Rethink

Hi,

An afternoon nap, a blanket, and a heatpad (warm the person, not the room 🙂) may not solve all ills, but they’re not a had place to start, IMO.

Firstly, a big thank you to those who got in touch, offered to listen, offer their help, or shared their experiences. It all helps, so thank you. ❤️

Conversation

The Ever Lovely Mrs J suggested that there might be an employee assistance programme that could offer help around whatever is bugging me. As usual, Mrs J was well informed and by lucky happenstance, I got an appointment very quickly.

What can I tell you about it? Okay, well the good news is there may be a few ideas to explore that’ll help. We’ll come to those in a bit. Feel free to skip ahead of that’s more your bag 🙂

The other good news is that I’ve not dug myself into a hole through my behaviour. It seems I’m doing a number of things that are helping. That’s not to humble brag, but more to say through luck, listening to others, and enjoying the simple things in life, I’ve built up some patterns of behaviour that are helping me. Long walks in the countryside, taking in the beauty of nature, no unhealthy coping mechanisms, getting a boost from helping others (Chams email and the group), trying the “don’t say it to yourself, if you wouldn’t say it to a friend“, etc.

The above felt… well, bittersweet isn’t quite the right word, but there was an element of “I’m doing all the right things, but why am I still so anxious or upset?” That’s probably a bit of a glass half full view, so instead, I’m taking it as well, it could be worse! 🙂

That brings me round to the Stuff I Could Try Doing ideas. I’ve just self-censored from using ‘should’ in that statement 🙂 Apparently that – the focus on shoulds – is a negative trap (Wait, there’s positive traps? 🤔) as it can drive feelings of having not done something. Then you’re into guilt (no stranger to that one) and feelings of failure.

One idea was about being properly in the moment. Now, if you’re anything like me – and do get professional help, if you are 😉 – that may well be a phrase that’s very familiar. However, as is my tip these days, I stayed curious and asked a few questions. The key part of it is to focus on the activity you’re doing, try to actively engage in it – listen, look, feel, etc – and gently nudge a wandering mind back to the experience at hand. This gives distraction and, apparently, no room for anxious thoughts. Sounds like a plan! 🤞

So, for lunchtime walks with the hounds, I’m not walking quickly to get the job done, but taking a stroll. Giving them extra time to sniff, spend a penny, and it’s now more about the duration, rather than the distance. What I’m getting out of this is enjoying the time outside, letting my mind focus on the outside world, and actively choosing to not think about other stuff. No worrying about the afternoon work or how to solve a particular problem, that can wait until I’m back at the laptop.

Likewise, when having a break, I’m trying to sit down with a hot drink, but look out of the window and not my phone. Feel the warmth of the mug in my hand, the actual taste of the drink, and the view of the garden. Again, taking the choice to disengage from one thing, and focus on another fully.

The above helps and during the session, the therapist explained that our stress can be exacerbated by fighting with things that we can’t change. For example, I can’t magically fix Mrs J’s health nor Child 2.0’s anxiety. Seems my magic wand needs a new battery 😉 It was suggested, it may be more helpful to accept where we are (I think I do), and think it might be like this now, but it might also change which I thought was a good way of looking at things. Certainly better than feeling trapped in a situation. There’s room for growth and luck then.

So while I can’t fix my family’s issues, one area I could influence is work. To try and resolve all stress would be a big ask, but by taking small steps, gradual change is possible. I am trying (yes, very 😋) to keep a very short list and if it gets done, fine, if not, I’ll pick it up later. This makes me feel I have more say in how I do things and it’s helping keep the pressure off.

The therapist also shared some technique models which I’ve read up on and I may share them another time if we use them. One of them did push a few emotional buttons, so I’m wary of doing that on my own. Sometimes, and perhaps like Chams, you need a someone who’s walked the path before.

Self-care

One of the other topics that came up was self-care. I’ve written before about feeling trapped or caged in when it comes to my trans side. I will, again, point out there are no villains in this piece, it’s just the busyness of modern life I guess.

However! 🙂 While underdressing didn’t work for me – no judgement to anyone who does – I’m trying to find what does. I’ve kept my toes painted for a week or so, and like new jewellery or a perfume, they’re just for me. A way to put a bit of colour info my life as it were.

I also took an early lunch to have a second waxing appointment. Second as in another treatment, rather than I’m so hairy it’s had to be removed in shifts 😁 The upshot – other than pins as they should be – was a drive out, countryside views, a lovely conversation with the specialist, and feeling quite pampered really.

The practice owner says she’d struggled to find a dress for her birthday and after asking her what styles she liked, I did share where I bought similar styles. We also had a shared laugh about shapewear, parenting, and life in general.

All of that really helped and I felt, well, valid. Accepted as a non-binary person and conversation flowed between us without any masks or exclusions. Reflecting on that, I wonder if a lack of feeling valid is part of my issue. 🤔 Does this ring true for anyone reading?

In closing

If there’s anything you could takeaway from today’s waffle 🙂(mmm, waffles 🐖) is that maybe it’s how we look at things.

Yes, sometimes things are sh#te, but can we fix the world? Maybe, going back to a much earlier post, it’s about Little Victories. What might I do today, to make things a little better?

Stay fabulous,
L x