Family

It’s an interesting situation to help run a support group and also be a coach (life stuff, not sport stuff). People confide in you, you listen, try to understand, but never judge or tell. All of that human experience goes in and you realise the profound effect a person’s upbringing had on them. Maybe it’s parental, maybe it’s the peer group; but we’re social creatures at heart – give or take on that big ol’ sliding scale – and those who have spoken to me, they just want acceptance and understanding.

Maybe it’s a quirk of Fate, or maybe it’s the old The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From The Tree folk wisdom gubbins. Maybe as society had moved on and more people are open about their sexuality, so too is that true about gender. Our youngest is trans and has been out to us, their friends, and school since before the pandemic. No one else in their peer group is and before you say ‘social media’, no, it’s not that. Oh, and no, I’m not projecting on to them either before you ask.

As a trans-something-or-other person who grew up in the 80s, I saw the hate and vitriol targeted to queer people. I couldn’t understand that then and now decades on, so many more people are out, accepted, and loved. So it seems that in the 2020s, that baleful gaze has settled on the trans community and anyone who helps them. The same nonsense, the same lies, and from the usual suspects. Meanwhile, many folk are quietly (and also not so quietly 😉) just getting on with living and being who they need to be.

So when our child started questioning who they are – both in terms of sexuality and gender – I listened, parked by biases (as best I could), and did what I could to help. That meant showing them I was there for them no matter how they identified: gay, straight, poly, agender, trans, fluid, religious, atheist, trendy, metaller, gamer, sporty, geek, reader, telly addict, etc – they’re my child and I love them. No ifs, no buts. I support them, accept them, and care for them – just as any parent would a child.

I am under the trans umbrella somewhere, but that doesn’t give me all the answers. Going back the things I’ve learned from supporting others, it’s not about telling folk what to do. It’s also not about blindly saying yes to any idea. Regardless of what we’d like in life, reality has a way of making itself known. We have to work with what we’ve got and we can only do our best. Plus, it’s okay to change your mind. Sure, you’re not okay with where you are now, and it’s okay to change that. It’s also okay to learn that where you thought you were going, is not where you needed to be.

Supporting them meant letting take their own pace, do their own exploring, being there to work through things together, and to talk through the options. They knew their own mind, but they needed an adult to support them, hold their hand, etc. Things like changing their wardrobe, new haircuts, coming out to our family & friends, working with the school (who have been supportive, helpful, and diligent). We spoke about binders, worked through what the issues might be, and comprise was found that still ticked the box (sports bras FTW).

So, they’re out and living as best they can right now. Should they change their mind, there’s nothing that couldn’t be undone right now. Please, don’t believe the nonsense and scare stories written in certain papers. That’s not been our experience, that of our child, nor the parents I hear from.

Please, be kind and remember what it was like to be a child yourself. Growing up can be difficult and let’s try to avoid the mistakes from the past.

If you are a trans teen or someone who’s unsure of their gender, you are not alone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken, or damaged. Trust me, humans are so varied and unique. Yeah, it might take a time to get your head around being who you are, but life can be amazing. It’s not all bad news. Hang on in there 💜

If you are a parent to a trans child, please know that they are still the amazing, unique, and beautiful life you helped bring into this world. We’re all winging it as parents and while there’s a few things we probably shouldn’t do, there’s no master plan. We just need to try and do our best by working through things. It’s okay not to know and it’s okay to ask for help. If you can, try to avoid thinking this is a phase or that their life only has one outcome: hint, it doesn’t. Please listen to them – as best you can – and don’t try to change them. People can’t be converted and trying that will damage them. Please, just don’t go there.

Thanks for reading and if you’re a parent of a trans teen, may I recommend Mermaids UK or feel free to drop me a line.