Category: Shade

It’s not me, it’s you

Shade, Uncategorized

Hi Subscription News App, I thought we’d have a sit down over a coffee, I feel we need to talk. I’ve really enjoyed your articles, satire, and the amazing journalism you’ve been doing these last few years. Speaking truth to power and championing the rights of people. Yeah, you’re waiting for the ‘but’ aren’t you? Imagine if you will, that your news app was a restaurant: well designed, good content, and I get the things I need. Sure, some stuff isn’t to my tastes, but that’s okay; I can skip over the restaurant equivalent of the sports section. All that good stuff, and then every, say, two weeks to a month, one of your staff would wander up and spit […]

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Scene: Trellness

Shade, Uncategorized

Hi, A guest post today from Su Pinder-Kup, a new wellness coach. Please keep in mind that SPK has a nonsense – sorry, no nonsense! – approach to exercise, that some readers may find a little frank. Just make sure little Frank is tucked away safely and do your best. Hello everyone and welcome to the new trans specific exercise class: Trellness. We were going to call it Troga, but that’s actually a thing, so for legal reasons, I’ve had to pick a new name. For the record, this is absolutely not a marketing tactic by myself. Rather than create a video showing my incredible physique and amazing poise, I’d thought I’d be kind and provide written instructions for you […]

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Scene: Tagged

Shade, Uncategorized

A gentleman of senior years sits behind a modern desk in a beautiful vintage office. There’s a knock at the door. Sir Gregory Hutt-Morton: Yes? Two men enter the room wearing finely tailored dark suits. One has a briefcase and both are wearing bowler hats and vintage sunglasses. Sir Gregory Hutt-Morton: I’m sorry, gentlemen, but I gave strict instructions that I would not be attending not funding the Little Hampton Steampunk faire. Lord Darkwing, the Unseen Menace of Curs and Laggards: If I may pop my hat on the stand… Terror of Rulers, Twister of Words and Policy: Steady, I think we’ve be read…. Gregory: By Lady Margaret’s iron knickers, you two hellspawn! Lord Darkwing: Greetings, Sir If You Don’t […]

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Script: The Reading

Shade

Three people in somber clothing sit in front of a dark wooden desk. They’re in the library of an old house. Outside, rain batters the window and thunder rumbles in the night. A typical summer really. Robert Schmidt-Easton: Thank you for attending the reading of the will for the late Professor Emilius Elwood. Derek Foxton: Ah, dear Professor Emily, bless him. Janet Heinz: He passed quickly – beautifully, even. His death wasn’t unexpected either. Derek: He did love to toy with forces beyond mortal ken. Robert: Umm. There’s no mention of a Ken in the will. Are we waiting for another party? Janet: No. It’s all fine. Please carry on. Robert: Ahem. Yes. Where was I? In accordance with the […]

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Script: Impish

Shade, Uncategorized

Scene: a gentlemen of senior years in a smart suit stands in near darkness. Outside the gloom, fire crackles unseen and there’s an unpleasant chemical taint to the air. Sir Gregory Hutt-Morton: I say, hello? Is there anyone there? A collection of spikes and barbs rise from the floor with a screech of metal against stone. They bend and bind into a set of chairs and a conference table. Sir Gregory Hutt-Morton: By all that’s holy! What fellness is this? HELP! Someone! Helloooo? Sir Gregory runs into the gloom, almost having to push his through the fog like darkness. In the distance he sees a patch of light. Running to it, he finds himself by the same chairs and table. […]

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Script: Testing times

Shade, Uncategorized

A number of mostly middle-aged women wait outside a meeting room. Inside, two people can be seen moving tables and chairs around. Karen: Oh, sorry I’m late everyone. Couldn’t park. Oh, what’s that on the door? Jenny: Hi Karen. We’ve not started yet, so you’re not late. Oh, that thing on the wall? It’s a Legitimiser. Karen: A what? Sarah: Hi Karen. I think it’s a… smartlock? A new thing that cheeks if you are allowed to enter the office spaces. Jenny: Apparently it keeps folk out who aren’t known to it. That and it’s linked to a camera and alarm system. Karen: Alarms and cameras? Good, no more riffraff spoiling things for us proper locals! I had to shoo […]

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