A gentleman of senior years sits behind a modern desk in a beautiful vintage office. There's a knock at the door.
Sir Gregory Hutt-Morton: Yes?
Two men enter the room wearing finely tailored dark suits. One has a briefcase and both are wearing bowler hats and vintage sunglasses.
Sir Gregory Hutt-Morton: I’m sorry, gentlemen, but I gave strict instructions that I would not be attending not funding the Little Hampton Steampunk faire.
Lord Darkwing, the Unseen Menace of Curs and Laggards: If I may pop my hat on the stand…
Terror of Rulers, Twister of Words and Policy: Steady, I think we’ve be read….
Gregory: By Lady Margaret’s iron knickers, you two hellspawn!
Lord Darkwing: Greetings, Sir If You Don’t Mind. May I introduce my colleague, Terry Ruler, and myself, Derek Wing.
Terror: We’re in disguise. We’re auditing policy.
Gregory: I rescind my invitation to come in –
Terror: Nice try and that’s vampires. Plus, it doesn’t actually work except in books. Next you’ll be telling me the Minister for Immigrant Processing has a reflection in the mirror.
Darkwing: Ah, you jester you, Terror. As if we’d allow undead predators to roam freely within mortal society, preying on the fit and healthy.
Terror chuckles and looks shifty
Gregory: Umm. Don’t you mean preying on the weak?
Terror: Would you drink the milk if the cow looked ropey? Eat a vegetarian that was passed its best?
Darkwing: My colleague means vegetable.
Terror: Ha! Ahem, of course. But my point remains.
Gregory: Umm, no. But, hold. Why are you gentle… uhh… entities are here?
Darkwing: An excellent question, Sir Gregory.
Terror: We’re here to fit your tracking beacon.
Gregory: That’s outrageous! An infringement of my rights –
Darkwing: My apologies, I mean your second tracking beacon.
Terror: Not sure that will calm him down.
Gregory (getting to his feet): *second* tracker?
Darkwing: Ah, let me explain. Technically it’s your first human tracker.
Gregory: So why say second?
Terror: Between us three, if a mortal does anything evil – you know, proper old school stuff or helps spread suffering, hatred, that type of thing – naturally, demonic forces are interested.
Gregory: For some type of diabolical punishment I take it?
Darkwing: No, usually as trainee management material, but it’s surprising how much the two overlap.
Gregory: How does one, hypothetically, avoid such a fate of torture and brutality?
Darkwing: Well, I’d suggest don’t vote for fascists for a starter. They do like to brutalise out groups to distract you.
Gregory: I meant in the afterlife!
Terror: Well, my dear nonspecific gender entity, I can neither confirm or deny the existence of an afterlife. That would very much be against policy.
Darkwing: Very true. Put it this way, try not to be a d*ck, frankly. Now, talking of which, could you roll up your trouser leg?
Gregory: What on Earth for?
Darkwing: Well, given the current mood in the administration around the threat posed by ‘those type of people’. Those who might sexually assault others, claim money underhandedly while being looked after by the state, chip off early from gainful employment, seek to access safe spaces they’re not allowed in, and that’s before we get to campaigning for changes no one wants…
Gregory: You’re going to need a lot of those tags if you’re going to mark every channel hopping, workshy, ne’er-do-well, benefit scrounging… Wait, what was that moan noise from your pocket?
Terror: Sorry. That’s my CryPhone. It’s just alerted me to a possible junior management recruit.
Darkwing: This tag is for you, Sir Gregory. Evidence shows that rich, entitled people –
Terror: We removed the word ‘privileged’ to respect your cultural leanings.
Darkwing: – thank you, Terror. Entitled people are often the ones involved in scandals over abuse of said power. So, based on evidence, we’re tagging those most likely to offend.
Gregory: That’s outrageous! My right to privacy, I mean…
Terror: But your own party said – and you supported this – “the innocent person has nothing to fear.”
Gregory: Yes, well, that’s mostly true, but, umm…
Darkwing: The right to privacy? Yes, it’s almost as if a universal set of human rights would be a good thing. A way to protect the individual from the tyranny of the state.
The two non-human entities burst into what passes for laughter in their dimension. It sounds like a trumpet bring pushed into a shredder, only with less tune.
Gregory: This is no laughing matter! I’ve not done anything wrong!
Darkwing: Yes, but you *might* and even if you didn’t do it directly, you might see someone who was there.
Gregory: What? Some type of snitch? A grass? Blag on the lag?
Terror (fans their face which is more flushed): Ooo, I love it when they talk all cop show.
Darkwing: Contain yourself, my AC-12 loving fiend.
Gregory: Wait! Which one of you slipped this on me!
Darkwing: In very sorry, Sir Gregory, but you know the policy, snitches get stitches. I can neither confirm or deny our involvement in the alleged incident.
Gregory: But… I’m meeting an important client in an hour.
Terror: Well, let us hope that’s it is all above board and not assisting your application to join our Future Pleaders – sorry! – *Leaders* programme.
Darkwing: A pleasure as always, Sir Gregory. Is that your phone again, Terror?
Terror: Good Golgotha, it is. Looks like Sir Gregory’s meeting is early… and it’s with Kay-Pee-Eye, head of the Infernal Inaction Recruitment team. We need to scoot, old fiend.
Darkwing: Best of luck at the discussion, old chap. Try not to sign anything – especially in blood.