Hello dear reader,
How’s things with you? Things here on Planet Jones are good…. no, actually, good is perhaps overstating it; interesting may be more accurate 🙂 Bad would be the wrong choice of words as I’ve a lot to be thankful for: my arm is on the mend, the replacement car is working out nicely, etc. It’s great to be able to get out of the house and take the kids to school / walk the dog. It’s also fairly easy to get to work and, yeah, working life can be a pain at times, but it’s also a very social place – or certainly, where I work, it is.
So why the use of the word ‘interesting’? Well, as your sitting comfortably, I had my first appointment for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy this week. I’m still not sure about it and I feel it would be wrong of me to write it off after just one discussion.
Having read a little about it, it all seems to make sense and seems a good idea from my layman’s perspective. It would be trite to say ‘postive thinking helps’, but that’s not wholly inaccurate. I do know that while you’re off it – or seriously down in the case of some poor souls – the last thing you / they want to do is anything. Yet, getting up, taking some exercise, visiting/talking with people is often just what’s required. I’m doing all that and I’m not feeling the cloying embrace of a deep blue funk. Again, more to be thankful for.
So we come to the discussion about what triggers the darker episodes. We must have spent about forty minutes going over the idea and I just didn’t get it. I did start to get very frustrated, partly at myself for not being able to articulate what I felt. That and my inability to understand what the councillor was talking about – and yes, I did as him to explain it in simple terms. 🙂 It didn’t help. Doh.
Perhaps that we’ve (I’ve?) not hit pay dirt on the concept of what triggers the depression, I’m still thinking that it’s very random. What I mean is, there are days – no, were days back in the past – where I’d wake up and just getting out of bed was a big deal. Times when I’d sit in the car and the effort to lift my arm to open the door and pull myself from the seat seemed like I was lifting a telly. I never thought it could be like that and having gone though that, when someone says they’ve got depression, my heart goes out to them.
Sure, I know that the Pink Fog – or maybe more accurately, the occasional jealousy – I get when seeing womenfolk may not help. But…. I’ve not mentioned this because I’m slightly concerned that if I do talk about the trans factor (Ed: it’s like the X Factor, only the outfits are sooo much better :-P), the session will lock on to that and lead us down a dead end. Not that CBT seems to hold any answers about the past, apparently it’s all about protecting yourself against issues in the future. Somehow you’re supposed to not talk about the past but look at what happened. I find that rather confusing.
I also know that if I upset the kids / the Ever Lovely Mrs Jones, or foul things up at work, the guilt seems to twist around on itself and come back to far more negative feelings. Y’know, I really don’t want to have to concentrate on the negative and have to trawl up bad feelings to play pin-the-tail-on-the-depressive as I can’t help but think that stirring it all up – but “don’t talk about the past” – isn’t healthy. It’s almost like I’m having to analyse my feelings to the Nth degree and pour over them so we can fill out some boxes on a sheet. Ahh… maybe shouldn’t be so negative, perhaps there’ll be some colouring in later on. 😛
Early days I guess, so I hope that I get my head around the concept and the course improves. I do know of two other folk who’ve been down this route and they were less than positive about its use. Ho hum! Third time’s a charm eh? 🙂
In other news, it’s Chameleons next week and a fortnight today, Invasion. I guess I better get my finger out and find out if Mrs J’s got any plans. Again, you can but hope.
[ Today’s lyric: The Only Living Boy in New Cross by Carter, the Unstoppable Sex Machine…. only 20 years ago. Sheesh. 😉 ]