“You’re in and you’re out,
You’re up and you’re down.”

Hi peeps,

Before we dive into this week’s wittering, I think I should take the time to say thanks. A number of you commented, PM’d or emailed me over last week’s troubles and I found that deeply touching. You didn’t have to and for you doing so, I’m grateful. Thank you.


Laptops, they’re a bit Martini aren’t they? Not so much shaken not stirred, although today’s appointment did turn over a few stones… Where was I? Oh yes, tortured analogies. 🙂 Any time, any place, anywhere. All you need is a WiFi signal and you’re good to go. Well, okay, a full battery helps too. 😉 So here I am, holed up in a quiet room, sarnies to the left of me, laptop to the right. Hmmm… this is rapidly turning into some type of song isn’t it. (Ed: concentrate, dear, concentrate).

How did today go? I talked… a lot… as per. That poor lady, having to sit through that eh? 🙂 At least it’s for a reason and it’s part of her job. I wonder what it’s like on the other side of the fence? Sat, listening; picking out the details from the roll of chit chat and explanations. Hmmm, something to think about another time I guess.

It’s funny, from the initial appointment – although perhaps ‘review’ would have been a better choice – I felt that we were going to talk about unresolved grief. Something I alluded to in a previous post. But, the more we talk, the more light is thrown on my life. Through the questions asked, it seems that we come back time and time again to the trans elements of it. Not so much how I struggle with it, dare I say I am happy being trans. I think the problem may be that I’m not a happy trans person. Does that make sense?

In some way, I find it helpful. To stay on the sunny side of the street, I feel I can talk fully and openly about this. I guess it’s a more… clinical? Is that the word I’m looking for? No, not clinical. It’s more analytic. Dear, this is becoming a stream of consciousness isn’t it. 🙂

So, it’s more from an analytic point of view on the whole situation. The history, the narrative, the internal workings and my relationships with people. The summary of our conversation seems to have moved on from the idea of smoothing things over, in that I seem to be masking. There’s so much I don’t talk about: emotions, the trans life and my feelings. Not because I want to smooth stuff over, but maybe because I don’t want to share it with folk. Why do I say trans life? Well, much as I don’t split myself up between Richard and Lynn (Ed: oops, real name alert!), I do keep the two social worlds very much apart.

Hey, I find that somewhat ironic because here on this blog I do not that. [pause] No, that’s not true is it. There’s stuff I don’t mention on here. Certain elements of going out, how the kids are doing. Pants, I’ve just proved it! Whoops. 🙂

The counsellor in question is very good and she was honest enough to say that the trans stuff is very new to her. Sure, she’s aware of it, but not to the depth of someone who lives within that culture. It’s going to be an interesting journey for both of us. To be honest, I’ve asked if it would be helpful if someone from Chameleons, maybe even me, answered a few questions on the subject. Not that I’m an expert, moreover, just a peak into what goes on with the social circle and what type of issues trans folk may experience.

As to the masking idea, I guess that feels a bit easier to talk about with the Ever Lovely Mrs Jones. I mean last time, it didn’t go that well did it. I suppose you could construe the idea of ‘smoothing’ as I’m holding back because of you. Again, maybe the truth is deeper than that. Maybe I’m holding back because I fear what the truth will bring. There is something to ponder.

Talking of pondering, I have to decide what to wear for Thursday. 🙂


Last night was just what the Doctor ordered. How do I feel? A lot better than I did over the last few days that’s for sure. Maybe some quality dressing time was all that was needed. Makes me wonder if there’s a pattern beginning to form.

I’m not normally this camp.
It’s usually far worse 😉

Anyways, I got their early and got the tables and chairs ready. The place had been locked up, but thankfully I had a copy of the codes to open the doors. After that, it was nip upstairs to get changed. As per, I had my outfit and backup outfit 🙂 With that careful planning, the jeggings stayed in the bag and I went with my funky leggings. They’re not shiny nor matte and feel good, so on they went. I decided on a long pink top and as I wanted a bit more coverage, I had a long pale blue wrap top too. I had to let Maddy in as someone had shut the door downstairs. As I finished getting ready, I had a good long chat with her and Alison about this, that and the other.

Downstairs, Sam had turned up and although the evening started off quietly, we all got nattering and had a good laugh. Not all of it was quite so politically correct as it probably should be, but hey, we’re a minority right? 🙂 Sam and Maddy spilled the beans on the exploits of PP. Sophie was kind enough to bring a few boxes of cakes – bless you mrs! We also talked about the pain of laser – something I’d like to sort out when I get on top of the money situation. Maybe not face, but certainly chest as that’s pretty patchy to be honest and I really wouldn’t miss that. I guess I’m lucky in that my beard is a bit here nor there. As to chest hair, an epliator takes care of it, but on a bad day, I still get a bit of razor rash or the odd spot and that kinda ruins the look. Gah, we’re such vain creatures aren’t we. 🙂

Talking of vanity, there was the obligatory fashion shoot – or turkey shoot – depending on your point of view. I’ll forward those around. Val has started to take snaps of people during the evening and they’re very natural shots. It was also her birthday the other day – so many happy returns if you’re reading this. Val!

As Tracey wasn’t about, I counted up the money and put it away until next time. I locked up and that was that. Meeting up with everyone and a bit of Lynn-time has really helped. Friday passed without any visit from the Black Dog – perhaps its off burying a shoe some place? – and for that I was grateful. My memory seemed to be a little more on track and while I didn’t do a huge amount at work – so it goes – I was in a much better news. The Ever Lovely Mrs J is out tonight, so I’ve got time to go through the photos that people took and pass those around on email. All good stuff really.

On that contented note, take care and I’ll see you next week.


[ Today’s lyric: Hot and Cold by Katy Perry ]


  1. Well I for one, feel a lot better for an evening in yours, and the others, company Lynn.
    And Happy birthday Val. 🙂

    Oh yes cakes, Or as Sam calls them 'Evil food' (holds little finger over mouth). 😉

    Hope you liked the Photos.
    Take care.

  2. Sophie: It was a good night wasn't it. Yays all round. Ta for the links to the Aardman stuff. Very funny and very you. 🙂

    Hmmm… Cakes. Yum. Thanks for bringing those along and the snaps too.

    Evil Food. LOL I will call you… Mini Rolls. 🙂

  3. Sounds like a much better week!

    I can see how cakes are evil food… They always entice you into doing something you know you'll regret afterwards 🙂


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