Hi,
They other day I was talking to an old acquaintance from Chams (hello Kim! 👋) and we found ourselves bouncing around this comment from Yours Truly: “…There are times when it feels too much to be Richard nearly all of the time. It’s more than ‘dressing up’ which is not a phrase I like or identify with.“
To roll out some sage wisdom from one of the Jones’ kids favourite films:
“Good guess, but actually no.”
The Pirate Captain, The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!
Those familiar with the above, may well have heard Hugh Grant’s beautiful British tones. The rest of you will just have to reread and imagine it. 😉
If you’re pressed for time and lean into TL;DR, “no, it isn’t.” Righto, on with your day. Toodle pip! 😁
Still here?
Okay…. Pull up a chair then.
So, possibly you could argue from a literal sense of the phrase, that I am dressing up. Unless one goes about in the buff – not recommended in this weather nor because of, well, rudery! – aren’t we all dressing up in some way? Game face on and apply the clothes of Who Do I Need To Be Today – parent, employee, etc. But, and as I’ve said before, I’m always me, I just look different some days.
There’s no Lynn or Richard, only Zuul. 🙂
Okay, 80s film references and flippancy aside, there’s only one personality, one person in charge in my head, and I really don’t feel there’s two or people vying for control. So much for the Moon Knight hypothesis! 😉 I might tone down the language on Thursdays and be more okay with touch, but I also watch what I say at work as well or in front of younger listeners too. That’s not a gender thing, that’s just a manners thing, I guess.
Yes, I have two different names, but that’s true to an extent if I narrow things down to my birth gender. I use Richard at work, Dad at home, and sometimes Rich with those I’m very close to. I’ve worked with folk who’ve used their middle name at work and something else outside. Some didn’t like their birth name or they wanted to avoid confusion with others who had the same.
Given that who I am never switches off, I don’t think of what I do as ‘dressing up’. It’s not a performance like an actor or other performer. While the makeup & clothing comes off, the hair and padding go into a box, what’s in my heart and head remain. On good days, I’m comfortable in my skin and okay with my weight, accepting of thinning on top, and fuzzy of limb….
On more difficult days, the dysphoria bites and I feel ogrish, hulking, and a mess. I once listened to a friend who shared how a ‘fat day’ would hammer her day and how she explained it really resonated with me.
So, no. It’s not dressing up. If anything, it’s a chance to express all sides of me. Contrarian that I am, one form is not enough. Instead I need how I look to be inline with how I feel. Just as most of my male friends dig a suit and a tie, and in general, my female friends lean in to pretty, they would likely feel uncomfortable appearing in the opposite for them. As a person riding the gender wrecking ball, feeling stuck depends on which way that giant lump is heading. Gah, and I said I’d not make any more body jokes 😉
So, I guess all you can do is try to find your groove, do the things that work for you, and hang on right….. or seek professional help. I dunno 😁
L x
I know what you mean. My GP asked, when I went in to get a referral, if I felt like a woman or wanted to be a woman. He explained, after I pontificated for a bit that I felt like me and had no basis for comparison, that he needed to write that to be able to make the referral. My point being: there’s no need to excuse feeling like yourself; though society does rather pressure one into trying to justify one’s feelings if they do not match what society deems ‘normative’.
Did you ever interact with Calvin back in the day? He had a whole thing about Calvin/Caitlyn until he came to a similar conclusion – there was only Zuu- I mean, he was always himself (and he liked both sets of pronouns but defaulted to he/him) – but it was a fascinating read. I wish I could remember when. Anyway, yes, good post as ever and ,ost insightful. Thank you. 🙂
Ah yes, normative. I should put an eye rolling emoji here I guess. I think I’ve written before that I’ve often felt like an outsider. Perhaps geekdom – comics, sci-fi & fantasy, metal, gaming, etc – will do that to a person. Or at least, when the mainstream does not dig what you dig.
As to “felt like/ wanted to be”, what an interesting question and answer too. I’ve no idea what a woman might feel – you’d have to ask one! I, as you say, only know how I feel. What I can say is there are times when how I ‘have to appear’ or elements of how my body is, that can be deeply troubling. Too big, too hairy, too – well – male. You’ll notice I’ve not said masculine or macho. I really don’t identify with those, even if others might tag me with them.
Reading that back out might seem it’s about looks, but that’s the trap of language. I think – and the distress (dysphoria?) isn’t string enough to push me to have to make steps to make my body align with my sense of self. I suppose I get by with accepting being ‘somewhere in the middle’ and doing what I can try accept those feelings that I’m not quite in either the make nor the female camp. Hello non-binary and genderfluid 🏳️🌈
The name Calvin doesn’t ring a bell, sorry. Where they on YouTube or a blogger?
He was (is?) a blogger and was in the captioning world. Caitlyn’s Masks is the caption blog and, mid-exploration of potential dual personalities, started a more private personal blog. I guess it was more the Rachel’s Haven/captioning side of things…
And yes, my point in relating the conversation with my GP was to support that whole notion that, well, a lot of the ‘discourse’ about how one presents comes from a place where people don’t really seem to understand that everyone just feels, well, like themselves. I have asked cis women, for many years, about whether they felt ‘like a woman’ and most of them would report that they felt ‘like themselves’ and struggled to define it any other way – or else did so in opposition to what they assumed it was to be a man (which was often in disagreement with the cis men in my life – who also struggled to define what it was to ‘feel like a man’). Thus, I would argue, your body is mostly in step with how you feel – being in neither camp particularly, or rather, being capable of being in all camps at any point in time.
Funnily enough, that ‘feeling like myself’ thing was what I would contrast with the notion of trans women ‘feeling like women’ to convince myself I was not trans back in the day… 🙂
Content warning: Masks is not safe for work. 😨 Do not Google. 😔 Eugh.
Moving on quickly.
In terms of “…mostly in step with how you feel…”, we’re almost full circle and back to the Pirate Captain’s words 😁 Some days it’s okay, but there are a few too many occasions where I see a tired, beardy yet balding man, as an incongruous outer shell that doesn’t fit. On very bad days it’s levels of The Matrix and ‘wait, this is how I am supposed to be?”. It doesn’t match… and I’m struggling for the right words. It’s not image as in some delusion of youth or fitness, but something around the outer shell not matching the internal. I guess the closest I can get is on a Thursday, I’m okay with how I look and even if my makeup isn’t my A Game, I still feel better with it on.
Still, if you want to know how a woman feels, we should ask one. Likewise with a man. I don’t feel (ha!) that in my head I can identify as either. Ask me what it’s like not to fit in 😉
Clothes are important. They are how we signal to the world. In ages past your clothes told everyone about your social status, your nationality, your sex and your job and immediately people adapted their demeanour towards you accordingly, with deference or contempt depending on custom. Now there is a lot less of that sartorial distinction, especially in leisure time, and even the distinction between sexes is way less than it used to be. As a trans person, you don’t ‘dress up’, you dress in a way that signals to the public how you’d prefer to be addressed and treated. You are not acting, you are being authentic and openly honest with the public as well as with yourself. In many ways, when I am forced to dress as a man, that is when I am acting and being fake in order to comply with the law or societal expectations, and it shows in that I am much less content. You keep being happy in those girly duds, hon. Sue x
Thanks Sue. I feel suitably educated following the swish through geopolitical style and elegance! 🪄