Twinkles

Hi,

Another week rolls by eh? 🙂 I had Friday and indeed this Wednesday off from blogging. Given the circumstances around our boy dog, the Ever Lovely Mrs J’s health, and indeed her Dad, sometimes, something’s gotta give.

It’s funny. I talk on here – write? 🤔 – about putting your own oxygen mask on first, yet in the flurry and fluster of life, that advice is so easily forgotten. A note of thanks to both M and A who reminded me that there’s nothing to feel guilty of in doing that. The all important step back did help. ♥️

Funnily enough I found that I missed writing – if you can say blogging is writing. Well, at least a case of keep tapping away at the keys at least. Or, for the more modern folk, swiping away at the touchscreen. 🙂

One thing I’ve noticed – and I think this applies as much as our dear old hound, as it does to things in my trans life – is deciding. Not the difficulty in doing so, but the emotional turmoil that goes on why ideas surface, flounder, and crash, before something settles. Dragged* out of the churning waters, it somehow manages to weather the emotional storm. Okay, I think that metaphor has been suitably tortured 😁

( * Sadly not in the fabulous sense of the word 😉 )

But what I’m getting at, is if I can cope with that uncertainty, the actual decision brings peace. Sure, not an easy peace, but certainly better than the grief of before. I feel it’s that magical question: what’s the least worst option? In fact, you might apply that same thought to coming out, starting to explore your gender, shaving the legs, trying makeup, or getting out.

Sometimes, doing nothing is the worst option…

Staying in a job you hate or quitting or going somewhere new that’s completely unknown? Not getting medical help when you know something is wrong, yet scared of knowing what it might lead too….

Which being us around to the trans factor 🙂 Considering we might be anything other that the mainstream cis het (cisgender heterosexual) – and for the record, that’s totally fine – can be quite a shock. I think it certainly alters your self view. But, maybe, what’s the least worst thing you can do in that situation? Experiment and experience perhaps? At least try and adjust as you learn.

Enjoy and just try

So it is that we’re trying, a middle way with our dear old boy. He won’t be here forever, but if we can make his start with us a good one, we’ve done something. Hopefully the right thing to help his stay with us as best as they can be.

I spotted this in my Memory Jar app the other day:

We have light and light, we have nothing. We have dark and dark, we basically have nothing. It’s like in life. Gotta have a little sadness once in awhile so you know when the good times come. I’m waiting on the good times now.”

Bob Ross

Ah, dear old Mr Ross. A man of wisdom and talent indeed. I wouldn’t say I was in the ‘dark dark’, but it could be better 🙂 I guess, I’m just looking for the twinkles of light. Moments to be enjoyed and maybe, if we look for the stars, we’ll not see the darkness ♥️

With the above in mind: there’s been good news about Grandpa J, investigations are in hand for Mrs J, and the kindness of friends helps. Look after yourselves.

L x

PS: Apologies for anyone who read the title as Twinkies and expected pictures of snacks 😁

6 Comments

  1. As someone who has too many times turned a comfort zone into a place to retreat into like a shell to avoid having to face the world and make decisions there’s a lot of wisdom in that remark that avoiding something can bring its own sense of grief and paralysis, when the better option is to take the plunge, rather than let putting it off constantly gnaw at you. It wasn’t always like that. For a period in my late thirties and forties I made a resolution to say ‘yes’ to anything that came along, which meant I ended up on secondment in various parts of the States for a couple of years and a lot of memories of places and people I would never had had otherwise. Somewhere along the line I lost the nerve or ability to keep doing that, right up till a couple of years ago when I looked at how I was living, hiding mt trans side even from myself, and decided I didn’t want to live (or more importantly die) still in that state of denial of who I was without ever finding out. And also that I was too old now to worry anymore about what others felt or thought. Yes it was scary, but having made that decision, also deeply liberating and exhilarating. Indeed, that least worst thing turned out to lead to a kind of internal peace where I am comfortable with both sides of who I am.
    Enjoy the time you have left with your beloved dog, for as long as he is still able to enjoy it. I think you’ve made the right and kindest decision for both of you.
    Love

    1. Thanks Susie. One day at a time with the boy dog. The idea of going to another country to work terrifies me. Reading that you made that decision to do that makes me think how brave you were. Plus, deciding to be yourself? That ain’t easy and for anyone who does, they get my respect.

  2. Hi Lynn, as always, this completely resonates. Your blogging is definitely writing and its compelling writing at that. I agree, sometimes doing nothing is the worst thing; resisting that urge caused transition and led me to happiness. In the nuanced way you do it though, the opposite is true: procrastination caused by fear of the outcome also happens. Certainly to me. I’m in the throes of several decisions I’ve been putting off, thank you for the timely nudge.
    Take care lovely lady, Rhi x

    1. Hello Mrs. Lovely to hear from you. Your point about nuance: I think if we can look at a decision as more than yes/no, that frees us a little. A gift of possibility, if you will.

      Good luck with deciding and whichever route you go, I hope it goes well for you. ♥️

  3. I did read that as Twinkies. Just as well I’m on a diet and so am not disappointed!

    Comments were turned off for your last entry and I respect your choice. But I know that your time with your hound will be special. I also know you are going to spoil him rotten! And I am hoping all other health issues chez Jones resolve themselves well.

    Sue x

    1. Mmm. Snacks 🙂 I don’t think we have Twinkies over here, although they do seem to pop up in dystopian settings as the food that survived the fall of humanity 😁

      Yes, we’re looking after our lovely boy dog as best we can. He gets a spoonful of peanut butter morning and night to hide his tablets. That and comfy beds, plus walks that are more about giving him time to sniff, rather than distance.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *