Hi,
How’s things with you, dear reader? Hopefully good, and if not, fingers crossed they’ll soon improve.
Expect rain
A few of you have been kind enough to get touch and to mention your concern about – how to put this? – that there’s been a darker turn to my writing of late.
First off, thank you to those who got in touch; it means a lot. ❤️
So, secondly, I may call of the sage wisdom of veteran news reporter, John Sergeant. He said (and I’ll paraphrase) for any good report, focus on: what’s going on, what’s next, and will it get worse.
Oh, you might want to get a cup of tea and settle in. This may be a long read. But, if you prefer, scroll down to the end and there’s some photos of a 50 year old genderfluid bloke dressed up 😋
What’s going on
My gut reaction was to say I don’t know, but that’s not helpful. 🙂 What I can say is what I’m seeing in my behaviour – and so have others (including the Ever Lovely & Wise Mrs J) – is I’m not quite myself. That I seem to be struggling. That I’m mostly okay, but with more off spells than would be typically me. That and I’m worrying about things – silly things like will the mower start? Is the washing machine making a funny noise? I don’t seem to be able to climb down from being ‘on alert’.
I had an interview with an occupational health specialist last month and two things came out of that. One was my feelings of being a fraud around my issues and the other was a metaphor about carrying a load.
The fraud thing is… is a close neighbour of dear old Imposter Syndrome. I would not say to a friend “Yeah, you’re right, you’ve got sack all to worry about Just pull your socks up.”. Yet, the things we tell ourselves eh? What I mean is, there’s nothing physically wrong (okay, make your own jokes about my body, it’s fine 😁) and there’s lots of folk who have it far worse than I.
In terms of heavy load, think of each of the following as a kilo bag of sugar. Oh, kilo bags of other products are also available 😉
Long time readers will know of Mrs J’s health problems and also of Child 2.0’s anxiety issues. The impact of these is extra worry, more support, housework, disruption, more school runs, and occasionally, stress. Stress through the results of tests, Child 2.0 needing ‘cool down’ time at home, and clashes with work commitments. The latter is helped given my boss is absolutely lovely, bless him. I don’t begrudge any of the above, they’re just things going on I have to do.
That’s a number of ‘weights’ in my personal life. You can throw in worry about the – I’m going to have to try and hold my tongue here…. No, f*** it, the sh*te written about trans people and the parents of trans teens. I’m not going to list out the lies. Partly because they are many and also I’m sick of seeing them.
For any of you enjoying a biscuit, you may wish to put that aside for a moment…
To be honest, the drip drip drip of hate and bigotry wrapped up as ‘concern’, it feels akin to inviting the neighbourhood pets round to use your front door as a toilet. Yeah, I can step over it, but I’m never free of the stench. You clean up, and… ah, nextdoor’s tom cat has left a Rees-Mogg on the mat.
( BTW, bonus points and a Community Action bonus if you can get that rhyming slang for ‘log’ into everyday parlance 😋 ).
Chams, this blog, and reading what others get up to all help. Thank you trans massive ❤️ With the uncertainty around my family coming home at random times, the impact of that means little to no home dressing, and I’ve not been out in the world since before the pandemic. On bad days, I feel trapped and spend money I should be saving. Particularly as I don’t know what the electricity bill will look like in the new year. Kerching: add three more bags.
What’s next?
If you’ve made it through that lot, well done. 🙂
I’ve had time off due to illness recently. Usually I would be off for the worst of it and then get back on the proverbial horse out of guilt. But this time, I listened to the Every Lovely Mrs J’s thoughts about recovery. Not just beginning ‘not ill’, but actually being well. Rather than returning and letting an illness drag on – and not the fabulous type of drag, sadly 🏳️🌈 – it’s about recovery. I know when I’ve gone back previously and not been fully fit, my work was not to to my usual standard and good grief I was tired. So, in terms of what next, looking after my physical health.
From a mental health point of view, I’ve got an appointment through a counselling network next week. Woo, there might be a bit to unpack there! 😁 Perhaps key notes are required. I think, having jibbered away here, that I need to find some balance somehow and while being trans is part of it, it’s just another bag of sugar.
I’m also trying to find gaps where I can express who I am. I am someone who needs to present as a bloke or a woman. The underdressing thing isn’t working for me, so I’ll do what I can to try and make the best of it.
Rather than focus on what I’ve not got or can’t do, I’ve had a clear out of my wardrobe (resulting in some happy customers at Chams and funds for the group). I’ve given my makeup brushes a clean, looked into a hair straightener for my wigs, washed my wigs, and done the housework in heels. Thankfully not in a skirt so iconically and fabulously portrayed by dear, old Freddie, bless him ❤️
Will it get worse?
I hope not 😁
I think that if I don’t try, yes it will. I think there will be some difficult days ahead and all I can ask of myself, is to ride them out. The rain will pass, if you will. Mind you, it’s the only thing round here that does 😉
I’m going to try and make gaps to give me what I need and support those I love.
Chams
Shall we have some happy news? Chams last night was *fantastic*. Although it edged towards the busy at times, seeing everyone (being in my tribe 🏳️🌈) really helped.
We had a number of new folk arrive. Some were new to the group, while others where folk who’d not been for a few months (hello Steph🙂), or even years (Simone and Mel). Mel was someone who’d attended the group back in the early 90s and she’d brought along some photos for us to have a look at. We chatted while I got ready and it was very interesting to hear about her experiences, both in the group and where she finds herself now.
I’d brought along brownies and flapjacks as it was my birthday the other week. Hello decade number five 🙂 I also remembered a card for a dear friend and to pass on some vegetables for the Centre’s OAP lunch club.
Later in the evening, Steph from TrendCo arrived and was joined a little later by Nicola. They’d brought along their expertise and a wealth of wigs for the group to try. There was a flurry of activity and I noticed a number of folk with new dos, looking the right side of fancy.
I did try a few on. Some just for fun or to experiment with. I did try two blonde ones just for fun. Neither where really me. A member who shall remain nameless said with a smile (and a Barnsley accent 🙂) that I looked a bit like Rob Halford. Now, fabulously metal as Mr Halford is, it was not the look I was going for. 😁
I did try a longer blonde number, but it wasn’t really me. Likewise no luck with two real hair numbers, but with the wash & blow-dry I did at home, I felt my current do was more me. I may well take Nicola up on her offer of having some highlights put in though. I think that would help break the colour up. Something for the do list.
With consulting and sales over, it was time to bid our hair experts goodnight. The nibbles had been finished off and conversation continued after we’d put the tables back as we found them.
There were no more takers on the bag of second hand clothes I’d brought for another viewing, so I’ll be visiting Oxfam later this week. I think we could all do with a few bargains to pep us up.
As the evening drew to a close, it was time for photos. They’re great in that I find that help me remember the night out and also how the outfit looked. Simone was very kind to say I had great legs, which was unexpected but lovely of her. That certainly raised my spirits. I had ummed and ahhed about teaming the black top with the skirt, but I felt… well, pretty, like me, and comfortable.
Val and my snaps were slightly delayed as Debbie and another member asked for photos as well. I’m no guru on photography, but I try to offer ideas on different ways to stand or pose, to give someone a different look. Hopefully, one that they’ll look back on and have happy memories.
A mixed bag this week and a case of trying to exercise some self kindness. Easy to write, not necessarily easy to practice. Fingers crossed eh? 🤞
L x
I hope the counselling goes well, and you are able to find more gaps.
My friend who came along last night has fun getting changed in her car at the far end of a car park for some of her adventures.
I think that was the most people I’ve seen there so far. Was certainly a fun night.
I am very glad you didn’t like the short wig – it wasn’t you at all, and it really wasn’t that much like Halford now I’ve looked back at his early photos 🙂
Also belated Happy Birthday, I didn’t realise that was what the food was for.
Having changing facilities at the group of such a benefit and certainly beats trying to get ready in a car.
No worries about the birthday thing. I did mention it as I put the treats out, but it may have been lost in the hubub of conversation. I thought about a cake, but that might have been messy and it’s difficult to know how much to bring. Plus, bite sized nibbles are less likely to eat your lipstick or mark clothing.
It was a busy night and in a good way too. Not only good to see so many people, but that folk had branched into smaller groups.. That had been a worry with the new room and layout.
The short wig, yes, that’s a no. 🙂 Your Halford joke and the idea of some leather chaps did make me laugh. One of the cool things about being able to try different styles on, is you can see what works and what doesn’t. Imagine if you’d had your hair cut and were deeply unhappy with the outcome. That’d be awful.
As to the counseling, fingers crossed. I am hoping having a neutral stranger to listen and explore things with will help. I just hope they don’t latch on to the genderfluid aspects and go “well, why not transition?” 🙄 For some, maybe that’s their path. It doesn’t feel like mine. 🤞
I have been there, but from a completely different direction and background. I am pleased that you seem to be having a better response to it and have more self-knowledge (because of course you do). Happy birthday too! I am sorry I missed it at Chams – indeed, it’s going to be a while before I can make another meeting.
I think, with counselling, it’s worth keeping in mind that you are allowed to tell them how you feel and have them listen. You are free to ignore advice, change providers, redirect conversation or anything else. And having a neutral stranger listen can be very empowering if you’re open to hear what they have to say (she says, having not been open with the few times she went to a counsellor).
On passing – I think you do. But, then, you are you. So, of course you pass – you are just being yourself. Masc-presenting or femme-presenting – you pass as yourself. And, in my limited experience, look great in either mode because the you shines through. I’ve said it before of genderfluid people and I shall say it again of you: why do genderfluid people look better as both binaries than I look as one?
All of which is to say, solidarity with you raises fist
I’ve missed you at Chams as well. I hope the new job is putting food on the table and keeping the proverbial wolves from the door.
Then again, are Wargs cheaper to run than a car? 😉 If you park illegally, it would be a brave traffic warden to try and pin a ticket on one. “You. Shall. Not. Park!!” 🧙♂️ Okay, Gandalf, take it down a notch. 🙂 But I digress…
I’m not wholly sure about the self knowledge, but thank you. I wonder if it’s a case of having listened to many folk seeking help, that some patterns become visible. Even if they’re at a subconscious level, more instinct than theory? 🤔
Your advice about, uh, advice made me smile – the bit about switching providers – and I’ll keep your words in mind for the appointment next week. I’m not sure how the sessions will go, or if this is a preliminary thing. You can only be hopeful I guess.
“Passing as yourself”, that’s a beautiful thought. It makes me wonder if the standards we hold ourselves to – or more accurately, ones I hold myself to – are frankly nonsense. I think I already know the answer that pushing to pass is pointless. Better to just do your best, so you are happy in whichever form you prefer perhaps. Better that than strive for an impossible goal that just underlines failure. I’m also available for motivational talks 😉
But silliness aside, thank you for your support, advice, and kind words.
I’ve definitely missed everyone at Chams! I also have your e-mail but shifts have been such that I haven’t done more than glance at it!
So far the wargs have been skilfully brought down by elves, but one never knows…
I think the advice not to push to pass is more a case of “you pass more than you think you do” kind of deal. Or, rather, in your own words: “them as matter don’t mind, them as mind don’t matter.” Well, not quite your own words, I transposed them into whatever the heck accent/dialect that was. Also, I stand by what I said: you pass as you regardless of mode (and still look better than I in both, so there).
No worries about the email. I did think it might be a while given the work shifts and other stuff. I forgot to mention there’s also some plain black trousers, a grey long sleeve, and a black scoop neck top in there too.
To the passing thing… Hmm 🤔 I think often we’re our own worst critics and mixing that in with being able to ‘see through’ cosmetic changes easily, means we may not be as objective as others. That and not wanting to either delude ourselves nor because of internalised unachievable high standards.
Maybe there’s a confidence thing in the positives, though. What I mean is – and this may sound a bit crackers – by accepting that whatever you’ve got is as okay as it can be right now, that dismissive acceptance my give confidence in just being as is.
“…whatever the heck accent/dialect that was…”
Dunno. Coulda bin summat like that tho eh? 😉
Hi Lynn,
More than anything, my first thought was that the short blond wig ages you compared to your usual do, which is not what any of us are looking for is it? (Says someone who is toying with buying a grey bob wig.)
Things do seem to be getting steadily, if not rapidly, more shit over the last year, and that’s without you more personal worries about family members and your own (related?) stress. I hope you gain something from the counselling, if only to talk it out to someone who is trained to listen and be non-judgemental and not tell you to pull your socks up and deal with it. (Will you broach the subject of Big Girl Pants, or might that be TMI too soon?) Sod the socks anyway. Wear then half up half down, mismatched or inside out. Whatever works for you. Life is too short to worry about socks.
And cakes definitely count as little acts of random kindness. We raided the marked down pasty counter at the coop this evening and now have a weekend’s worth of pastries.
FWIW, I think you might rock a short grey number. I wonder if it’s a case of not just finding a haircut you like, but also one that works with you, bringing out your best features. Maybe it’s like clothes in that some items look fab on others, or are too grown up or too young for certain folk. Good luck in the wig search.
I tried the blonde one on for fun and out of curiosity. I didn’t think it was really me and I felt somewhat naked (?) in it, compared to my usual do. I think I’ll be sticking with this cut for a while longer.
As to the march into the midden, even if I try to disengage from the nastier parts of the media (I don’t do Twitter et al), the recent heatwave, the insanity of the current government’s finance ideas (I can’t use the word ‘plan’), and all the bigotry… Yeah, it would be better if the extremist nonsense could be pushed in to very long grass… or given a double flush and a spritz of air freshener 🙂
I’m hopeful and trying to keep my options open about the session. I don’t know how many I might get, not how long they might last. I’m trying to keep my feet on the ground and not pin my hopes on them. Does that make sense?
Oh, cakes and other goodies can indeed be little acts of kindness. Given for no reward, other than enjoyment of giving.
I hope you enjoy the pastries and good luck making them last beyond Saturday afternoon! 😉
Haven’t had much to add to your last posts, but I thought I’d better comment and say I’m still reading, and I hope being able to vent is helping.
It’s a shame we can’t just link counsellors to our blogs and say, “There you go, let me know what your thoughts are later”!
I think I know what you mean about comments. There are times when I read certain posts and think “yeah, that’s fair/accurate/true”, but nothing more to add, so I don’t 🙂 Thanks for dropping by, though. Is it too ‘old’ to say “Hello there” in a bad Alec Guinness impression? 😋
Writing about it does help, in that there’s a certain element of getting the noise out of my head and into some sort of structure.
As to giving a web link to the counselor, from a comedy value, sure, why not! 🙂 But I truth, and going back to the armchair psychology of behaviour; there’s things we say to others, to close friends, to partners, to ourselves, and things we don’t talk about at all.
Hey Lynn
I don’t really visit Blogspot much these days unless I have something I need to get off my chest, which is becoming rarer and rarer (not because things are better, but because the crap hasn’t changed). But when I do I always check in on you and I’m sorry that you’ve been going through some darker times lately.
You’re doing the right thing and actually doing something about it rather than stewing in it, I hope the counselling goes well for you.
Chloe x
Sometimes it feels like there’s only so many ways you can describe a particular not-so-merry-go-round 🙂
Thanks for your supportive words. I am hoping a conversation will help.
Sorry to hear things have turned a bit darker of recent. It is easy to see you give Chams your all and I’m sure you’re the same with most other things in life. It allows little time for yourself.
The old problem of being stuck in the middle! An identity with fluctuating needs and an infrastructure around your life not always best accommodating. In my head God is playing a social experiment for the longer term greater good, but it is the ones caught in the middle who in many ways get the shortest end of the stick.
I hope the sessions help you find a pathway to a bit more me time.
Thank you, Sally. I don’t mind a scientific investigation, but I do expect some time off between experiments. 🙂
It’s very much a team effort around Chams. We have folk who help set up, bring milk & biccies, arrange visits, and welcome new people. There is some admin behind the scenes, but it’s a joy to meet new members and try to help anyone who asks.
Firstly Lynn, belated Birthday wishes. I wasn’t too far behind you, celebrating my birthday last week.
I think that makes us both Virgos (https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/horoscopes/a28685194/virgo-traits/). I must confess that I’m not in decade number five this year, next year for that milestone.
Sorry to read that the underdressing isn’t working out and you’re unable to have opportunity to dress at home right now, I feel your pain on that one. I know that feeling of being trapped and spending money all too well. At least you’re able to get to Chams, that must be a real lifesaver.
How’s things post waxing? Still smooth? That must surely bring some comfort. Have you thought about treating yourself to an out of town pedicure? I must admit I’m tempted myself at the minute but will probably hold off until next Spring.
Sounds like it was good fun at your Chams meeting and very kInd of you to take in brownies and flapjacks along with your unwanted bag of clothes. Nice of you to offer tips to others on different camera poses for photographs, very kind gesture that and I’m sure it was much appreciated.
The blonde wig definitely isn’t you, you’re much more suited to the dark shoulder length hair in my opinion. Like Susie says the blonde wig ages you.
Hopefully you’ll find the counselling of help. Definitely make some notes before you go as it’s easy to forget those important things that play on your mind. Good luck with your appointment.
Finally, I’m always an email away if you want someone else to converse with. I feel we are similar in a lot of ways, married with two children, one of whom is trans, and we are roughly the same age too and both trying to navigate everyday life whilst being on the transgender spectrum.
Take care and speak soon
Lotte x
Birthday wishes to you as well, Lotte 🎂
“I was born under a wandering star
in the second council house of Virgo.” as Jamie once sang 🙂
Yes on the points you raise about underdressing etc. Chams really helps, in that there’s the forum to dip into, email to answer, and people to help. I might be a few sandwiches short of a jolly little picnic, but at least it’s possible to try and help others. Not so much “check owt mi halo” 🙂 as finding kindness is own reward. In my early visits at the group and later still, there were plenty of folk who offered help. Not “you should do this”, but more offering the option to ask. So, I’m paying it forward, doing what others did for me. Possibly, kindness as an act of rebellion in cruel times 😉
I think I’ll definitely stay away from such lighter colours. I did try auburn a few years back which I liked at the time. Maybe that’s the route when there’s a few more years on the clock. 🙂
Thanks for the advice about notes. I may not have done the map from posts past, but I’ve doodled some ideas out. I’ll need to update that with some of the possible influences (family health worries, work stress, gender inexpression, etc).
The leg situation sees some hair coming back on my knees (dealt with via tweezer shock & awe 🙂) and with the cooler breezes, in feeling that prickle of goosebumps. It’s tempting to reach for the razor, but I know in not doing so, a little more growth means a repeat wax. Given the first session was over for weeks ago, I think that’s a good return. I’ve certainly not missed having to shave my legs. Oh, and as to the pedicure, I’d have to clear off the No 7 gel finish I’m wearing. 🙂 Maybe one day.
Lastly, that’d a very kind offer of you about a chat. I’ve got your email address – well, assuming you’ve not used a pseudonym 🙂 – so if I can think of something positive to talk about, I’ll drop you a line ❤️
Sympathize very much with your down feelings. And empathize. Hope you manage to get through them soon ❤️
But I like the short blonde wig 🙂
Thank you, Jonathan. I’ve contacted a counselling service and had a chat with a specialist. That has helped. There, you don’t need to read Friday’s post now 🙂
Hey, if you like the do, it’ll be available at TrendCo
I meant I like it on you, especially with the hoop earings ❤️
Oh, sorry! A slight senior moment. 🤭 Thanks!
As much as I like my current haircut, the length does seem to hide any earrings.
I’m glad to hear that the Chams session was a particularly good one. It’s great when a plan comes together! And that’s a lovely skirt (and belt). Oh, and nice legs, too (but you already knew that 😉 )
And happy belated birthday wishes, you young thing you!
I too feel revolted by the sort of vitriol directed at trans people but I am convinced that most of the public and on side with LGBT rights nowadays. Frankly, with serious economic crises looming, families with major money worries, war threats and other issues, I’m not sure the anti-trans lobby is actually likely to make much headway right now. And their being associated with less than popular leaders like Putin, Trump, Truss and the like is probably not going to do their long-term credibility much good.
The trans community is quite disparate, but you know there are always those who will help and support you if you are feeling less buoyant. When I’ve needed real help, trans friends have stepped up like no others. Take care, hon
Sue xx
Thanks for the birthday wishes and kind words, Sue ❤️ The belt hid the elastic waistband nicely 🙂 Stretch always fits, yo 😋
Yeah, the political stuff and hatred, as Truss and Sunak were doing the rounds last month – as opposed to doing the economy in 😋 – Tory voters were asked to rank their top issues. There were twenty six to shuffle and the top where the cost of living and energy prices. Right at the bottom was the culture war on trans rights. Most folk are live and let live.
As to your comment about the community, a few folk have been kind enough to get in touch and/or offer a quiet chat. ❤️