Time and tide


I was going to start with ‘the funny thing about being genderfluid is…’ but I stopped as it felt like the warm up to a joke. I am now feeling a bit of pressure to say something amusing, but that’s unlikely to happen 🙂

A while ago, someone asked me what did being genderfluid felt like to me and the answer I gave was it was like the tide and a walk by the sea. It’s just a matter of time before the water rolls in and I start to feel that I’d like to express/appear/be the fancier version of who I am. As a midlander while I understand how the Moon affects the sea, the actual timings remain a mystery. Perhaps that’s also true of my internal processes around being in Richard or Lynn presentation.

The trouble is, at least for me, is when the sea changes and I can’t. Mostly this isn’t an issue, yet there are rare times in which I can feel the metaphorical waters washing around my feet and I know there’s no possibility to switch to a different look. That’s the tricky part and when such events occur, I paddle along trying to both cope and ignore the situation. My feet are wet, I’m walking in the sea, and no amount of grumbling is going to change that.

At the weekend I found myself in that emotional space and one thing I’ve noticed about it, is it drives me to look online for clothes. Sure, it’s a funny mix of distraction and indulgence. However, I think it comes at a risk of buying stuff I don’t really need to fill a gap.

I’ve got a long skirt, a cowl neck top, and two pairs of jeans that are unworn. Then there’s the white trousers I’ve only worn once. Yes, the latter need some elastic sewing into them, but reflecting on those items, do I need to buy more? Given the summer holidays it’s unlikely there’ll be any trying on time between now and the next Chams meeting, so it seems unwise to buy more.

While this may seem like a bit of a grumble, I think it shows the situation a fair few part timers find themselves in or maybe it’s just Muggins here? 🤔 Oddly, when I looked back at my, uhh, Looking Back post from last year – which helped remind me that A) I’ve got clothes I could (and should) wear again, and B) it seemed I hit a funk about the same time in August. I’m guessing it’s perhaps a mix of hot weather and the interruptions to being able to be all of me.

I guess, you have to make the best of it, but that doesn’t always makes it easy. Still, first world problems eh? 😉 So while I’ve not bought any clothes, I did buy some fake tan to bring my upper body a little colour. Let’s hope it’s more sunkissed than orange menace! 😁

L x


  1. What ever you do, no matter ever happens, please don’t end up looking like that orange dunderhead

  2. Odd that you mention white trousers. I bought a pair probably four or five years ago, wore them once and then hung in the closet where they’ve remained ever since. Or up until last week, when I had a sudden urge to try them again paired with a white v top (girly cricket umpire look?).
    In fact you could say the same thing about most of the stuff in Susie’s side of the closet. Why do I need three bolero jackets, two trouser suits, 4 peplum dresses, 4 shrugs? Because I had an odd fixation on those styles at different times when I succumbed to the retail therapy urge. (Does anyone else do this? get fixated on a particular look or style that they’ve seen someone wearing, and then spent the next month haunting charity shops or browsing clothes sites?)
    Given I now mostly settle for spending the day in jeans or leggings, most of those will spend 99% of their time in the closet. But at some point in the past, and maybe at some point in the future, they help stave off that steep rollercoaster descent.
    (Lynn- I keep coming back to that photo you used for this post and thinking how nice that would feel to do that.)

    1. “…get fixated on a particular look or style…”

      Yes, guilty as charged, ma’am 🙂 I think I’m able to spot that behaviour in myself now. That and having space to build up a wardrobe, I try not to buy the same thing more than once (another black skirt or suede heel etc).

      I can’t fault you for sticking to jeans and leggings, they’re a lot more comfortable and practical. I don’t quite understand why some T folk say “oh, I can’t do trousers”. Yeah, wearing jeans in almost the same style as my Richard stuff feels not quite right, but switching then to skinnies or wide legged feels just fine.

      As to the photo, there’s some amazing photos over on pexels.com and yes, to be at the sea, feel the water under your feet, and not be in bloke mode sounds a lovely experience. Something to work towards, perhaps?

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