If jealousy is the green-eyed monster, blue is sadness, and seeing red is anger, what colour is guilt? An off-white or sickly hue that pervades or hazes like a thin mist?
This past week I’ve had occasional touches of guilt. Perhaps because work has been flexible around family commitments and I’m actually enjoying what I do, I’ve been feeling like I’m not working for a living. Or more accurately, I’m at work, getting things done, helping, and it’s not a slog. Plus, it’s not about me, but the small group of us pulling together to do what we can.
Despite a slow return to El Wookie Pins, I’m feeling okay about the trans side of things, so it ain’t that. Last week’s jeans look didn’t feel like a trap and this week’s leggings combo was also satisfying the fashion feelings (even if the wrap tunic is a decade old at least and boots are older than Little Miss! 🙂 ). It’s not family stuff either: that’s okay too. It is all fine, so why the guilt?
The truth is I don’t really know. I feel in some way that I’m not quite doing enough in some way. But exactly what? Thing is, when I reach for those thoughts, they are those whisps that fade on inspection like breath on a cold day.
Maybe it’s self-doubt or that Imposter Syndrome malarkey that’s doing the rounds? Not that I’m one to join in with that. I still subscribe to the twin mantras of would you say that to a friend? and you’re doing your best with where you are now. 🙂
Perhaps instead of seeking the elusive source, I should instead think about how we are as a family, keep the work achievement count out of sight, and think on the good things. Enjoy things as they are and take pleasure where you can.
Sometimes it’s the little things like a beautifully clear winter sky or bigger stuff like a good night out with friends (like last night). Chams went well and the visit from a local lingerie specialist – Janice – was both interesting and – if you pardon the pun – uplifting. The latter was the Janice had built her business after getting made redundant and looking at the group, they seemed to enjoy the conversation and the opportunity for great service. All things to be grateful for.