Hi,
It’s Friday and I’ve had the day off. I think there’s a lot to be said about a four day week (but five days pay). Indeed, another research study has shown some very positive results. Not just for the employee, but the productivity (and morale) gains for the organisation. I guess one can dream right? No news yet on my application to drop my hours, as it seems to be working through the system.
Puzzling skies
This week has been a bit of a mixed bag. Dark clouds gathered – and not in a cool sword raising I have the powwwwer! kinda way. 😁 Mind you, must be a right pain finding clothes to fit that ripped frame. No wonder he’s in fuzzy pants most of the time…. “Oi! Put a cloak on. You’ll catch your death dressed like that”😋 Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft a high heel and said… By the power of Trans skills! 🪄
Where was I? Oh yes, metaphorical dark clouds. I have been attempting mindfulness exercises and keeping up with the usual mood boosters – light exercise, walking in the woods, time with the Ever Lovely Mrs J, etc. Yet, something I can’t quite put my finger on remains.
I’m struggling to write this – for want on not wanting to sound like a fool – but I wonder if loneliness is part of the puzzle? Thursdays out do recharge me and if I think on that, it’s a mix of feeling like I’m giving something back (I cringe slightly at claiming that), and a sense of belonging. Possibly a dash of validation from acceptance of the others.
So increasing the number of Thursdays, so to speak, doesn’t feel like an option. I’m thinking on how to try and reach those feelings on other days. Suggestions – particularly polite ones 😉 – welcome.
Chams
I headed off early with a bag fatter than a kleptocrat’s wallet. This is usually a strong sign that I’ve not got a Scooby* on what I’m doing (* Scooby Doo – clue ). Indeed, the lack of clue continued given everything except the emergency dress didn’t work. 🙄
Both bodysuits will need to go back as they didn’t work with my bra (I wouldn’t say that was particularly big) and the old school red top didn’t quite work with either skirt I had taken. Or, more accurately, I wasn’t feeling it, given I’d worn said combo in the past.
Ann popped in to say hello and said the dress I’d settled on was pretty, bless her. As she got the tea on, I continued to make a right mess of my makeup. Cue removal and reapplication of eyebrow powder and the ‘dewrecking’ of my under eye concealer. My luck continued as Val popped in (looking glam) and I was struggling to get my lip liner right.
A deep steadying breath was required and remembering that sometimes, things go wrong and that’s okay. The important bit is what happens next.
Breathe… remove lip pencil, fix foundation, and do what you can with what you have.
Changing room faffing aside, the evening was slightly quieter than usual due to a smaller turnout. So it goes from week to week and this is fine. I guess it makes each meeting different. Not just by who attends, but the numbers affect the dynamic and conversation patterns too.
Ooo, get her with the dynamic being affected! 😉
*ahem*
Briana
The following section may be upsetting for some readers, so I’ve made the section hidden until you click it.
Sensitive content
Having been unaware of and unable to attend any of the vigils, I felt it was important to try and do something. Something other than just giving to Briana’s GoFundMe and Mermaids.
Earlier in the week, I’d posted on the forum to check if the group were okay with this and their was a resounding yes from a number of folk, bless them 💜 If you’re reading this and thinking ‘but why not?’ I would say – and with kindness – that for some people, the death of a loved one may be too close to home. Hence, giving folk a choice.
So, on a cold February evening, a group of us stood outside the Centre and held a minute’s silence for Brianna. We had penned private notes earlier, popping the pink PostIts into in a fireproof tin. The point of the notes was to give people both privacy and an opportunity to record their thoughts. The point of the tin was to keep those notes private and, to an extent, give some ritual to the event itself.
I can’t quite remember what I said; something brief as I wanted the moment to be about Brianna and the thoughts of the group.
We stood and thought. The flames flickered, paper turned to smoke and all was gone on the chill of the wind.
AI
No, I’ve not switched over to having ChatGPT write this. You can that because of the overuse of emojis, asides, and Dad jokes that litter my posts 😁
Stanna – of Femulate fame – shared a link to a website that offers AI gender swap image manipulation. I have shied away from such wizardry in the past. Partly as I didn’t want to sign up to another messaging or social media app (Psst: do look into Signal if you want to leave the ZuckerBorg). Another part of me was thinking: what if said image pushes my buttons or hits the dysphoria jackpot?
Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. 😉
The left-hand image is Yours Truly unedited. If I remember correctly, from a rather nice day out with Val and we’d stopped for a cup of tea. Ah, happy memories.
The centre image is the female version of that image and the right-hand one is what the software thinks I look like in bloke mode. Not quite, I’m much more rough looking without my slap on 😁
Whatever you’re up to, good luck and I hope it goes well.
Stay safe,
L x
Two returnees and two new faces at Chams is good news. Perhaps word is getting around about the quality of biscuits and cake on offer at the meetings.
Yes, the old ‘I don’t know what I want so I’ll take everything’ problem. We’ve all done that I suspect and pack for a week rather than an evening. Biblioholics know this too: the book I’m currently reading, and another in case I finish it early, and another in case that other one doesn’t grab me. Very much like shoes in fact. (Or wigs). In the end you go from a small overnight bag to a suitcase.
Of course I had to try that AI makeover link, including the flip back from m to f to m again (and, indeed, vice versa) before I hit the free trial limit. Interesting that in all cases it made my face look rounder (and consequently softer)
We do need new folk to come along, as if we didn’t, the group would’ve dwindled away years ago. I guess like any organisation, there’s those that come to try things out, irregular regulars (as one of our number one said), regulars, and the hardcore attendees. I guess I’m lucky in that my work doesn’t mess with Thursdays, but not everyone has that.
Perhaps for trans folks, shoes divas, and bibliophiles, there should be specially designed luggage. Oh, and an increased space allocation for travel. 🙂
Do you fancy sharing your AI makeover? I’m conscious I’m behind on my email, but it’s the weekend now. As to the results, I think the software picked up on my thin lips, changed my eye & brow shape, plus rounded out my snowplough jaw.
Oops. Forgot the biscuits last time! Oh the humanity! 😉 Izzy often obliges with Jaffa Cakes and I think Joanna brought hot chocolate and marshmallows. You’ve got me thinking about getting some wrapped biccies so they don’t go soft between meetings.
Well I must say you have yet to appear from the magical room of change looking less than lovely – but I guess we are all our own worst critic. I skip complex eyeliner to ensure I get out of the house on time most Thursdays.
It was nice to see some new people, I think we might well have a very busy one soon if the planets align and all the regulars turn up too. I do have more boxes of Jaffa cakes to bring, my friend got me 10 of them for xmas !
Really liked the post-it note plan, a good way to get people more focused on the reason for doing it.
Thankyou for doing so.
I’ve tried the gender changing app’s on my phone – FaceApp, it didn’t seem massively off what I could achieve with makeup, but wish I could achieve it’s transformation speed 🙂
That’s ace! If I may “the magical room of change” may become the new term – and label – for said space! 🙂
It’s really kind of you to say, Izzy. I guess the fifteen minutes of faffing and fussing are tied up with my… gah… emotional state. On good days, I can think of what I want, pop it in the bag, and I’m pretty much good to go. Days that could be better, well, nothing seems to fit or doesn’t feel right on. It’s that unpleasant mix of dysphoria and mood crash that seems to drive this feelings. I guess they will clear in time.
Good to hear the PostIt approach worked for you. I hoped that it gave people both a choice to write something and the space to do so without pressure of having to speak up.
Yes, if everyone turns up, we may be breaking out the extra chairs and running two kettles. Still, it’s good to see folk either way. Maybe as the weather improves, we could venture outside a little. Well, at least until temperatures get unpleasant! Best get the Jaffa Cakes on ice! 😁
Yes, to be able to transform oneself as quickly would be useful. Even if that meant missing the ritual of getting your face on. Perhaps you’ve been blessed by the gender faeries if there’s not much different between your before and after. 🪄
Is there enough budget for a sign for the door ? 😂
Hope they do clear, or at least the amplitude of the sine wave reduces somewhat.
An outside venture sounds like a great idea, perhaps a picnic supper fuddle thing on the field might work for people.
😁 It’ll be touch and go on the budget, but maybe we can borrow some crayons and find some A5. 😉
Some shift in said waves would be good. 🤞
When the warmth of Spring arrives – and March’s arctic blasts have blown out – I think an outside do might be just the ticket. Is it too early in the year or too late in the evening for scones and tea?
The only thing better than a four day week is a three day week.
And the only thing better than that …. etc. 😉
The need to be She-Ra rather than He-Man affects us all in different ways. For me it’s a daily transmute, for others weekly, and still others only occasionally. How to get the Power is really up to each individual. If weekly Chams isn’t an option and time is an issue then maybe Albert Glamstein’s Theory of Transformational Ethics suggests time and space are interchangeable so the lack of one requires the expansion of the other to achieve maximal transformative energy. All real men have a Man Cave; this is well known. Trans women may need a Glam Cave into which they can disappear and transform whilst still devoting time to work, eating, blogging, etc. Do you have a shed, attic, walk-in wardrobe, mutidimensional transporter pod, etc that enables you to be at home yet be fem?
As for company, we all need it, but world society is still in residual pandemic mode when normal socialising is only just re-emerging from the morass of online life. I think we’ll be back to normal events and socialising soon.
Sue x
“…affects us all in different ways…”
Very true. I remember a chat with Val who said – and I paraphrase – ‘only at Chams wouldn’t be enough’. While the balance around more/less time in Lynn mode changes, I do think the feelings of being stuck may not help.
I think Glamstein’s Theory of Dressivity may mean making use of the gaps. I have available. We shall see.
I hope you find some solution. Inner trans peace is the game.
I forgot to say (why d’you write such a long post, eh?) that your outfit is cute and fem as always.
And that I thought about Stana’s feminising app but feel that it would make my dysphoria explode just at the moment! It’s pretty remarkable software, I have to say and your results are pretty amazing!
Sue x
Yes, some inner peace would be good and certainly something to try to find.
“…why d’you write such a long post, eh?”
Sometimes there’s a lot to cover. Plus, I’m reminded of Mr Twain’s wise words: I didn’t have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one. 😁 But thank you for the kind comment, Sue. 💜
I (think I) completely get your thoughts on not using such apps. I held off for many years for similar reasons. As much as we joke about “you can’t unsee certain things” or “pass the mind bleach”, that’s the rub in the joke – we are stuck with knowing. Perhaps, as the old saying goes, ignorance is bliss, so not looking is, ironically, the wiser choice.
Well, the photo of you here, from Chams, looks lovely. I did try the software for a bit and was struck by how little changed and how not me the male version looked. That said… I have no idea how male mode would look these days so… maybe they’re right. I did not download any images. I can relate to the sudden hit of joy when seeing what AI does to feminise one’s images though!!
Anyway, yes, the sword of secrets (secret of the sword – what was the name of the sword anyway?) always imbues its user with the power they require when it is asked – whether or not the wielder acknowledges the power (I think there was an episode about this, sounds like a He-Man moral anyway) – much like the magical room of change.
And that’s about as philosophical as I can manage after several early shifts…
Thank you, Joanna. I think the key things with a good photo are take them at a distance*, use old hardware to ensure low resolution, and do shrink them before uploading 😉
( * The further away I am, the better I look 😁 ).
“…I did try the software for a bit and was struck by how little changed…”
You’re clearly doing something right then! 🙂 Too early to say ‘hashtag transition goals’? 🙂
Not sure about the sword’s name: my 80s geek powers must be waining. Fairly sure the Netflix reboot doesn’t mention it. 🤔
Might it be ‘Bob’? Except on Thursdays. Obvs 😉