Hi,
As I write this, I hear the slow turn and slosh of the washing machine. A large coffee cools to my left and I have the morning to myself. Something had nagged at the back of my head as I got up. It wasn’t an appointment, a med collection for the Ever Lovely Mrs J, nor an interview.
I checked my phone’s diary – or the Don’t-Forget-This-Important-Thing-O-Matic as I don’t, but probably should call it – no, nothing in there either.
Hmm. Nothing’s popping, so I will get on with the usual morning routine of feeding the hounds, taking Child 2.0 to school, a few chores, and remembering to put the bins –
Ah. My blogiversary. That was it! I am hoping it was more the physical exercise and not thinking about something, that dislodged the thought. There’s probably a joke about putting out the rubbish and blogging, but I’d never say that about others. 😁
So, it’s been a while
This blog is a little over twenty years old now. My first post was towards the end of October. At least, it was the first one under the YATGB moniker I’d adopted. I had tried Yahoo’s blogging system earlier in that year, but there was a disturbance in the Force and I found I wasn’t writing….despite having a lot of topics I wanted to explore.
Fear? Judgement? Embarrassment? A heady cocktail of self-doubt and the lack of the Magical Big Girl Pants at that time, sent me back into the quiet. Or more accurately, the closet. The mind was anything but quiet.
But, and to riff on Mr Skinner’s famous line from Hot Fuzz, and apply some cheeky transomancer gender switchcraft to it:
My, she is tenacious isn’t she.
I guess the need to be who you need to be – or ‘authentic’ to use some non-waffle 🙂 – never really goes away.
The push is always there. The chafe against that ill-fitting armour that you built to survive the early years. It’s not you, and something – feel free to roll out The Matrix’s “a splinter in your mind’s eye” 🤓 – pushes you on. The search, at least for me, in wanting to feel okay. To shake off the shadow that clung to me and not to feel it’s numbing touch again.
Finding my tribe
Talking with people on-line – other trans-something-or-other folk – like me helped. Now, I’d tried a few forums previously, but they’d been too busy, and I felt like I was throwing the proverbial Message in a Bottle….. although the tide didn’t bring any back. So, blogging it is then!
Indeed, Becky’s Web and Joanna’s Diary inspired me to start writing. Absolutely not If They Can, I Can, but more…. a sort of group effort, even if the article’s creator is in the driving seat. Maybe there’s a touch of my love of the 80s Alternative Comedy scene and RPG ‘rules hacking’, of just giving things a go.
Getting started is the key. Throwing something out there, keeping going, and maybe, some of it will stick. Heck, it might even make sense 😉 Thankfully, wiser and/or curiouser minds interacted, so this all helped. To those who’ve added to this wee blog over the years, thank you 🥰
Have faith, young Padawan
Coming back to this year’s Lessons Learned on The Route to New, I think I can see four of the enabling stones – hmm, that sounds frightfully proper and wise…. or more likely, just dumb luck on a phrase 😁 – were lining up.
In heart to heart chats with The Ever Lovely Mrs J, I felt what I know think of as the magic quad of Acceptance, Confidence, Safety and Capacity. You can go and read the article here if you want to hear what those terms represent. Just so neither of us are doing a ‘search & replace in our heads’ on what they mean.
I’m liking the synergy in that paradigm, Jones; run it up the flagpole and see who salutes.
If was a proper writer – or into marketing – I’d probably have come up with some BS terms to help pump YATGB up the search engine scales…. but nah, fam 😉 IMO, there are times when it might land best when you stick with the relatable and understandable, rather than jargon and flimflamery….. She says, using some gibberish 🙃
[ 🐿️ No brain, now is not the time to rewrite the four words so they spell out SASS 🙄]
Chams
With Wee Man* tucked up safely in bed and Mrs J cosy with a book, I headed off to Chams. Clearly, the first of many visits. I’m not sure I can sum up how important the group has been to me…. but I may have to give it a go.
[ This was before Child 2.0 was born 💖 and before we found out they were trans-masculine 🏳️⚧️ ]
At a really basic and this was true for a few months, it was a place to be me and have time & space to dress. But that changed very quickly as a made friends – good friends – with people there. It became more where I could be ‘all of me’ – a phrase I don’t tend to use so much now – but I think it rings true.
I could listen to folk talk about their families, lives, hobbies, comedy, telly, music, and segue into trans* related stuff too. We did support each other, sure, but not in a Sit Around In a Circle And Confess Your Sins. Not that I think being trans* is sinful. Get outta here with that internalised guffery! 😉
That freedom to ‘drop the mask’ and be true – again, coming back to authenticity – certainly helps. Indeed with those bumps in the road that life delivers, my friends were there for me. When I had depression, others were kind enough to share their story & struggles. Not preaching, but listening first and then helping me know I wasn’t alone. Jeez, that really helped, perhaps more than I had thought❤️
Likewise after the car accident, when I was able to visit again, I was deeply moved by folk popping by to see how I was. To offer help and to share some kind words. Communities eh? Aren’t they brilliant ⭐
Maybe there’s a benefit – she says obviously! 🙄 – in having people and a space, where you can be honest, vulnerable, and know you will be safe. Even if you’re not feeling okay, you are at least safe & supported, and that seems a very good thing indeed.
It wasn’t just support during the difficult times, but there were nights out when things went well. Lots of laughter, some parties, a night out (or six), being able to feel the dysphoric fog noticeable by its absence, and be content in your own skin for a time.
From left to right: line dancing night, silliness, bodycon, my only photoshoot, laughter, Christmas tree, 80s party, and Xmas glam.
Getting out there
Chams and YATGB gave me the confidence to not just go out to support spaces, but get into the real world too. There’s been some outreach education work, shopping trips, and meeting friends for coffee.
Good stuff
I am hoping, more of the same in terms of good stuff! 🤞I feel that I’m through the anxiety and depression stuff of years previous. I think having a handle on my (undiagnosed) ADHD may explain why I do some of the things I do, and why some things are a struggle. It’s not an excuse, but a reason why some stuff is easier – empathy, improv, writing, creativity, thinking-outside-the-box, etc – and other things require a bit more work.
In terms of body stuff and dysphoria, I have (mostly) made peace with my body. Yes, I’ve lost my hair and while that did upset a bit, I think if I can be honest, I was never going to be in a place where I could do something to make it stylish and/or femme. I just don’t have those skills 🤷♀️ That or a lot more practice is required.
On a positive, I am grateful for my ears being pierced and my legs are no longer Wookietastic. Both of those things really help keep dysphoria at bay 💖 I no longer wake up, look down at my pins – or avoid having to look – to not have the ick.
To not have the ick; that’s probably the YATGB goal right there 😁
In Closing
YATGB would not be what it is, without the help, wit, kindness, and thoughts you good people pop in. Not just the comments, but emails that happen behind the scenes as well.
Hmm. Perhaps summary would’ve been a better choice of words! 😁 YATGB has just been one post after another. A steady and (mostly) weekly flow of thoughts, ideas, What Lynn Did Next, satire and – if I can park my inner critic and use kind words you have – wisdom.
I guess I struggle with the latter – to be considered wise – because my squirrel-on-high-sugar-coffee brain makes a lot of mistakes. Plus, I get the feeling that a lot of folk – and I am definitely talking about me – are winging it. Maybe an inkling of an idea of what you’d like to achieve, sure; a plan? Maybe not 😉
I’m in my 50s now and YATGB started when we were becoming a family. Now the kids are older – Wee Man is settled and out in the world – and I think Child 2.0 will be off by next autumn to university. That leaves the Every Lovely Mrs J and the hounds to look after each other, enjoy walks, café visits, and possibly, getting a new job in my case 😉
Thanks for reading and stay fabulous 🏳️⚧️
Lynn
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