Hi,
Well, that’s Week One out of the way. Or it is Week Zero if we’re welcoming our AI overlords? 🤔
Dear humans. Why are you hating on each other while you’re making the biosphere incompatible with your existence? Hugs, AI Overlords 😋 PS please post more cute pupper pics.
Snarky jokes aside, with it being the first week of the year, lots of folk may be thinking about New Years Resolutions and possibly a reboot or restart in some way. With that in mind…
A lot of not
When I listen to trans folk, some of the things that talk about is a lot of not. I’m not ready, I’m not femme enough, I’m not blokey enough, I’m not good enough at makeup, I’ve not got a good wig/wardrobe/binder, etc.
There’s a mantra – or cliché – of “perfect being the enemy of done”. You don’t, IMO, need everything to be right and then step out. The fact that you are taking a step forward to explore who you are, that’s the important bit. Yes, feeling good about yourself – and looking good can help with that – will help. But, phrase don’t let what you have or how you look good you back.
If this is the time you want to do more about your trans nature – wherever you may be under that big ol’ Trans Umbrella 💜 – try not to listen to the List of Nots. Feel the fear, perhaps, but do it anyway. Go as far as you need to and know you can always change direction.
Feeling the fear
So an opinionated, long term blogger, and support group helper must have it all in the bag right? Confidence and self esteem at top levels?
Not so fast, buckaroo 😁
The situation about confidence – in my abilities, my body, or my mind – wavers and wobbles. There are days when I wake up and feel fat, feel too blokey (Shrek-esq? 😁), etc. But… there’s many more days when I’m just okay, content, and even happy with things as they are.
So it was that with nearly a month since a visit to Planet Transfabulous, I could feel the old tension building up. When I booked a waxing appointment, I felt my anxiety levels kick up massively…. which is baffling. I mean, how many times has it been now?
The point of this waffle is to feel the fear, put on your Big Girl Pants, and do it anyway.
Making the time in the day for some self-care recharged me. The joy – trans joy? – it’s a multi factor thing: the conversation & interaction, the pampering of the treatment (as much as having one’s follicles ripped out can be), the acceptance/normalcy, and, of course, leaving with my legs as I feel they should look. There’s shades of supporting a local business, listening to someone with different life experiences, and taking time away from the usual routine as well.
Given the cold winter months of long tops and whatnot, I also had my forearms done too. I’m very lucky in that my arm hair is fairly sparse, but I’m hoping the occasional riiiip treatment will reduce that a little more. 🤞
By dumb luck or serendipity, the above has been working for me for the last few months. When I stumbled upon this, below, it made me smile:
Enjoyment and pleasure are terms often used interchangeably, but they are not the same thing. Pleasure happens to you; enjoyment is something that you create through your own effort.
Arthur C Brooks, writing in The Atlantic in Choose Enjoyment over Pleasure.
I would’ve missed out on the joyful experience if I’d not tried…. and this isn’t about ooo, I’m sooo brave. It’s just about pushing yourself a little and giving things a go. You never know, it might just turn out fabulous 💜
Are any of you planning anything to keep yourself topped up and cared for?
L x
I hear someone suggest to avoid quick failure, dont pick a resolution, pick a theme for the year then strive to involve that theme in the things you do.
I’m picking “activity” because I need to be more active, but also find more projects to invest my time and energy in.
(Also you’ve not seen me reply much recently because Captcha hates my browser and refuses to accept my posts…)
Sorry about the CAPTCHA issues. That may be down to modern browsers blocking third party cookies. I had that issue in Vivaldi and Edge – both of which are based on the Chromium engine. Ironically, the CAPTCHA is linked to Google and Chromium is the backend to Chrome. Left hand, right hand. 🤦♀️
Going for an activity or a theme sounds a good idea 💜 I guess so long as you’re doing it, it’s a win. Certainly easier to say ‘walk regularly’ rather than ‘walk X miles a week’. 🤞
I’ve been giving your post a lot of thought since you wrote it and so am commenting only now.
My experience with this subject, for instance as regards myself or other trans people with whom I have spoken, and above all with trans friends whom I’ve dressed and made up and taken out on their first trips – incidentally, something which I’ve always felt greatly honoured to be asked to do – is that the excuses made (not femme enough, don’t have the wig, makeup skills etc.) are the typical rationalisations we all make using something more obvious, more material and tangible, to excuse a much deeper set of fears.
Accepting one is trans and wanting to live more authentically is often an exceptionally high stakes game, especially later in life. People finding you are trans after many years of thinking you were cis may break a marriage and a family, cause loss of friends, rumours in the neighborhood, troubles at work, shaming in many quarters … A happy outcome to accepting one’s transness is by no means guaranteed. There is also the guilt of doing something covertly that wife, family, friends, colleagues, neighbours, etc. had never known about you, especially if you have to lie to them about being at the match or mountain climbing when actually you’ve gone to a dressing service or are in an LGBT club. Being outed in whatever way can be ruinous and so the risk assessment that trans people do is like no other that any cis person is ever likely to have to do. Trans people end up acting as though they are having an affair or doing shady deals whereas they are doing nothing immoral or illegal at all. Guilt and a fear of shame are, to a normally adjusted person, very significant inhibitors and most trans people are socially and morally normal. So I don’t ever see the step to public visibility purely as a case of nerves, or of having inadequate experience or poor makeup or even passing, or even of being alert to abuse or violence. Several girls I used to know out and about have bowed out because they could no longer take the stress of maintaining a normal, socially standard male life whilst trying to be trans in secret. Upsetting the life they had built up over many years was not, in the end, worth their forays into authentic living. It takes a lot of effort to rebuild life if it’s gone wrong. Given how high the stakes can be, we find excuses that are more understandable to other people who don’t share our life, our inner turmoil.
So, yes, there are plenty of ways to get over inhibitions like the ones you mention – I’d say finding trans friends to help and encourage a newbie, to lend them experience (and clothes!) and give advice is a good strategy. But, sadly, I think most trans people will remain in the closet as they have always done because the strife if things goes wrong is too great a burden.
2) Pandora’s point about Captcha affects me, too. I can never post immediately without it blocking and asking me to press the back key, at least once. Sometimes it gets caught in a loop like that. I find it best to draft my comment in the Reply box, copy it, leave your blog, return via a different link, then paste my comment and then it seems happy. Weird. The effort I put in to communicate! Just as well you’ve got a worthwhile blog as I wouldn’t do this for everyone! 😉
Have a nice weekend.
Sue x
Thank you for such an eloquent and in-depth reply, Sue. I think you’ve raised points on areas I’d not considered.
Self acceptance is perhaps the hardest part about being trans. Perhaps like health – physical and mental – there is some constance maintenance required. Some might says self acceptance is a journey and when you get to the end, you’re sorted. I would say maybe that’s true for some and for others, maybe it’s more like looking after a garden. It the start, it’s needs work to get it from barren or weed chocked. Once you are through the worst of it – perhaps with her from friends or professionals – the maintenance tends to be easier. At least, provided certain aspects of society aren’t chucking sh** into it for us to sort out. 😔
As to the CAPTCHA, thanks for persevering 💜. I’ve tried tweaking one of the settings, so hopefully that will improve things.