Scene: The Cabal

A dimly lit space in a once posh looking restaurant. A fug of steam hangs in the air. There's a strong and delicious scent of freshly baked bread.

A circular table rests in the centre, while collection of mismatched chairs bump up against it.

Voice 1: Good evening colleagues. Welcome to the quarterly meeting of the Cabal of Chaos. I am Operator X, standing in for Doctor Crash. He sends his best and is recovering from a bad cold. Oh, sorry! I nearly forgot. My preferred pronouns are he/him.

Voice 2: Thank you, Operator and welcome to the Cabal. I am Entity 9. Yes, recently escaped from the Institute’s maximum security unit, CX4. Oh, and my preferred pronouns are they/them or your worshipfullness.

Operator: *coughs* I believe the latter is more a title than a pronoun, Entity? May I call you Entity?

Entity: My sincere apologies, Operator. I had read the pre meeting notes and assumed that “how we prefer to be addressed” included the phrases we wish the subjugated meat sacks – sorry, sorry, humans! – address is as.

Operator: No biggie. Apology accepted and please continue.

Entity: The chair calls Lord of Embers.

Lord of Embers: I thank both chair, umm, sentients for their time in organising this meeting and for selecting the venue as such short notice. May I commit to the record, that we all miss Doctor Crash’s volcanic lair and wish them a speedy recovery. Now, to business. As the shadowy forces helping draw the globe into glorious chaos, our Villains Induction Programme – yes, VIP! – has been a true success. Indeed, I would like to welcome our latest recruit…. Mx Smith.

Mx Smith: Hi. Umm. I’m not sure I’ve got the right room. I, uhh, I’m here for the Draw Your Own Battle Card evening. I thought I had the right room due to the crayons.

Operator: Apologies. Those are left over from the earlier grifter politician workshop.

Embers: Ah cards. Yes, the enslavement of the youth through occult symbolism and instilling the collect em all mentality of rabid consumerism –

Operator: *coughs* Apologies, colleagues. Have the notes mixed up Amazing Games card gaming with the global consumerist delivery company, Amazin’? The newly weds send their regards, by the way.

Entity: Gah, the autocorrect and voice AI system has been most vexing of late. Please, Mx Smith?

Mx: Yeah, so, uhh. I think I’m in the wrong room. I’ll, just go. I mean, I don’t really know if you guys and the masks – which look really cool – I wouldn’t know you either.

A cloak of near pitch darkness forms from the gloom.

Operator: Welcome, Heart of Darkness, terror of the just, punisher of the virtuous, and teller of half-truths.

Heart: Gosh, sorry lovelies. Traffic on the soulway was murder! Ah, just my little joke. I haven’t murdered anyone! Now you, Smith – if that’s even your real name – are here because you’re one of us.

Mx: Umm, I’m sorry but I really feel there’s been some mistake –

Entity: No, we know evil and the potential when we see it.

Embers: Your human governments have made your public enemy. You are banned from their safe spaces because of the danger you pose!

Heart: Like all supervillains you must not be exposed to chemicals or treatments, less you become your true selves!

Operator: Let the record state the lists of crimes Mx and their Trans Mafia have completed! My, it is impressive. Mx, speak as the charges are listed!

Entity: Is it true that through an overindulgence in petrochemicals, you and the Trans Mafia have brought about the near collapse of the ecosystem and destabilised political systems in the pursuit of ever dwindling resources controlled by a web of shell companies and compromised sock puppet cretins?

Mx: No, I’m just a graphic designer. I’ve nothing to do with that. What’s your evidence?

Embers: Okay, evidence. Well played… But! What say you to the reaping of the markets, collapse of the tax system, and the vacuuming up of moneys from the most needy, to a billionaire class?

Smith: I’m sorry. That’s completely unproven.

Heart: Bless my maws and paws, this human is hiding it well. What say you to the pollution of on-line media, where rage farming buys eyeballs and eyes means ads and ads means money? Never mind the collateral damage of hearts, minds, and the environment!

Mx: Okay, okay. I did create some cute AI cat GIFs…

Embers: If they’re really cute, could you post to me personally? Just for evidence of your nefarious deeds, of course.

Heart: So you’re saying you had no part in the anti science protests and weakening of herd immunity, thus bringing back those dear old killers of the young and the old?

Mx: No, in fact I encouraged all my friends to follow the science and not the unqualified talking heads pushing magic woo and snake oil –

Operator: It’s certainly quite the talent to get oil from a snake. Sorry. Was that out loud again? Curse this not so inner monologue!

Embers: Have you or the wider Trans Mafia embarked on a century or more of ‘deprogramming’ to ‘pray away the gay’ – Operator, please don’t giggle when I’m making an accusation.

Operator: I’m sorry, but it was the ‘pray away’ bit that got me. Ah, it would be funny if it wasn’t so horribly cruel to people who exist as Nature created them.

Mx: No, I’m afraid I haven’t been involved in anything like that, and as to the idea of a Trans Mafia, do you think we’d be in this situation of losing rights and lives if there was one?

Embers: Point taken, but that could be a bluff to pretend.

Entity: If not conversion practices, did you implement a government sanctioned policy that forbid teachers to speak about people being gay, bi, or lesbian during the 1980s – wait please! – and later rescind that scientifically baseless moral panic, only to return to it in the mid 20s, now targeting trans people?

Mx: How did you manage all that on one breath? Oh, and no, I did not do any of the above.

Entity: Breathing is for meat sacks. Sorry, colleagues, sorry! I meant biological organisms with oxygen requirements.

Heart: Right. Quick fire round. Weather control?

Mx: No. You’ve been to the UK right?

Embers: Space lasers.

Mx: No. Are you high?

Entity: Erasing humans.

Mx: No. Some of us do join other genders, but we’re not saying anyone has to stop being a man or a woman. That’s nuts.

Embers: Okay, okay. I think I’ve got it. You’re… Witches?

Mx: Anyone can be a pagan, and a witch isn’t a bad person. Well, unless you’re kidnapping children for sinister purposes but that’s myths and legends.

Operator: I’m just glad the Inquisitor here to hear that. You know how guilty he feels about the abuse cover ups.

Mx: But aren’t you, y’know, evil? Don’t you want to do horrible things?

Hearts: We may want world domination, the fealty of humankind, but we have standards! Who do you think brought Political Correctness into the world? That was us! Oh, the feast from the emotional fallout! Delicious tears and false rage of the duplicitous bigots, cheats, and liars. In all my eons, I have never tasted despair so sweet! But do we get any thanks for it? No we bloody well don’t.

Embers: Tax inspectors? Improvisers? Bloggers? Vegans?

Mx: Hang on. Is that just a list of folk you don’t like?

Embers: No comment.

Operator: This is getting us nowhere.

Embers: No, I’ve got it. You’ve used your own wealth to embark on the harassment and vilification of a maligned minority, while pretending to actually be the victim?

Heart: Oh, good call, my first friend. Banged to rights on that.

Mx: I’ve got a hundred and six quid in the bank to last to next week. I draw for a living. I can only dream of having thousands to my name, let alone tens of thousands. Plus, I know what it’s like to go without, to be afraid, to be othered. Why would I do any of that?

Embers: Street juggler?

Operator: Lord of Embers, colleagues; I feel we are either in the company of a sinister agent, whose acting and social charms are so utterly convincing, that we are but dullards and incompetents. Or, Mx Smith is indeed in the wrong room.

Mx: Look, I’m just going to shuffle off this way, okay? I really feel like I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time…. and it looks like I’ve missed the workshop too.

Hearts: Colleagues? If we have nothing on the agenda, may I propose we employ Mx Smith’s true talents, in perhaps a drawing lesson?

Embers: Life drawing?

Operator: Put your cloak back on. We’ve all seen your Hell ripped abs and walnut toned flesh.

Heart: (mutters) show hound.

Entity: Here. I’ve got pens, crayons – a bit melted and nibbled –

Heart: Sorry, I missed second breakfast…

Entity: – card, glue, stickers, and glitter.

Some time later. The table has been partially cleaned. The villains stare menacingly across the divide. Overhead, steam reforms to ice, falling as snow.

Heart: You gonna sit there are chew that crayon or play your hand?

Embers: You asked for it. King, queen, prince and newly shifted brood princess of the Underworld Lizard Empire…. and your attacks are at half strength due to the stench of the Devolved Neckbeard Troglodyte Keyboard Warrior Coven.

Operator: Oh the humanity!

Heart: Well played, well played. I have only Scientific Reason Improves the Climate, Actual Lived Experiences, and….

Operator: There’s no way you can trump Ember’s hand.

Heart: … these cards, A Note From Their Mum and Getting Offline & Enjoying The Countryside.

The villains break into applause.

Mx: I think my work here, is done.

Operator: On behalf of the newly renamed Villain Improvement Programme, please accept our heartfelt thanks. No more lurking in sulphurous subbasements for us! No! Watch out, nerds: Meglodomination Old World Order 3.1 hits the press and 3D printers for braille users. That and as originators, we shall be known across the globe for our made-up majestic maleficence!

Entity: Another hand anyone?

Heart: No thanks. I’m full from the crisps.