Scene: Trellness

Hi,

A guest post today from Su Pinder-Kup, a new wellness coach. Please keep in mind that SPK has a nonsense – sorry, no nonsense! – approach to exercise, that some readers may find a little frank. Just make sure little Frank is tucked away safely and do your best.

---

Hello everyone and welcome to the new trans specific exercise class: Trellness. We were going to call it Troga, but that’s actually a thing, so for legal reasons, I’ve had to pick a new name. For the record, this is absolutely not a marketing tactic by myself.

Rather than create a video showing my incredible physique and amazing poise, I’d thought I’d be kind and provide written instructions for you to follow. Do use your finger to point at the words if this helps you.

First exercise: The Applicant

To perform The Applicant, you will need a table or high chair to place your foot upon. If you are planning on doing this partially clothed, do make sure it’s in the comfort of your own home. Apparently this is against Ikea’s Fair Use of their show bathrooms.

To begin, raise your foot and place it on the high table.

Lean into the pose into you have difficulty breathing.

Next, reach for a bottle of nail varnish.

Now put your foot back and spend a few minutes threading a twisted roll of toilet roll to splay out your toes.

This won’t help with the application, but at least you’ll get your breath back.

Once the toes are properly spaced, raise your foot to the high point and open the nail varnish bottle. Apply the colour as best as you can.

Hold this pose by performing The Hand Fan using, well, your hands, and apply the Breath of Life by blowing gently on the not yet dry polish.

If you find your pulse racing as the Post Office staff knock on the door, continue to fan your toes, but do not break the pose.

Once the first coat is dry, lower your leg and repeat this routine trice more. This should give you a double coat on each set of nails on each foot.

Please note it’s not necessary to wait for the Post Office person on repetitions two through to four.

However, do reminder to remove the tissue twists as these may interfere with putting on sock or wearing sandals.

Second Exercise: The Huff

This routine will require you to be prepared with your Big Girl Pants already on. You will need body tape and a bra, as well.

Step one is to apply the body tape to the front of your chest, gathering your moobs into a passable semblance of cleavage. Think of this as underlining your assets, rather than over doing it a la The Mummy Returns. Once taped, you can begin the exercise.

Place both arms through the straps of your bra. Go with tradition and ensure the fastening is at the back.

Bend forward slightly and move your arms to reach into the centre of your back.

Your first attempt to fasten the bra well result in breathlessness and frustration. This is quite normal.

Take a moment to gather your inner peace and repeat the exercise in five minute bursts until you are successful. Beginners may find it helpful to murmur the power phrases ‘bloody hell’ or ‘come on you stupid catch’ as encouragement.

Once you bra is on, insert the padding of your choice.

For those wishing to increase their exercise, the Huff can be enhanced by strapping oneself into a corset and self tightening the cords. If you are like Lynn and use reinforced steel cabling, do remember to wear protective gloves. Do note that extending the Huff with corsetry is best delayed until you’ve completed the Tumbler routine, below.

Exercise Three: The Ladder

For this exercise you will need a pair of tights, hold ups, or stockings. Opaque, sheer, or patterned is fine. Ideally they should match on each leg.

Alternatively, if you are very short, a set of adult sized socks will do. You may need a glue stick to keep the socks up.

To begin the exercise, gently work the material of the hosiery up your hand. The aim here is to bunch the material ready to apply it along your leg. If you find the gusset of the tights under your armpit, you’ve pulled it up, rather than rolled.

With the material gently gathered, place your foot in the toe area and gently draw the hosiery up your leg. You may wish to be sat down or in a chair. There are no prizes for putting on your tights while stood up.

Once the hosiery is on, check for any ladders and if any are found, remove the tights, curse your luck, and apply a new pair.

Remember that old tights can be recycled into an emergency wig cap, cut up into strips to tie plants, or for face wear during armed robbery.

Exercise Four: The Tumbler

With your nails done, bra, knickers, and tights in place, you are ready to begin our last exercise.

You will need a pair of Mary Janes, T bars, or strappy sandals for this exercise.

If you are looking to wear sandals, you may wish to repeat The Ladder, and swap out to toeless tights. If you’re pushed for time, just snip the offending toe box part away of the tights and hope they don’t shoot up your leg while out.

Stand on one leg and place your foot in the shoe. Check for breakable objects or nearby friends that might be fallen on. If you can see them, you’ve set up the exercise correctly.

Wobble slightly on the foot that’s on the floor and attempt to do the clasp on the shoe.

Pick the shoe up off the floor and repeat. Be wary of balancing the heel of the shoe against your leg, as you will have to repeat The Ladder exercise otherwise.

With one shoe on, you are now in the Danger Zone: yet, as you balance at this peak, you are at the spiritual summit of perfect genderfluidity. Embrace the inner peace.

Enlightened, while balancing on your heeled foot, raise the other leg until the knee is almost touching your chin. Take a moment to be one with the universe and avoid the pitfall of thinking you look like a twit on one leg.

While breathing gently, speak the Zen phrase “oh-uh”, and in small, unhurried movements, put on the other shoe. Take power breaths in short huffs before doing up the clasp.

When fastened, place your foot on the floor and permit yourself a well earned smile. Be careful not to over do it, as no one likes a smartie pants.

Bonus Exercises: The Compass & the Contortionist

A note of thanks to one of Lynn’s regular readers, Ms Susan Richmond, who informed me of this missing pose: the Compass.

For this stretch and curse technique, you will need a dress or top with a zip that runs from the neck to mid waist.

Unzip said item and slip it on. While balancing in your heels, position your hands as follows.

Your left arm should be raised over you left shoulder, and the hand touching the material with the zip.

Your right arm should be twisted behind you back in the classic Home Office Welcome position. Your right hand should now be in the small of your back.

While gripping the zip together in your left hand, attempt to shuffle the zip upwards with your right.

Pause for breath, swear rudely, and reverse the approach: use your left arm to try and reach the zip, while holding the stress steady with your right hand.

If you cannot reach the zip and the stress is taking on its own demonic life; congratulations, you’re doing this exercise correctly.

To progress, lower the zip and locate a paperclip with some string attached. You are midway in this exercise. Thread the paperclip into the zip using your right hand, and do this blind. For added stretching and confusion, do use a mirror to get your left and right mixed up.

Once you’ve threaded the paperclip into the zip, you’ll find it easier to do the zip up. Note you may need to bend 103 degrees forward, to let the thread drop from your right hand, to your left. Again, don’t forget to keep hold of the dress in your right hand, while swaying around in your heels, desperately trying to swing the string into your left hand.

Once the dress is zipped, do remove the paperclip and thread.

However – and this is key! – do keep both paperclip and string in your handbag for later. This will help with the second part of our guest recommendation, the Contortionist. A note of thanks to regular reader, Ms Susie Jay, for her valued feedback.

Reuse of the paperclip and string will assist in avoiding the following key pitfalls. Firstly, the social awkwardness of asking a close friend to undo it. The experience of others suggests:

• disappointing them as you only want the dress unzipped and comments of ‘nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more’ etc.
• disappointing yourself on seeing their polite revulsion that you thought they might want anything more
• the embarrassment of fellow patrons if you asked just a little too loudly in the restaurant or bar.

Secondly, it will help avoid the sheer panic of getting trapped in your dress, resulting in trying to fasten the zip to the wall, and lowering yourself up and down, like a bear with a bad fur problem. Note that this will tone your legs beautifully, but may damage your clothing.

Closing

Thank you for following our Trellness course and we look forward to you looking fabulous and flexible in the coming weeks.

SPK 🙏

---

Hopefully you’ve realised this is not meant to be serious 😁 I’d also like to point out that there’s a lot of good stuff to be said about maintaining your flexibility and mediative exercise. Yeah, but then I would say that wouldn’t I? Guardian reading, tofu eating, wokist 😉

L x