Not just something that sounds good for horses, apparently. Also good for bad puns and an opening when you’re wondering what to blog about. 🙂
Despite Saturday’s gift of a morning to myself and plenty of time to pack, I changed my mind at the last minute (Ed: Not that this mind works better than the old one.), and swapped to what you might call a transitional dress. Something that’s either summer or winter, depending how you wear it.
I have, thanks to some gentle cutting down on snacks, lost a little bit of weight. Not a huge amount, but enough to let my old clothes fit better and I was very happy to be able to wear my favourite blue ditzy print dress again…. even if I didn’t bring it this time.
While I was getting changed, Sarah and Alison popped up to say hello and – as per – we got chatting. I mentioned that a recent video on social media, had asked trans people, what they took the word passing to be. Some started with one word answers, and then moved on to expand on their initial comments. One said prison, which may sound strong, but you don’t know her back story. Did she feel trapped because of how people had treated her, or was she – so to speak – in a cage of her own making?
I used to feel it was important to pass, but that was many years ago. I guess it was a bit like trying to wish yourself thin. It ain’t gonna happen. Likewise, for me, and a few others, passing is something that’s not going to happen. I’m tall, got blokey shoulders and a jaw you can clear snow off the drive with. They all stack up to provide evidence that I’m not genetically female….. but, I don’t care. Not any more, indeed, not for a long time. It was something I’ll never do and I realised that aiming for this goal, was just bringing me down. Instead, I just aim to be content with how I look. If all goes to plan, well turned out too. That’s all I can manage and on good days – like last night – all did go well. I looked in the mirror and thought: yeah, you’ll do. 🙂
Alison – who is now, shall we say, no longer in the boys club 🙂 – asked how do I identify. This was something that came up in the video too. She said that she knows I pick the label transgender and, possibly as I’ve said here before, it’s because the word trans, at least to me, feels inclusive. Sure, I’m very part time; being a bloke/dad/husband all month, bar two evenings, or maybe a few hours once in a blue moon. That said, I don’t feel different when dressed up. I might watch my language a little more, but that may more be able manners. (Ed: that or Lynn feels blokes are ruder, so she does that to fit in. The jury’s still out.).
Someone asked: do I pretend. Yeah, I pretend to be a regular bloke 🙂 Flippancy aside, there’s a truth in that joke. I do watch what I say and how I act. If someone I know is talking jewellery design, or the dilemma with what to wear to a work’s do; I know to keep my trap shut. Much that I’d like to join in, I’m wary I’d either a) give myself away, or b) weird them out in some way. Then there’s dodgy the question, when someone asks why do you have both ears pierced? I usually say I just wanted the variety, which isn’t 100% wrong. 🙂
That’s probably the old bit about being in the closet I don’t like. Having to old back. At Chams, and as I said to Sarah & Alison, I don’t have to self-censor. Here, I can be me, regardless of bloke or lady appearance; I can talk about any subject (Ed: often at great length). Maybe that’s the best thing about the social group: friends who you can just be yourself with. No masks, no lies, just you.
[ PS: I had a telephone interview today and I’ve a formal interview next week. Fingers crossed! ]