Hi,
Is anyone feeling Christmasy yet? I don’t want to come across as Old Scrooge – or perhaps the Grinch, to US readers – but so far, the Xmas Magic has yet to arrive at Chez Jones. I hope getting the decorations up will help a little. Mind you, I’m looking forward to see our family come together. Other than that, we’re taking it pretty easy this year. What about you?
A look back
This won’t be the Look Back posts that I did during the lockdowns. However, while putting together last month’s anniversary post, it was – as per – some time after clicking publish, that I remembered I’d not included a certain photo. Well, possibly more: it depends if I can find them 😉
Getting home
Back in the early days of going to Chams, the children – actually, our only child at that time – was safely tucked up and fast asleep when I got home. I had the luxury of giving Wee Man a bedtime story, putting him to bed, and as he settled, getting changed to go out. Given that, I would guess that this is from around the mid 2000s, given Wee Man was a toddler back then, and Child 2.0 had yet to arrive.
This photo isn’t of something I wore on the night, I think. Instead, it’s me trying out a shirt and a skirt without my usual goto of black opaques. Back then I still had Wookie pins, and for obvious reasons, I feel glad to be rid of that hair.
I guess the reason this image feels important is that it’s quite…. daytime, I guess. Everyday, almost. Okay, the heels are a bit killer, and you’d want something a bit lower if you were walking about a lot at work.
I suppose it feels like I could’ve come from the office, having been working away, dressed as I feel I am inside. That and the photo felt like the first time I’d caught a glimpse of ‘what might be’. Not in terms of transition, but in terms of accepting how I looked, and feeling like my hopes had been reached.
Photoshoot
According to the post this is from 2009 and I think it’s the only photoshoot I’ve ever had! I know, I’ll have to hand in my Trans Mafia card for failing to achieve clichés in a built-up area 😉
From what I remember, Tracey & Sandi had worked with a local photographer, Debbie, to pop along. Deb came along with quite the array of equipment: a backdrop, one of those umbrella things, various expensive looking cameras, etc.
From what I remember, she was charging a fair amount for – I dunno, two dozen or more? photos that she would improve and pop on to a CD for you. Yes, CDRs! That’s a while ago isn’t it! 🙂
A number of the group took her up on her offer and that was that. However, I’d not brought any extra cash with me and I’m fairly certain this was before the time of eBank transfers or tap-the-card-on-the-smartphone gubbins.
But as everyone had finished, I thought I’d ask if I could give what I had, and would that be enough. Debbie was kind enough to say yes, so I had less snaps for less pennies. Still, a sale is a sale, right?
I had no idea how to stand, look, or what to do with my arms; but Debbie was patient and told me what to do. Indeed, there are times when I’m taking photos for others, that I remember her kindness, and try to offer the same thing for others if they’d like it.
Not just right: correct
This might be from around 2019 or so, possibly earlier. What I do know is the photo is one of those ‘content moments’. A time in which I am okay – nay, content even happy.
I’d had various wigs over the years, and I find it really hard to find something that not only works, but that ‘feels like me’.
This one was one Nicola – now Wigeroo – had picked out and I remember Steph helping me put it on, and styling it to suit. I should add that this was sometime before this photo was taken.
Do you ever have those moments when something you have on is just right? Not just okay, but it feels correct: like that’s how things should be.
Getting that wig – which I still have years later in the cupboard – was one of those moments. The colours, the length, the cut: I felt – and still feel – so comfortable in it. Indeed it was a bit of a curse as when you have something that ‘is so you’, finding the replacement is a lot harder! 🙃
As to this particular image, I forget what was happening on the night, but Val has managed to capture me with a warm smile, and I actually have cheekbones in this snap.
Signing off
I used to think – of my own photos – that they were….. a bit egotistic or vain, even. But I think that was the internal negative self-talk going on. Instead, as with family photos and images taken for folk at Chams, the images are a way to remember the moment. To help you look back when the memory doesn’t come so quickly, and it helps remind me that there are good times: even, many good times, that that’s something to keep.
L x
Lynn, I’m right there with you on the Christmas thing. We put up the tree with the kids and I tried so hard to get into the mood, but my head just wasn’t in it this year either.
Reading your bit about those older photos made me think of a few from my own “crossdressing” days. Nothing fancy, but they hold that same weird mix of recognition and nostalgia you described.
And that photoshoot story… I’ve never had one, but now I really want to. Maybe someday.
Re Xmas, I think for us at Jones Towers, it’s more about the people and meeting up, than decorations. There is – to use a phrase by the Ever Lovely Mrs J – “enough going on at the moment”, in which Does This Really Need to be Done Now? tasks get left for another day. Sure, the house is clean, we’re fed, dogs walked, and Granny J is looked after. Perhaps it’s focusing on the priorities that’s the thing at the mo.
We had our first mince pies of the year last night, but that’s as far as it goes. I keep looking at the racks of Xmas jumpers but what I’m really looking for is one emblazoned with ‘Bah Humbug” or even better “Stuff this for a lark. I’m staying in bed”.
And, by careful holiday planning, I have managed to avoid both the works Christmas dinner and the department Xmas team-building day. I count that as a double win.
That’s an interesting set of photos and stories that go with them . After all, that’s part of why we all take photos in the first place. To remind us or who we were and how we felt. And maybe to remind us how far we’ve come (or fallen).
I love the photo attached to ‘Not Just right: correct’. Not just the hair (which is fab and really suits you) or the choice of outfit/top (ditto) but above all your expression which really does say ‘this is me as I’ve always wanted to see me’. It’s something we all hope for
Top marks on dodging the yearly Prescribed Work Socialisation, Susie. I hope you enjoy the time off.
A bit moot now, but I did consider buying a Metal themed Christmas jumper. The Fairisle patterned Slipknot one looked rather good 🙂
I’m with you on your comments around why we take photos: history, changes, hopes even.
Photos! Just imagine what it would be like if you still had to take a roll of film to the chemist…not knowing what you would look like until they’re developed and then having to face that stern lady behind the counter who remembered you from school?
Sometimes the rate of change in technology is alarming, but I am truly thankful that every time female me emerges, I can take dozens of photos on a smartphone at home first. It’s helped me develop my appearance and gain the confidence to get out as my preferred version whenever I can.
And thanks to good people like you publishing your thoughts and images like this, I know I’m not alone.
Hi Hue. Ah, that two week wait for the holiday snaps to come back. Looking at the ones that didn’t quite ‘capture the moment’. Redeye, missing heads, too much or too little flash, to folk not looking, etc. A different world to where we are now!
I think you’re right in that you can use a smartphone to check your outfit and compare & contrast. I think I started to do that when trying new wigs. I found it difficult to picture how the previous ones looked.
As to not alone: that’s why I started YATGB; to hear from others, to share this, and hear what they’ve got to say too.
Ah, as the year draws to a close, it’s a time for nostalgia. And with the winter olympics coming up, too, I can’t help recalling the heady days when I won silver for curling and bronze for the bob.
And yet the title of Hairdresser of the Year always eluded me.
Looking back at our progress and seeing how we developed through old photos is usually part nostalgia, part contentment, part cringe and part sense of quiet success. Those moments and those items that suddenly say, This Is Me, this really works, this validates me, are so important. Good to see your big moments.
Now, as regards your secretarial duties today, Miss Jones, the photocopier’s jammed again, the phones are down and there are 243 unopened emails to deal with, but before you sort out all that lot could you pop down to Marks and get a big box of mince pies so we can all get into the Christmas spirit …
Have a nice weekend.
Sue xx
(Dah-dum tish) 😁 But then, nostalgia’s not what it used to be, is it? 🙃
I picked out this lot of photos because I had overlooked them last time. Once I found them, the memories – or at least what I thought happened – started to come back.
I think it was Mick Jones of The Clash who said you need to be careful with nostalgia. That, in his view, it’s like a warm treacle that you can get stuck in; which stops you from new things.
I think with his words and looking at my post, it’s an acknowledgement of what came before and the contentment – maybe even self-cceptance? – that was felt at the time. I don’t look back and wish I was there again. I look back and think those are good times, and I hope there will be more to come.
“Here’s the pies, Mr Shank. Yes, no need to wait for the others, just cram one in. Now, while you enjoy…. your third… the copier has been fixed, the emails dealt with, and the phones are back on. The only thing you need to do now, sir, is release the Xmas bonuses, give everyone a pair week off…. then I’ll let you have the antidote.” 😁
re xmas thng
BAR HUMBUG
Humbug!
Ebeneezer Scrooge or Ebeneezer Goode, though? 😁
Hi Lynn, hope you’re well.
I’m not sure if it’s just me but I do feel that the Xmas Magic wore off years back. I just find Xmas time the worst part of the year nowadays. Always having to avoid the shops for fear of sparkly garments that might just send me into yet another spending frenzy, the lack of warm sunlight and sadness that Xmas has become way too commercialised. I just don’t feel the magic anymore (bah humbug).
I loved hearing about the photo from your early days of going to Chams. It’s such a beautiful moment of self-discovery and acceptance. That “daytime” look sounds so relatable—there’s something special about feeling like your outer self matches your inner self, even in something as simple as a shirt and a skirt. The way you described it, “not in terms of transition, but in terms of accepting how I looked” it really struck me. I think many of us have had that moment, where we catch a glimpse of what could be, and feel like we’re finally aligning with who we really are.
And the photoshoot story! I loved how you described Debbie’s kindness and patience, such a lovely reminder of how important it is to be gentle with ourselves in those moments when we feel uncertain. It’s amazing how a photo can capture a feeling of contentment, and I can totally understand how that particular wig became something special for you. Finding something that feels “just right” is such a rare and wonderful experience.
Thanks for sharing these beautiful reflections. I’m sending lots of good vibes as you continue to find your way through the holiday season. I’m sure the magic will show up in its own time!
Lotte x
Maybe – as with housework, hobbies, employment, etc – most things are fine, until they become a slog. 🤔 I wonder if when Xmas isn’t a chore, and becomes about friends, family, etc; rather than ticking off the shopping, coming, cleaning, etc.
On a more joyful note, thank you for the kind words about the photos. Interesting to hear your views on what chimed, so to speak.