The whole trans gig can feel very personal and maybe even one sided, as people we’re connected to others. Family, friends, colleagues, and the public too. Indeed, it goes the other way too, where cis people – as in folk who aren’t transgender – know a friend, sibling, parent, etc who is. It’s a diverse world and maybe with a touch of empathy and listening, we can get along.
Before I dive in to the usual waffle, please note I’m using the word Trans as an umbrella term to cover a number of identities.
Identity, or perhaps more accurately, different ways as person may think of who they are, how they need to appear, and what helps them feel okay.
Oh, and just quickly: being trans not a choice. Just as many folk feel settled in thinking their gender assigned at their birth works for them, there’s a large chunk of the population – visible and not so visible – where that’s not the case.
If you’re reading this, I’d wager either you’re trans-something-or-other yourself, or you know someone who is. Well, that’s not totally true, you could be hopelessly lost and wondering why a chap nearly halfway through his years likes wearing a dress and make-up. To be honest, I don’t have a better reason other than it feels completely natural to me. But we’re not here to talk about yours truly.
On a more serious note, being the wife, girlfriend (or husband or boyfriend even) of a trans person isn’t always easy. We do put you through it and if there was any other way – the magical pill that turns it all off – I’m fairly sure there’s a group of trans folk who might take that option. As much as that cliché has been around for years, it doesn’t exist.
Sometimes, it may well feel like trans this and trans that all we care about. But, when something distresses a person, they will do their best to understand what that means to them and that can take time to work through.
Plus, people of all walks of life will often focus on what’s not quite working for them – health, social, money, employment, family, etc – and make it right. So it goes when you’re somewhere under the Trans* Umbrella and you’re trying to come to terms with who you are and what your needs are.
I would, however, politely disagree that it’s all we think about. I will say with gender being such a core part of who we are, when we do question it, it can cause a lot of introspection, exploration, and even distress.
Please know that such things are temporary and matters will settle down.
You may be wondering, well, how temporary? The quick answer is as soon as the trans person gets their head around who they are. They may need time, space, and some freedom to explore.
This can be distressing for you, and that’s understandable. If, however, you keep talking openly and try to be supportive of both of your needs, you’ll get there.
Conversation and compromise are key and it may take both of you to try and look at things from each point of view.
That can be tough but it’s important to try to reach a space you’re both mostly getting what you need, rather than one party feeling like they’re losing, if that makes sense.
For conversation, if you pick quiet times and private places, you can both be yourselves, and have space to be honest and open.
Do you have to get involved? No, not if you don’t want to. You don’t have to see your partner dressed up. You don’t have to go out or do anything you don’t want to. A relationship is a partnership, not one partner getting their own way because that implies a winner and therefore a loser. Making things a win/fail situation doesn’t do you – at in either of you – any favours.
But what if you did dip your toe in the water? Would it be that bad? Sure, you can’t unsee but if you can work on this together, could you agree on boundaries or what both of you want from things?
Being able to talk about it really helps. No, really it does. It’s more about sharing what’s going on between you and if you buy your trans partner some small item – a lippy or a bracelet – or let them know you’ll be out until 6pm (“Make sure you’re in boy mode when I come back…. and don’t forget to Hoover!“), chances are they will be very grateful.
If you’d like a bit of help, maybe to find out how other people like you deal with it, or maybe just someone to talk to; there are a growing number of partner forums and websites out there. I don’t have any recommendations because blogs and sites come and go. I’d recommend a look in via a search engine of your choice and see which are the more active ones. If you want to talk to me in confidence, you can do so here.
If you have any suggestions about the above – maybe some advice of your own or some links, then please do get in touch. If you would like someone to talk to in confidence, please use the getting in touch form.
Lynn
x