“Turn me around and take me back to the start,
I must be losing my mind,
I’ve seen it all a million times.”

Hi there,

Blimey, it’s turned a tad chilly of late hasn’t it? Righto, that’s the obligatory English conversational invitation over with, shall we move on? 🙂

I think the warm November had softened me up a little. I certainly wasn’t ready to be sat on the wrong side of cold in the office today. Luckily we have an emergency heater that we keep stashed in the draw – just don’t tell Estates. Shhh. 🙂

Despite the lack of sunlight and cold, cold weather, I’m enjoying December. I think it’s the run up to Xmas and all that it entails. Despite being slightly less flush in the bank department than last year…. Well, that’s not strictly true. The Ever Lovely Mrs Jones’s salary and mine haven’t gone down per say, I think it’s more that a lot of other items (like food and fuel) have gone up. We’ll have to cut back on running the fire with wads of fifty pound notes at this rate. 🙂

Still, the good news is that we’re pretty much done on the gift front. The kids and close family are  sorted and just the other day, I had a day out shopping with my sister. She got a few items for the Jones collective and I finished off my shopping for the Ever Lovely Mrs Jones. As Miss Jones lives further afield than us, I don’t see my sister as frequently as I once did. In many ways, she’s at the other end of the economic scale with being a working parent and having an absent CSA dodging ex-husband. Cue plenty of chatter about how things are, a number of coffee breaks and liberal use of the bank card. We stopped off in Debenhams so she could get some more eyeliner. “Which should I get?” she asked.

“The purply one as it’ll go with your green eyes.” At least, that’s what the lady from the Body Shop had told me back in the day.

The make-up lady nodded too, so Miss J asked: “How do you know that?”

“I’ll tell you when you’re older.” 🙂 Which is a pants line, but I couldn’t think of much beyond the truth and I think that may have been too much. Besides, when you’re having a good time, why bring it down? She laughed and we moved on. All in all a very nice day and reasons to be cheerful!

Talking of which, I made my initial appointment with the therapist today. It’s for next week and it’s a sort of… investigation type thingy… where they talk things over and find out if it’ll help. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. Can – or even should I – stay on the anti-miserablist tablets long term? I don’t know the answer to that. I do know that the Ever Lovely Mrs Jones has been looking into depression from a chemical angle (she’s clever like that) and talk with someone at her work suggested that folk of my genetic origins may benefit from a healthy does of vitamin D (just bought), regular exercise (check) and keeping busy (check).

So far, so good which will put Monday’s brief bad spell way behind me. I think it was a combination of a very busy weekend (from a work point of view), missing my tablet and then having a sh** day at work. There I was, pulled up in a lay-by in the dark watching the occasional car (Ed: what’s an occasional car look like? :-P) drift by my rural hideaway. I think all of the previous – coupled with being tired – had built up to the modern cliche of a perfect storm. Off we went with the usual feelings of despair and half a pack of tissues used to dry the tears. Trans folk eh? We’re a mess. Depressed, self absorbed ones, doubly so. 🙂

Yet as the tidal wave of emotion ebbed, the logical side of me (Ed: thanks Spock) realised I’d been here before and….. I’d survived. Pull yourself together, you’ve been through worse, I said aloud, wiped my eyes and turned the engine over. Macho BS aside, there are times when you’ve got to push the Black Dog back and walk away from its cloying embrace. I think it’s still sat waiting in the bushes by the side of the road. It can bloody stay there too. 🙂

With the above negativity out of the way, I can move on to happier news. I popped round to see Sophie on Wednesday night and much was said over tea and just the right amount of cake. I was in bloke mode, Sophie wasn’t. We had a good old chin way about various things and a damned good laugh. Again, reasons to be cheerful as Mr Dury once sang. We had a brief chat about My Transsexual Summer and how that – and films – could push our emotional buttons. I know that Mrs J and I were both very moved by the hopes part from Trans-Summer (apologies for the contraction!) and for me, the comment – and I paraphrase – “these are my streets and I should walk them” struck home.

I’ve got a short list of stuff to do for next week: mend my dress properly this time, try to buy some of those sheer tights with the big stars on, sort out some new tracks for the Chameleons Christmas Party (thank you Lady GaGa) and help sort the food out too. Should be interesting.

Take care,

[ Today’s lyric: Paradise City by Guns and Roses… or Iron Horse if you like a bit of bluegrass. ]


  1. Wow, I can't believe that you are so far ahead with your Christmas shopping! We haven't started yet!

    Good luck keeping the dog away!


  2. I find that I got through cycles, sometimes there there is a constant need to stay vigilant against the wallowing. At other times he never seems to come near – maybe I need some Vit D as well 🙂

    Loved the comment to your sister!


  3. Stace: We started extra early this year. Mainly to spread the cost, avoid last minute panic buying and the mountain of wrapping we'll end up doing.

    No sign of Darth Mutt so far. 😉

    Becca: Thanks, mrs. Avoiding the dark pit for wallowing sounds like a good idea. Even if you get dragged in, forcing yourself to drag yourself back out is worth it… no matter how tough it can be. Pass the tablets. 😀

  4. Makes sense to take vitamin d tablets especially as there's not a great deal of the natural stuff in these dark months, supposed to help the bones stop faltering as well.
    Good luck coping with the dog xx

  5. Lucy: Mrs J is the clever one and on occasion, I do listen to her advice. 😉 So far so good with keeping the hound at bay…. fingers crossed for the new year eh?

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