Alive

In the Groundhog Days of this and last year, I am missing being pretty. It’s not something I yearn for, but like the twinkling of warm spring sun, I’m aware of how much I’ve missed such things.

I am grateful for the variety of dog walks I can go on, not having to commute, not being ill, being employed, having my family safe, and being able to pick which shop I buy groceries from: such things bring me happiness and contentment. To share and laugh and a smile with the Ever Lovely Mrs J helps. The silliness in the mundane and the pleasure of the everyday…

And yet, there are times when I miss the sound of my heels, the feel of lipstick, or the brush of my hair on my neck. It’s been a while. Perhaps a little too long and I hope that the Centre will be open and the opportunity to be all of me will be there.

Many moons ago

I am alive, but am I living? Mostly, yes. Like perhaps a lot of folk under lockdown, I do not have the option to do all that I need.

Big girl pants, old girl, things will get better.

L x

6 Comments

  1. Oh Lynn, I’m sorry. I feel for you. I know we have the main material essentials even in these difficult times, but a TGirl needs nourishment for her trans soul too. It’s easy for me to say “Hang On In There, Sister”, however well-intentioned, but it’s not providing the need you have to be you. I don’t know what the lockdown situation is down your way but is there any prospect of creating some Lynn time outside of Chams meetings, at home or outdoors? Or lock yourself in the attic and have a girly Zoom chat?
    Sue x
    PS Love the photo

    1. Thanks, Sue. I wrote the above about a fortnight ago and didn’t post it. I kinda hoped the feelings would pass in time. While it’s certainly not doom and gloom (surely a tag line for Holidays in Mordor? 😁), I feel the spring has gone from my step a little and I could really do with some time as ‘all of me’ to recharge the batteries.

      It may be that that happens this Friday as both kids are in school and Mrs J is popping out to work for a stint. Fingers crossed eh?

      On a positive note, I had a lovely chat with two of the Chams Crew on our regular Thursday Night Natter.

      1. I know what you mean. T-days were in glorious colour while the endless trudge of living in lockdown feels like living in black and white.
        Remember to treat yourself and Mrs J to little random acts of kindness. Buy cake, flowers, a slightly posher bottle of wine to share. Maybe I’m just a cheap date, but when you aren’t expecting anything then anything – even a cheap bunch of flowers from the local co-op – can brighten the mood.

        1. That’s an interesting metaphor, Susie. See also the difference between watching TV in HD versus standard perhaps.

          I’ve not had cake or wine for a bit, as I am one belt notch in the wrong direction. My weakness is chocolate and I think the sugars – like too much beer – lead to a slightly too round tum.

          I have, however, not been working as late and I’ve been sticking to having breaks, rather than cracking on. I just can’t be bothered with some of the work noise at the mo. I’ll bounce back in a bit, I’m sure.

        2. Yes, the developing Winnie the Pooh tum is a slight concern as to whether I can squeeze back into some of those outfits when the time comes, especially as I’ve been rather lax about the stoutness exercises.
          Like you, I’ve taking ‘me’ breaks more often rather than working through. And guess what – sometimes the work get done faster – probably because I’m not making so many silly mistakes.

        3. Ha ha! Stuck in the burrow and having one’s get used as towel holders. Oh the shame of it, Winnie. 😁

          The breaks thing does seem to give some cooling off that lets the brain work on the problem behind the scenes. Sometimes a particularly tricky problem needs a dog walk, putting the washing on, or even a hot shower: then inspiration strikes.

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