Hi,
As I write this, I hear the slow turn and slosh of the washing machine. A large coffee cools to my left and I have the morning to myself. Something had nagged at the back of my head as I got up. It wasn’t an appointment, a med collection for the Ever Lovely Mrs J, nor an interview.
I checked my phone’s diary – or the Don’t-Forget-This-Important-Thing-O-Matic as I don’t, but probably should call it – no, nothing in there either.
Hmm. Nothing’s popping, so I will get on with the usual morning routine of feeding the hounds, taking Child 2.0 to school, a few chores, and remembering to put the bins –
Ah. My blogiversary. That was it! I am hoping it was more the physical exercise and not thinking about something, that dislodged the thought. There’s probably a joke about putting out the rubbish and blogging, but I’d never say that about others. 😁
So, it’s been a while
This blog is a little over twenty years old now. My first post was towards the end of October. At least, it was the first one under the YATGB moniker I’d adopted. I had tried Yahoo’s blogging system earlier in that year, but there was a disturbance in the Force and I found I wasn’t writing….despite having a lot of topics I wanted to explore.
Fear? Judgement? Embarrassment? A heady cocktail of self-doubt and the lack of the Magical Big Girl Pants at that time, sent me back into the quiet. Or more accurately, the closet. The mind was anything but quiet.
But, and to riff on Mr Skinner’s famous line from Hot Fuzz, and apply some cheeky transomancer gender switchcraft to it:
My, she is tenacious isn’t she.
I guess the need to be who you need to be – or ‘authentic’ to use some non-waffle 🙂 – never really goes away.
The push is always there. The chafe against that ill-fitting armour that you built to survive the early years. It’s not you, and something – feel free to roll out The Matrix’s “a splinter in your mind’s eye” 🤓 – pushes you on. The search, at least for me, in wanting to feel okay. To shake off the shadow that clung, reminding me of failures, my unwanted bulky masculinity, and its spirit sapping coldness.
Finding my tribe
Talking with people on-line – other trans-something-or-other folk – like me helped. Now, I’d tried a few forums previously, but they’d been too busy, and I felt like I was throwing the proverbial Message in a Bottle….. although the tide didn’t bring any back. So, blogging it is then!
Indeed, Becky’s Web and Joanna’s Diary inspired me to start writing. Absolutely not If They Can, I Can, but more…. a sort of group effort, even if the article’s creator is in the driving seat. Maybe there’s a touch of my love of the 80s Alternative Comedy scene and RPG ‘rules hacking’, of just giving things a go.
Getting started is the key. Throwing something out there, keeping going, and maybe, some of it will stick. Heck, it might even make sense 😉 Thankfully, wiser and/or curiouser minds interacted, so this all helped. To those who’ve added to this wee blog over the years, thank you 🥰
Have faith, young Padawan
Coming back to this year’s Lessons Learned on The Route to New, I think I can see four of the enabling stones – hmm, that sounds frightfully proper and wise…. or more likely, just dumb luck on a phrase 😁 – were lining up.
In heart to heart chats with The Ever Lovely Mrs J, I felt what I know think of as the magic quad of Acceptance, Confidence, Safety and Capacity. You can go and read the article here if you want to hear what those terms represent. Just so neither of us are doing a ‘search & replace in our heads’ on what they mean.
I’m liking the synergy in that paradigm, Jones; run it up the flagpole and see who salutes.
If was a proper writer – or into marketing – I’d probably have come up with some BS terms to help pump YATGB up the search engine scales…. but nah, fam 😉 IMO, there are times when it might land best when you stick with the relatable and understandable, rather than jargon and flimflamery….. She says, using some gibberish 🙃
[ 🐿️ No brain, now is not the time to rewrite the four words so they spell out SASS 🙄]
Chams
With Wee Man* tucked up safely in bed and Mrs J cosy with a book, I headed off to Chams. Clearly, the first of many visits. I’m not sure I can sum up how important the group has been to me…. but I may have to give it a go.
[ This was before Child 2.0 was born 💖 and before we found out they were trans-masculine 🏳️⚧️ ]
At a really basic and this was true for a few months, it was a place to be me and have time & space to dress. But that changed very quickly as a made friends – good friends – with people there. It became more where I could be ‘all of me’ – a phrase I don’t tend to use so much now – but I think it rings true.
I could listen to folk talk about their families, lives, hobbies, comedy, telly, music, and segue into trans* related stuff too. We did support each other, sure, but not in a Sit Around In a Circle And Confess Your Sins. Not that I think being trans* is sinful. Get outta here with that internalised guffery! 😉
That freedom to ‘drop the mask’ and be true – again, coming back to authenticity – certainly helps. Indeed with those bumps in the road that life delivers, my friends were there for me. When I had depression, others were kind enough to share their story & struggles. Not preaching, but listening first and then helping me know I wasn’t alone. Jeez, that really helped, perhaps more than I had thought❤️
Likewise after the car accident, when I was able to visit again, I was deeply moved by folk popping by to see how I was. To offer help and to share some kind words. Communities eh? Aren’t they brilliant ⭐
Maybe there’s a benefit – she says obviously! 🙄 – in having people and a space, where you can be honest, vulnerable, and know you will be safe. Even if you’re not feeling okay, you are at least safe & supported, and that seems a very good thing indeed.
It wasn’t just support during the difficult times, but there were nights out when things went well. Lots of laughter, some parties, a night out (or six), being able to feel the dysphoric fog noticeable by its absence, and be content in your own skin for a time.
From left to right: line dancing night, silliness, bodycon, my only photoshoot, laughter, Christmas tree, 80s party, and Xmas glam.
Getting out there
Chams and YATGB gave me the confidence to not just go out to support spaces, but get into the real world too. There’s been some outreach education work, shopping trips, and meeting friends for coffee.
Good stuff
I am hoping, more of the same in terms of good stuff! 🤞I feel that I’m through the anxiety and depression stuff of years previous. I think having a handle on my (undiagnosed) ADHD may explain why I do some of the things I do, and why some things are a struggle. It’s not an excuse, but a reason why some stuff is easier – empathy, improv, writing, creativity, thinking-outside-the-box, etc – and other things require a bit more work.
In terms of body stuff and dysphoria, I have (mostly) made peace with my body. Yes, I’ve lost my hair and while that did upset a bit, I think if I can be honest, I was never going to be in a place where I could do something to make it stylish and/or femme. I just don’t have those skills 🤷♀️ That or a lot more practice is required.
On a positive, I am grateful for my ears being pierced and my legs are no longer Wookietastic. Both of those things really help keep dysphoria at bay 💖 I no longer wake up, look down at my pins – or avoid having to look – to not have the ick.
To not have the ick; that’s probably the YATGB goal right there 😁
In Closing
YATGB would not be what it is, without the help, wit, kindness, and thoughts you good people pop in. Not just the comments, but emails that happen behind the scenes as well.
Hmm. Perhaps summary would’ve been a better choice of words! 😁 YATGB has just been one post after another. A steady and (mostly) weekly flow of thoughts, ideas, What Lynn Did Next, satire and – if I can park my inner critic and use kind words you have – wisdom.
I guess I struggle with the latter – to be considered wise – because my squirrel-on-high-sugar-coffee brain makes a lot of mistakes. Plus, I get the feeling that a lot of folk – and I am definitely talking about me – are winging it. Maybe an inkling of an idea of what you’d like to achieve, sure; a plan? Maybe not 😉
I’m in my 50s now and YATGB started when we were becoming a family. Now the kids are older – Wee Man is settled and out in the world – and I think Child 2.0 will be off by next autumn to university. That leaves the Every Lovely Mrs J and the hounds to look after each other, enjoy walks, café visits, and possibly, getting a new job in my case 😉
Thanks for reading and stay fabulous 🏳️⚧️
Lynn
x
Hi Lynn,
Congratulations on reaching twenty years of blogging, what an incredible milestone! I’m not sure when I first came across your blog, but I’ve been an avid follower ever since. Your posts always have that perfect mix of honesty, humour, and heart that makes them such a joy to read.
As I read about your time at Chams, I couldn’t help thinking how special it must be to be part of such a caring and supportive community. You’re so lucky to have that space and those friendships, I felt a little pang of loneliness reading about it, knowing how meaningful that sense of belonging must be.
And those Chams photos, wow! They’re wonderful to look back on, full of laughter, warmth, and fabulous outfits. I’ll admit, I felt slightly envious seeing them, not just because you look amazing, but because they capture such joy and connection. Your “Getting Out There” shots are lovely too; you really do wear confidence beautifully.
I’m so glad to hear you’ve found some peace with your body. You’re right, pierced ears and smooth legs really do make a difference!
Thank you for continuing to share your journey with such openness and kindness. Here’s to many more years of YATGB. 💜
Thank you, Lotte. Your first comment – at least according to my fumbling WordPress skills 😉 – is in 2014. However, when you started reading, who can say? 🤔
Sherlock Jones – see what I did there? 😉 – comment reviews aside, you, like others, have been kind enough to read & comment as the years have gone by. I think I would have struggled to keep the YATGB pace (if that’s the right word) if I was ‘talking to myself’ for so many posts. Despite my introversion, I’m a social person….. just not too much social all of the time 😉
Chams has been an absolute lifeline at times, and besides friendship, a sense of purpose, it’s absolutely helped keep me grounded over the years. I do feel incredibly lucky, as I moved to Nottingham because I was familiar with the city, and loved the music & culture of the place. To find it had one of the oldest trans* groups years later, well, what a gift!
As to loneliness, I’ve been there too and I hope that you find somewhere close to home that helps fill that gap. If there’s not something local, dare I say, just a coffee morning or lunch out with like minded folk can help too. I think Sue and I have only ever managed two meals out, and both of those were in drab mode. Val and I have managed two days – and we’ve known each other for years! Getting the stars and diaries to align is not always easy, so grab the rope when you can! 🤗
Congratulations on persisting for 20 years. My mind can barely fill a paragraph before the well of imagination runs dry, let alone something worthy of begin called a blog. To do for 20 years is an astonishing achievement!
Thanks for the kind words, Kim.
I think writing this ol’ blog is the hobby I’ve had for the longest. My diary writing comes and goes; my old love of role-playing games slowly stopped with availability; and my gaming varies depending on what’s holding my interest. I guess the other one is reading, but that took a nosedive a few years back…. although with the work gap, I’m getting back into it.
Many congratulations, Lynn, my dear companion bloggerette (I was going to say ‘fellow blogger’ but ‘fellow’ has connotations that just don’t seem right in context!)
Twenty years a-blogging is a massive milestone, especially as there have been no major breaks in output all that time. And it’s all interesting, valid and useful stuff. Thanks for keeping us informed and entertained and, above all, being a presence that I and others feel we can rely on for mutual support, both in the blogosphere and in real life.
If I make make a suggestion for the future. You are too self-deprecating, and I don’t mean on the occasions where it’s for comic effect. You’ve had a positive influence on many trans people’s lives, here, through Chams and other groups, as a parent, by meeting MPs and other representatives and so on. I think you can ignore the voices that might suggest any inadequacy to the task.
Thanks for YATGB, for everything you do, and for your friendship.
Here’s to many more years.
Oh, and cute look, by the way. I’ve always liked your fashion sense.
Sue xx
Fellow is fine, Sue ❤️ I mean, I’m sat here replying in a hoodie, jeans, and my dad slippers. For anyone expecting librarian with spectacles and twin-set vibes, sorry to disappoint! 😉
Twenty years indeed! Blimey eh? The 2000s were a very different place and I wonder if in some small way, YATGB reflects that? I know there’s certainly been a change in language, terminology, and how I look at things. But then, I was in my 30s back then, and I think it’s safe to say I’ve learned a lot since then. Certainly a run-in with Depression, then Anxiety, and perhaps now I know it might be something to do with neurodiversity. I guess it’s about finding who you are and having the understanding to see the patterns in what you do. Not always easy, but good once you are there.
Thanks for keeping in touch – for your writing over on Sue’s News & Views – and the comments & emails that have been coming in over the years. It’s fab to read that you find what I write useful and entertaining. I guess…. coming back to ‘write what you would want to read’, YATGB fills that gap for me, in that it’s somewhere were we don’t always talk about the news, but we do ponder, reflect, and share what it’s like to be trans-something-or-other or outside the traditional gender binary.
As to self depreciation – yes, guilty as charged ma’am 🙂 I think it is a mix of a defence mechanism and wanting to keep my feet on the floor. For the former, I guess I get the ‘joke’ in first, so I can defuse the situation with humour…. and I’m usually ready with an add-on to keep things light-hearted.
For the latter part, I….. I struggle with…. [ lexicon failure…. restarting…. 👩💻] I have this sort of built-in want, not to be big headed, prideful, or boastful in any way. Ah, humility; that’s where I was going! 🙂 However, the catch with trying to be humble, is there’s a risk…. a risk of accidentally doing down the kind words of folk like yourself, or – and I hope this isn’t the case – not giving the right oomph to the good deeds of others.
A good friend of mine is an incredibly clever chap and he does not think there’s anything smart about what he does. He has helped create microprocessors and the technology that allows smartphones to be powerful, reliable, and efficient. Yet, he thinks of his talent as “just something a bloke does.” Perhaps like him, I don’t think of what I do as – to use the Nottingham language – “owt special”; even if others do. I am just trying to make things a little better where I can ❤️ However, message received and I will try to watch my language. Given we’re of a similar age, feel free to throw in a “language, Timothy!” reference for ‘da kidz’ 😉
Or, TL/DR – thanks missus! 😁
Congratulations on 20 years of of weekly – and sometimes bi-weekly – blogging (I have no idea how you keep that up), on finding yourself and your people (and just look at that glamourpuss in your last Chams picture) and being out and about in the world.
And thank you for being there when I needed someone to talk to or vent to.
xx
S
Thank you, Susie ❤️ The nerd in me is reminding me of the possibly three posts that were late…. but perhaps that’s not too bad a record for twenty years eh? 😉 The double posts are rare, given they tend to hit if I’ve been out (infrequent), and then there’s the satirical ones. They depend on what I’ve been reading, and if something jolts the creative spark to make fun of some of the nonsense. Even now, I can’t bring myself to write ‘comedy’, even though that’s there aim: to entertain, amuse, and (hopefully) make folk think.
You are very welcome around ‘being there’. It’s been a pleasure to keep in touch and swap emails over the years. I think such a friendship goes both ways, as it’s a private space to listen and share. So, thank you❤️
As to the glamourpuss photo, I’m guessing that’s the sparkly combo and long red hair photo? I’ve just had a look back at the photo, and that’s coming up to ten years ago (so, 12/2025). I guess I would have been early 40s, and if I can get my brain back to that time, I feel my aim was to go for a glam look before I felt too old to be wearing a short skirt and fitted top. I do remember someone at Chams coming up and saying kindly “Lynn, I think that’s the best I’ve ever seen you”. A happy memory of kindness! ⭐
Congratulations, quite a milestone ! I am sure there will be many more to come too.
There must certainly have been a lot of readers and a massive amount of views in that time I would imagine.
Thank you, Izzy. Fingers crossed for a few more years! 🤞😁
I’m afraid I’m not really a numbers person….
( so it’s a good job I don’t do the finances and bookings for Chams…. Wait, wut? 🙃 )
…. and given I switched from Blogger to self hosting, there’s a gap in those stats.
TBH, I tend to look at who’s commenting or who has a link from their blog, rather than hits and what not. I guess I’m never sure if it’s a person visiting, a bot, or someone just checking if there’s an update. I know the “Blogs” page is very popular, so perhaps folk jump off from YATGB? 🤔
Part of me thinks about the folk who no longer comment (or have stopped blogging) and I hope they’re okay.
There’s also a silent majority who don’t comment, but I get emails from kind souls, who say how the site has helped them. That’s been from both trans* folk and their partners.
Twenty years is amazing, Lynn. I love how you talk about that steady pull toward authenticity and the way community makes everything feel lighter. I’m trying to build that same kind of space on my own blog. A place where people can drop the mask and feel understood. Your work is a reminder of why that matters so much.
Thank you, Michelle. BTW, new profile piccy? Looking good!
The twenty years thing is a bit interesting. I don’t really think about the age of the blog, but it’s certainly there. It’s just a ‘write something for Friday’ and off I go. I don’t say that to be dismissive of your kind words! 🙂
Good luck with your site and I hope that’s going well.
Sheepishly popping in late to congratulate you on the huge milestone and hope the sense of achievement has been as boundless as the wisdom dispensed in those years.
Also, amazing photos throughout.
Better late than never! Oh, I just thought “time is fleeting” and now my brain has a Time Warp on loop. 🙃
On a less bonkers note: thank you, Joanna. For the insightful comments, humour, and fun. Hope you’re keeping well.
As Susie J said: “Congratulations on 20 years of weekly – and sometimes bi-weekly – blogging (I have no idea how you keep that up)”. Nor me.❤️❤️
Thanks Jonathan. Hope you’re doing okay.
Finding something to write about moves between easier, blank, and meh.
The latter is the hardest to breakthrough, as anything I wrote seems pointless and I guess that’s the self doubt coming in.
Blank can be challenged by just having a go and usually something will stick.
The easier (but never easy) times are when there’s something on my mind, some good news to share, something interesting at Chams… Those or something in the public eye causes the creative juices to bubble.