This time around the post is, to coin a well-loved phrase, a game of two halves. Well, not so much on the game front. That would imply some type of playing about or…. actually, I don’t know, but something less than serious. 🙂
As I write it’s Tuesday afternoon and I’ve just come back from my first counselling session. It was a positive experience and we talked about a number of issues. How do I feel right now? A little calmer than when I left. Back then, I left… well, not upset, but like I had been shaken up internally. As if there was a swirling wind within me; something pushing at the metaphorical bars trying to get out, but it couldn’t. So, I sat and ate my lunch in the autumn sun as I waited for the bus. Eyes now safely behind dark glasses and the anonymity of the street to let me think. I gazed out of the window on the way back, trying to ignore the people I could see and make sense of what was going on internally. Like other t-folk this week, I seem to be feeling jealous of the female form. I hope it’s just a side effect of being down. The alternative scares me too much.
|Matthew Johnstone’s I Had a Black Dog|
Some of the things we spoke about, well, they’re deeply personal and I won’t reveal them on here. Not that I don’t trust you guys not to take it seriously, but not everything is about me – there’s family stuff too and I try to keep the Jones Massive out of the limelight. What I can do is talk about in vague terms. We talked about work, home-life, relationships and – of course – the T word. The councillor, was insightful and lead me down a number of paths through conversation. She said that she has to try and not make a snap judgement, but probe around the subjects and find out a general picture of what may be wrong. Talking of pictures, the image to the right is by Matthew Johnstone. He wrote/drew a couple of books and that’s from I had a Black Dog. He has a blog and it makes for very interesting reading. Hopefully he won’t mind me using one of his excellent illustrations.
Last time, the lady in question had said that it may be undisclosed grief. I guess mentally I’d prepared myself to talk about that… yet, instead, I found my barriers falling down and being completely open. I told myself that I needed to be open, open so that I could get everything in the open. No secrets, no lies. It’s not something I do very often and I found it tough. I know the young lady does this as a job (and well I might add), but opening your heart to a complete stranger: I found that tough. Hell, we talked about some things that I don’t tell anyone: not even the Ever Lovely Mrs Jones.
After about 35 minutes or so, the councillor said that she had a feeling towards a pattern appearing. That was that I smooth things over. In order to keep stuff going – work, socially and personally – I disconnect and compromise to keep the peace. Yes, it gets the job done, but there is a price. The price is this: I don’t always get to be me. She said that maybe in the last year or so, maybe I smoothed things over so much… that… that I forgot to be me. “Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? Looks like we’re going to have a problem here.” 🙂
Ironic in a way I suppose. At work I can be immensely forthright – double barrel blunt on many an occasion. Yet socially and at home, the opposite can be true. Maybe I feel that work, it’s not personal so in the giant swing of things, it doesn’t matter? I don’t know, I’m not a professional headologist 😉
Where do we go from here? Well, another session: same Bat Time, same Bat Channel. It’s left me with a number of questions and a lot of think about. One of them is how much am I holding back on the trans front. We talked about body image at one point and that I don’t shave my legs. Most of the time it doesn’t bother me, I can work round it (two pairs of tights or leggings and I’m good), yet… Yet, there’s something else that lurks along with those thoughts. They don’t look how I feel. I don’t consider myself female, I never have. I’m somewhere in the middle: mentally, bits of both as I’ve blogged about in the past. But being hairy, I’ve never liked it. It just…. it just doesn’t feel right.
Coming back to smoothing things over, Mrs J isn’t happy about smooth pins. It upsets her a great deal. I guess the question is this: what price freedom? How much do I push for me to feel right at the expense of others? Can you have your cake and eat it?
Decisions, decisions eh? 🙂
Sometimes, things just don’t work out. I’m not going to the Big Night Out. I am up and down like a yo-yo today. This morning, parked up in a layby sobbing away, I was worried that I’d wrecked things between me and Mrs J. I dried my eyes, pulled a brave face from somewhere and went to work. How very British. 😉 Things are better than they were, but I still seem to be slipping back into the dark mire. I wish it would just f*** off, I really do.
Still, it’s the weekend (for us at least) and that means no work to do, time with the family and maybe a trip to town for a spot of shopping. All stuff to look forward to.
[ Today’s lyric Owner of a Lonely Heart by Yes ]