Script: Testing times

A number of mostly middle-aged women wait outside a meeting room. Inside, two people can be seen moving tables and chairs around.

Karen: Oh, sorry I’m late everyone. Couldn’t park. Oh, what’s that on the door?

Jenny: Hi Karen. We’ve not started yet, so you’re not late. Oh, that thing on the wall? It’s a Legitimiser.

Karen: A what?

Sarah: Hi Karen. I think it’s a… smartlock? A new thing that cheeks if you are allowed to enter the office spaces.

Jenny: Apparently it keeps folk out who aren’t known to it. That and it’s linked to a camera and alarm system.

Karen: Alarms and cameras? Good, no more riffraff spoiling things for us proper locals! I had to shoo two people out who’d stopped to eat their lunch, a good ten minutes after their booking ended.

Betty: I think it was more about personal safety and –

Karen: Tsk! I hope it checks if they’ve washed their hands as well.

Betty: If you say so. Okay, I guess we better give it a go. What do I do, Jenny?

Jenny: Just pop your hand on the scanner and give it a mo. It’ll go green and the door will open.

Betty: Ooo, I think it’s doing something. Ah, doors open!

Karen: Who is that man in the room?

Jenny: Possibly fixing something or maybe a new member?

Karen: Well, they can’t be. A member, that is. Village Circle is strictly women only. I’ll show them out!

Sarah: You’ll have to sign in first. We don’t want to set the alarms off.

Karen: Too right! I will get rid of them. Hang on. What’s this red light mean? Stupid machine!

Jenny: That’s unusual. It was fine for Sarah and I earlier. Betty seems fine too.

Karen: It’s clearly broken. Gah! The door won’t open. Betty! BETTY! Open the door!

Sarah: She can’t hear you.

Karen: BETTY!!

Jenny: Karen, please don’t bang on the door. The maglock is active, so no point pulling it either.

Sarah: I’ll try. Maybe the machine is on the blink. Oh, green light. I better go –

Karen: Let me in! Enough of this!

Jenny: You can’t go in. If the Legitimiser says no, it’s against the room hire regulations! That would set the alarm off. You said yourself at the last meeting, we had to follow the rules.

Karen: Yes, but… Look it must be broken. Hang on. Who’s this coming out?

John: Evening, Jenny, Karen, Sarah. Are you not joining us? I bought biscuits.

Sarah: Sorry. Slight issues with the machine. It won’t recognise Karen. I’ll just get the kettle going.

Karen: You shouldn’t be here, Jonathan.

John: I’m sorry, Karen. Why not? I live in the village and I’ve paid my membership.

Karen: This, is Village Circle, and it’s strictly women only.

Jenny: About that…

Karen: Oh, don’t tell me John has found he’s a women trapped in a man’s body. I’ve said before you cannot change your biological sex. It’s immutable!

John: Yeah, well, umm, when the owners asked me to fit the machine, you were away, so I asked Jen what the machine’s rules should be…

Karen: So?

Jenny: I looked at the Circle’s minutes and your strict instructions, Karen. It’s set to genetic women only.

Karen: Well you’ve obviously done it wrong, John!

John: I thought that, but after fitting it and it let me in, I thought I’d have some tests done. Funny thing is, apparently my genetics are female. It’s mad isn’t it.

Jenny: So, John’s joined our group. I thought that was fair. It’s following the rules.

Karen: But that’s… that’s nonsense. He’s got three children… and a.. penis!

John: Please don’t yell that. You’ll embarrass Betty.

Karen: She should man up. It’s true! Now, I for one –

Jenny: The machine is working for us. Do you think you should have a test, Karen? So we can prove the unit is duff.

Karen: I am a woman! I have two children – of my own – that I birthed. A lawyer and an architect! Both graduated with firsts you know.

Jenny: That may well be true –

Karen: May?! How dare you!

Jenny: – and, if like John, genetically you’re one, but here and now, you’re as you look. Well, you said yourself that only genetic women are allowed in.

Karen: Can’t we make an exception….?

Jenny: Why? I mean, yes, I have known you since I moved here and I remember looking after Mike –

Karen: Michael.

Jenny: – during preschool. Yet, you ruled against Jill joining us.

Karen: That’s different. She used to be a man!

John: Please don’t yell that. It’s not very kind. Jill’s been Jill for all these decades she’s lived here.

Karen: Whatever! She is not coming in.

Jenny: I’m sorry you feel that way. Is there anything you’d like me to raise during the meeting about it?

Karen: I’m sorry. What?

Jenny: We can’t have the meeting out here.

John: Well, we have been stood here gassing. Looks like the rest are just setting up. I’ll see you inside. Ladies.

Jenny: I’ll fill you in when we’re done. Text me if you want anything, Karen.

Karen watches the group from outside. After a time, she walks back towards her car. Jill is sat on a bench with a whippet by her feet.

Jill: Hi Karen. Are, are you okay, my dear?

Karen: I am… I’m not, no. I am so angry with that bloody machine! I.. I *sob*

Jill: Take a seat, Kaz. Here, this tissue’s clean. Just don’t let Petal near it. She does love to rip them up.

Karen: Thank you, Jill. I’ve… I’ve been excluded from the group. It was so humiliating.

Jill: Yes, I can see how that might feel. Toffee?

Karen: I mean… Rules are there to protect us. They’re simple and easy to follow.

Jill: And yet, life – and people – are not so black and white sometimes.

Karen: I don’t understand. I mean, men are men and women are women. How can Johnathan be genetically female?

Jill: That’s science for you. Always finding out new things. Why? Oh, a quirk of the genetic lottery. Nature is certainly diverse.

Karen: If you say so. Mmm. Bonfire toffee. This takes me back.

Jill: They’re all toffees in this box, just different flavours. So it seems with us people; genetics are complex and diverse. Biology isn’t destiny and some of us reflect that.

Karen: I didn’t and I’m not sure all of it is natural. Umm, no offence.

Jill: My sister had IVF. Is that natural? You wear glasses and your husband has a pacemaker fitted. Betty has had both knees replaced. Natural is a funny word isn’t it?

Karen: That’s not the same, though is it.

Jill: I would say it depends how you choose to look at it. Me, I know you think of me a certain way –

Karen: I do not!

Jill: I know you know I have a prostate and that means I’m either intersex or I transitioned. Yet, how I look, how I live, how I am; it seems most folk accept and let me be.

Karen: So, genetically, you and I are the same? We are male? But I don’t feel like a man. I don’t look like one and my body is female.

Jill rubs Petal's ears and there's a pause in the conversation.

Karen: Oh.

Jill: I didn’t feel like a man either. Just as you don’t. Are we the same? No, unless you’re my long lost twin.

Karen: Ha ha! If we are, you didn’t get my footballer’s knees.

Jill: And you didn’t get my ears.

Karen: I’ve never noticed. Hence the long bob?

Jill: Yeah, or they might flap in the wind and rattle my earrings!

Karen: Ha ha! Stop it, you’ll make me snort again.

Jill: It’s good to laugh, though.

Karen: It is, you’re right. Umm. Thank you for listening. I think I’ve got some things to think about.

Jill: See you later, Kaz. Take a toffee for Barry and give him my best. Come on, Petal. We’ve had a break, time for the return loop.

Time passes and the meeting has finished. Betty and John are tidying up.

John: Thanks for letting me in, Betty. It’s been really interesting to hear your, Jenny’s, and Sarah’s suggestions.

Betty: Saul Goodman, as my dear wife likes to say!

John: You two and your crime dramas! If there’s ever someone bumped off, I’ll know who to ask to investigate – and who to suspect!

Betty: It’s okay, pet. You’re not on my list. Mind you, talking of dramas, when can you change the lock, so I can have my heart rate monitor back? I think I’ve got Karen to have a rethink.