Hi,
Eh, there’s a lot going on upstairs in the old noggin- just not necessarily, anything with focus or structure. Yes, it may be one of those posts! 🙂
Tech stuff
A few things to get out of the way. Feel free to skip over these. Well, TBF, you could skip over any or all of my ramblings! 🙂
I’ve kept the switchover to a different CAPTCHA and I am hoping that that will be easier for you to use. The previous one seemed to have a habit of some sort of time out, where a comment might get thrown away. Annoying to say the least!
The new one is open source and does not send any data off YATGB for processing or collection. Yay for free software and the lovely folk who keep it all going!
In terms of what this means to you, I am hoping that commenting will be easier. I would recommend you copy your comment to the clipboard *just in case* while we work out if this is a better system.
In minor news, for an experiment, I’ve plugged in an old wireless keyboard and the dongle into my smartphone. I was surprised to find that Android picked this up as a ‘mini keyboard’, so I’m currently bashing the keys on that. Certainly a little easier than cranking the miniPC up from its slumber. I will take that as a win, as typing on here is a bit easier than swiping the virtual keys.
The eyes don’t have it
It was time for my yearly eye test, so off I went along the country lanes – given that there’s a lot of roadworks on the main routes! – and over to the village but one. There’s a local business who I’ve been with for a few years, and I kinda like the idea of getting (keeping?) money in the local economy.
Other than my emptying my brain of fluff, why am I writing about eye tests? Well, I don’t have any issues, other than needing glasses, so there’s that bit of posiblog 🙂
As the specialist ran through the final check of my notes, she asked me if I had any questions. It was the one I didn’t ask that pushed my buttons. I should add that this is my fault, not hers.
I wanted to ask about some glasses for my other appearance…. but I bottled it, smiled nicely, and completed the rest of the appointment.
Afterwards, as I walked through the sunny autumn streets, I was disappointed and frustrated with myself. I guess I did not want to make the specialist awkward or make the appointment weird. Does that make any sense?
I think this is one of the irritations of being trans-something-or-other, when you’re not out, so when you need some help ‘for your other gender’, there’s the risk of upsetting someone, making it odd, or embarrassing myself.
Methinks the lady doth overthink too much! 🤣
Maybe I need to recharge my Magical Big Girl Pants ‘cos nerve & trans* power where not in easy reach. Sigh.
What I wanted was to ask about what frames would suit me when I was in Lynn mode – or words to that effect. I’m paraphrasing given you dear reader, know what Lynn Mode is. The firm is fairly close to home and we visit that village a bit…. so walking in there, I’m not sure. Hence wanting to ask and maybe a fitting off the shop floor, type of thing.
So, nothing ventured and absolutely nothing gained… Yes, I’m still irked at myself.
Not Septembrrr
The warmth of the summer – or Climate Change? – has meant it has remained unseasonably warm of late. I am missing the morning mists or having to remove the frost from the windshield.
Mind you, it’s not like I’m doing the school run nor driving to work anymore. The latter is remote and Child 2.0 is now into his second week of college, bless him. The Ever Lovely Mrs J and I feel he is finding his feet and what works for him. I really hope so ♥️
Mix & match
With a now empty house and cooler weather, I am back to Shirt N Skirt for working remotely. This seems to help keep my feet on the ground and is ticking a box in my head somehow.
The shift to layers means I am back to layering a bodysuit for both comfort and warmth, so that is something to be grateful for. I guess it is more points in the Affirming Index, and I’ll take that.
Oh, Susie happened to mention Little Black Dresses the other day – no, that would be too much for the office, yes! 😁 – and I thought about the two/three I have in the wardrobe.
Cue a purchase on Vinted and it was a bit of a punt, despite the kindness of the vendor on measuring the hemline & shoulder drop. But, the Fates of Fashion smiled and it was, IMO, a perfect fit. I shall look forward to wearing that for the Xmas ‘Do,
The Distant Lands
If you’ve been checking out the Blogroll feed, you may have noticed Carla’s Blog – Pink Fog: Trans in Spain. If you haven’t I would recommend a read 🙂… and you’re about to get a link anyway! 😁
Carla wrote about her childhood in the post Signs of Being Trans? and this did make me think about her experiences and also my own. You may want to go and read her post beforehand.
Update: You may also want to get comfortable, get snacks, and maybe ensure you’ve had a bio-break before settling in. Don’t say I didn’t warn you! 😁
In truth, I find writing about my childhood a little difficult. Not because it was bad or any of that, but just – and do make your own jokes here! 🙂 – it seems a long time ago.
I am nearly midway into my 50s and there’s been a lot of water under the bridge since I was in single digits, or only just into double.
Memory is not great in terms of accuracy because it’s not really a record, but a story; and stories change in the telling. Well, mine do with time – so don’t ask me to give evidence! 😁 My memory is driven by emotions like large rocks dropped in the sand. Events, thoughts, and – of course – feelings, are tied to those, so trying to write about experiences, rather than ones linked to the charge of feelings is very difficult.
What can I say about my childhood and growing up? I think I can say that there seemed to be lots I just didn’t understand. I do not know if that’s a trans thing, neurodiversity, me, or a combination of all of those. I would say it is probably unlikely to be resolved, so we will just have to go with it.
To apply some modern language, I felt ‘other’ a lot of the time. I’ve said before that I was too soft to play with the boys, and too geeky to be with the girls. The 70s & 80s were very cis-het. By that everyone was assumed – nay encouraged? – to be straight; you where a boy or a girl; and geek culture was not celebrated, but mocked.
Gah. I’ve let my emotions write the story again. Bugger… I wouldn’t mind, but I’ve just deleted four paragraphs, after writing myself into a cul-de-sac. Maybe plugging the keyboard in wasn’t such a good idea! 😁 I’ll try to riff from Carla’s post.
In terms of role models, with the exception of seeing a ‘female impersonators on the telly, there wasn’t anything trans* on my RADAR. The old school British theatre spillover into television meant that drag was a thing, just not like it is now. Usually it was straight blokes doing it for comic effect. Not the empowerment or rebellion we see of recent years.
I do remember loving the Shirley Bassey show. I guess it was the mix of OTT glamour, comedy, a strong female lead, and some good tunes. I think Shirley’s stage presence spoke to me, as a quiet geeky kid from a backward small town.
80s hair…. and Chris (left)😏
Other strong media memories – and no, we won’t talk about Buffalo Bill right now 😬 – where an episode of Juliet Bravo (80s British TV cop show) where they’re arrested a guy dressed up as a woman. Of course, he’s a bad guy! He’d dressed up! 🙄 But there was a much better one with the amazing Christopher Morley (I think!) in the American TV show, 50/50, or Partners In Crime, as it may have been billed. Even if they did overdub their voice.
I think the episode – which you can find on YouTube – is a kidnapping plot. But Chris’s character lives as a woman and performs on stage in ‘an all male review’. It was the 80s and daytime TV – they’re not going to big up drag culture 😉 But again, this was a glimpse – if it was fiction – that queer people existed and could do things on their own terms.
Thank all that is fabulous for Channel 4 running Out on Tuesday, which was a LGBT+ magazine programme about gay – and sometimes trans – news. Ha! I think I got most of my ‘safe sex’ education from that show and it certainly helped me understand the need for queer rights. See also Saturday Night Live for it’s counterculture against Thatch.
From a music point of view, I seemed to flip between the high camp and the intensity of power metal or thrash. It was the 80s, so metal was in ascendance – even if the Immoral Minority thought it meant devil worship. Jeez, clowns eh?
As to magazines and other media, we didn’t have a newspaper delivered. Given what the press printed in the 70s & 80s perhaps that was a good thing for a queer kid. My sisters didn’t really do comics and our age gap meant reading stuff was going to be different.
With my Gran visiting a fair bit – ah, there’s a blog post not to be written about the complex relationship between my gran and her adopted daughter, my mum, bless her! 🫂. Magazines would be passed around and very occasionally you’re get a glimpse of queer folk. In the early parts of the 80s, there would be more empathic interviews with gay couples and their push for rights. In the later part of the 80s, trans folk might appear too. Often folk who’s transitioned and them looking for work, or commenting on how they’d found the role of womanhood in a Mam’s World.
I do remember a comic strip about someone called Silly Billy. From what I recall, he was frequently the butt of the joke and yet my memories of him are mostly empathetic or even sadness. As someone who just didn’t “get it” – sports, language, humour, sexuality, etc – there, oddly, was someone else who also didn’t understand. Even if he was supposed to be the idiot, I found myself seen to an extent. Perhaps it was better I moved on to Wizzer & Chips, and later, 2000AD.
Talking of 2000AD, I remember preferring the stories of Judge Anderson, PSI Division; as they tended to lean towards the supernatural, and Anderson – again – was that strong female lead. Yeah, I don’t doubt there were times she’d be drawn via The Male Gaze, but that wasn’t the attraction for me. As a character, she held her own and given the robotic and almost militaristic – if not fascist – nature of the Judges; she was different.
In terms of toys and things, my first love was Lego. That you could build anything – or at least attempt to make anything, was incredible to me. Certainly it encouraged my imagination and when mini-figs arrived, that I guess filled the gap around ‘playing house’. Apparently ‘boys don’t play with dolls’ which is something I heard a few times 🙄
In terms of books, I found reading school stuff tedious. However, give me a Fighting Fantasy novel or the latest Lone Wolf volume, and I’d be absorbed for hours. Of the latter, Lone Wolf was – so I recall – written to be gender neutral. Not in the modern sense, but the protagonist of the 80s ‘choose your own adventure’, Lone Wolf was a survivor and so both boys, girls, and the closeted gender fabulous, could see themselves represented, the writing and artwork made the lead’s gender more your choice. Hmm. I can’t understand why I might feel seen in that writing? 😁
Indeed, role-playing games where an incredible outlet for me as a teen. I think I’ll come back to the comment about the creativity of Lego, but also the fantastic world you could build while playing. That the game was collaborative with friends and not combative, that just added to it. Now, given you could be a human, an elf, a dwarf, and all the rest; that you might also chose to have a female character…. Hello hiding in plain sight, feeling seen, and the validation of being yourself. No wonder RPGs where my main interest as a teen. They were an escape from the Nasty Party, small town bigotry, gender binary shackles (look, I near wrote prison, so sue me 😉), and the pressures of Thoust Must Doeth Well At The School.
Perhaps best not to talk about being neuroqueer in an all boys school during the 80s. Roll for SAN loss, pick up D3 mental health issues, and don’t forget to stamp your Internalised Queerphobia Card on the way out 😁
Wise eyes may notice I’ve not written anything about computing and what that meant. With Dad’s engineering head and Mum’s teacher training, there was the thought that a computer might help with our education.
Looking back, that’s certainly the line that lots of kids told their parents! 😁 But snark aside, having a computer let me create stuff. Not just programming, but as we moved to a PC, the shift from word processing to ‘desktop publishing’, and hard disks (a whole 20 megabytes! 😁), I started to write my own roleplaying game settings.
By this time it was influenced by the Mad Max ‘Earth as ruin’ setting, while a number of city-states where more civilised – well, maybe more resources; the world was harsh. I guess that would fall under grimdark and yes, my queerness did filter through in the more multicultural and genderfluidity of the urban spaces, versus the brutality of the Wildlands between them. Hmm. Shadows of small towns and escaping the the city to be fabulous? What a cliché! 😉
Roll VT Errol – it’s Small Town Boy by Bronski Beat🏳️🌈
Exit small town, hello Nottingham.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. Good luck with the new comment system and shorter posts will appear next week.
L x
PS: If you do comment, please know your post may not appear straight away. So long as it accepts the anti spam check, then you can refresh the page to see your words.
You are legally entitled to your ‘prescription’ details from your opthalmologist. They won’t ask why: then you can either (a) go to another outlet, e.g. Specsavers , in Lynn mode, pick frames to suit like any other woman, order your glasses and return, in Lynn mode, when they’re ready (and watch the confusion when they call out his name from the order) or (b) select frames online and then use your prescription details for the order. There is a snag with (b) as certain values in the prescription may not be available that way. My right eye prevents me using option (b).
Talk about it at ‘Chams?
Hi Val 👋 Oddly enough, my opthalmologist gave me my eye details as I went. I’ll check them, so thanks for the suggestion.
Could do with a chat at Chams, as I’ve got some leave to take and fancy a day out?
I did tentatively ask about a second pair of basic no frills glasses (the lens options and treatments are a large part of pushes a £69 pair of glasses into the £150-£200 bracket) with female frames when I had my last eye test at Specsavers.
There used to be an online app where you upload a photo and see what you looked like with different frames but I can no longer find it.
As for early signs of being different in the 70s and 80s, one might be how long you lingered in the ladieswear and lingerie sections of your mother’s mail order catalogues. As you say, there were few aspirational role models on TV or film. Some OTT glam from Danny La Rue, or the dancers on variety shows like Morecambe and Wise or Saturday Night at the Palladium. (We will cast a discreet veil over someof the more risible outfits for Pans’ People). Trans/TV characters in dramas were either victims or villains, and nearly always broke character at the end by removing/losing the wig to break the illusion.
As a nerdy teenager I gravitated to reading sci fi, just at the time the New Wave set about breaking all the tradional taboos on sex and sexuality. Here were stories where sex and gender were a matter of choice, or could be changed as easily as clothes.
Thanks Susie and yes, the components on glasses soon add up don’t they. I nearly had to have a sit down when they told me the full price of two pairs and new frames. 😁 I guess it’s easy to lose track of such costs, when it’s a rare outlay.
I’ll have a look for a site and/or advice on frame choices. Give my Joe Dredd profile, I’ve read that a cateye style can help. I guess we’ll see. I have noticed that glasses seem to hide my eyeshadow and emphasise my under eye – that needs to be the other way around. I’d make a Dennis Taylor joke but it might be too old a reference! 😉
Ah, 70s/80s. Yes, I’d forgotten the waiting in department stores while my sister found more things she didn’t like, bless her 😁 My eye did stay on clothing I’d have preferred. I remember seeing a day of false nails in one of the old Co-op department stores. I guess the ‘what might be’ if I had some, rather than the plain and short ones I had at the time.
That and the wig shop in West End Arcade. That was a regular shortcut from Co-op House and down to Market Square, so a trip to Nottingham as a kid meant a frequent walk by. I think I’ve a photo of the now empty spot. Times change. I think I must have played the ‘but what if…?’ game in my head; wondering what a feminine hair style would look on me.
As to villain or victim – IMO that’s a very good summary of most trans* characters in the media of that time. If you can chance to watch the Disclosure documentary, that goes through the arc of such things.
2000AD! That takes me back. So many good stories in there. I remember I cut out and taped the Burger Wars strips to my bedroom wall, it was such good artwork. Many years later I learned the hard way that I’d ruined some serious collectors items in my youthful innocence…
As for glasses, I discovered by accident how they change the look of your face and I wear them as part of my style. I get varifocals from the optician now, but before that I used ‘ready readers’ from Boots (other high street retailers are available…) so was able to try out different designs until I found a frame style that seems to work for me. With two pairs I had low magnification ones for walking around in, and higher strength ones for reading. But once I’d settled on a frame shape I took that to the optician so they could use something similar for the varifocals.
Ah, if only we’d had 20/20 hindsight to keep the treasures of the future eh? 😉 But maybe some things are meant to be enjoyed at the time. I do remember a fair chunk of satire in 2000AD. Some of it cheeky, some of it quite sharp social commentary. I really enjoyed seeing the artists and writers branch out, taking their craft to be places. Alan Moore, John Wagner, Steve Dillon, Pat Mills, etc.
I think there’s a good documentary on 2000AD on-line if you can find it. That covers how the creative folk were treated (not great), but also what was going on in the world at the time of creating the settings.
Oh and this: “…With the 50th anniversary of 2000 AD and Judge Dredd fast approaching in February 2027..”. Still waiting on Carl Urban to front a Dredd TV series 😉 Mind you, I think we’re due a CGI animation of Rogue Trooper and there’s quite a cast involved in that.
Ooo, good shout on the Readers option. That might be a great starting point. TY! 🙏
Glad to hear your young padawan is finding his feet at uni. I’m sure he’ll thrive 🙂
Don’t beat yourself up about not broaching the subject of wanting a fem pair of spex – we’ve all been there. Good advice from previous correspondents, or you could consider unisex frames which many spec firms offer. Unisex ones save me money and time as I don’t need to switch. I find very fine or ‘frameless’ glasses work best for me, but experiment for yourself, online if you can as sales and time pressures at the opticians are not ideal for making important decisions.
I endorse Carla’s blog, too. She also has a YouTube channel where she also discusses trans related topics. You may recall the Our Different Journey project you initiated in 2013 and the presentation of similar issues then. Most of us could say a lot on the subject of childhood awareness. But I’ll just leave you with the weird image of me playing with toy soldiers whilst wearing a frock. Hey, if you have more then one hobby but limited time, why not combine the two? Seemed legit to me!
Sue xx
No longer a youngling, Sue, but so it goes ♥️ They’ve found an extra course they’re interested in, and also a new creative hobby. Two good things, IMO. Early days and hopefully steady ones.
Thanks for the suggestion about frameless or (and/or?) unisex. I’ll check those out when I can.
I’ve not looked at Our Different Journey for ages. I’ll see if there’s content lurking in draft. I’ve lost touch with some of the folk who where interviewed, so I guess there’s privacy concerns.
As to the toy soldiers: “Right. Listen to, squad. You’re to maintain cover and avoid any direct conflict. You have your list of objectives, the map, and have been assigned into sub units for your own protection and safety. Remember: leave no one behind, it’s only a bargain if you need it, and the summer sale is a killer. Let’s move out!” 😁
In the past I got by with a cheap pupillary distance ruler off Amazon and ordered cheap ones online.
The PD was the only measurement not normally provided by the optician.
I believe I used : https://www.speckyfoureyes.com for at least one pair, can’t remember the other one I used. They had deals sub £30 !
By luck the frames seemed to fit over my ears OK, but I guess it’s possible they might need adjusting if going down that route.
I did buy a pair in person very close to going full time, I just told the guy I wanted to look at the unisex ones 🙂
Hope you get sorted xx
Ooo, not heard of a PDR, Izzy. Every day’s a school day! 🙂 Thanks for the suggestion and I’ll see what I can find.
I hope you’re settled in to your new place, BTW 🫂
Thank you Lynn, and thanks to Carla, for their ‘origins’ blogs. I am sure many of us have retraced our lives and wondered where, what signs or influences or maybe if it meant something else. If that makes limited sense, you’ll appreciate the confusion, as it is at times a bewildering exploration.
Those of us who were young in the 1980s recall the culture around us. If I’d heard of trans, even if I’d grasped that that might be me, I would have recoiled for safety reasons. It could be seen as keeping her safe, as one idea suggested, until it was time, maybe once you started to understand, or the culture changed.
As for spectacles, I researched online, measured the ear/eye distances and found a pair for him, a pair for me. He went into a well-known chain and gave the details. When the assistant went to the wrong area to look for the cat’s whisker glasses, there followed a deep breath and the words no, I am on the transgender spectrum and I am buying my first pair of women’s glasses. I also gave the assistant the opportunity to back out, but she didn’t. When I went to buy the completed frames, I was shaking with nerves because it was such an important day.
It does not matter that they are charcoal frames so might pass as unisex, I know the fixture from where they came said womens. I also remember how I felt buying them. It’s rather like a tshirt that looks nothing different from the outside, the label ‘UK 16’ says this is special. Small steps, but vital ones.
Thank you for reading.
A shout out to Carla indeed, Penny. This post wouldn’t be here without her original one.
I guess I’ve tried to approach the answers from a ‘what did I play with, read, or was interested in’ point of view. I don’t think I was influenced into being trans* – in fact, the Section 28 BS, cishet culture, and all the rest was very much not encouraging me to be different, but to conform.
Yet, as with the interests, what I was, was always there. I guess it just wasn’t safe to be me back then
Well done getting the glasses! That’s amazing and brave.