When your label drops off

Hi,

Earlier this month I posted about having a spot of bother in getting off to sleep…. and that was before this week’s heatwave. Still, having the air-con on a comfortable 19 made last night’s trip (in bloke mode) to Chameleons much more tolerable. Anywho, one of the things my mind was doing, was going over what I might write for a presentation in a few months. No, not work-related, but transgender outreach kinda thing.

It’s not so much that I don’t know how to start it and I’ve got a brief from the organisation on what they want. It’s more… it’s more that I’m struggling a bit with the identity of saying I’m trans*. BTW, there’s a rather good post by Jonathan that talks about a non-binary umbrella. This may help if you’re new to some of the language.

You see, if we take the word transgender to be an umbrella term, which I do (rightly or wrongly), then I know I sit somewhere under that rainbow shelter.

But, here’s the thing, I don’t feel trans as in wanting to transition and I don’t feel I can stand by the term cross-dressing. There’s nothing wrong with either of those and I’ve no time for T related spitting contests. Really, it’s not you, it’s me, kinda thing. ๐Ÿ™‚ So if I don’t feel I can stand with those terms: what else is left?

Genderqueer? Well, not really. I mean, my presentation is bloke 99% of the time and 1%… umm… not looking like a bloke ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m not mixing things up, so I don’t feel I fit in here.

Does that make me bigender then? I mean, from a simple appearance point of view, I can see that possibility. Oh, and be careful you don’t search for “big ender”. That’s a whole other thing. Who knew! ๐Ÿ˜€ Jokes aside, I don’t feel I have two genders going on, it’s just me. Sure, a bit non-standard or even atypical (emphasis on not better or worse – just different, again), so it’s close, but not together a perfect fit.

But, here’s Rub 01: my appearance doesn’t really change my personality or view of the world. I don’t ‘butch’ up to be more manly. While I might watch my profanity a bit more in Lynn mode, I’m pretty much the same in interests, thoughts, and language. Indeed, given my mannerisms in bloke mode, I’m surprised no one has commented on how I sit. I know, this sounds a bit nuts when you read it back. What else did you expect from this blog? ๐Ÿ™‚

I feel that leaves genderfluid and I’ve been thinking about what that might mean to me. On the one hand, it seems to encapsulate the continuum that I seem to be on. Okay, I might physically appear as binary A or B, but what’s going on in my head and my heart are not quite so singular. I mean, I think as the old social mask I wore has faded and possibly disappeared, I’m now just me regardless of how I dress. Sure, I don’t share everything, but I don’t hide my feelings, body language, and my male dress sense has shifted to colours and patterns I like on a Thursday. Still, male, but not that blokey.

So, Rub 02: I wouldn’t say I’m distressed by all of this, but I would say that I’m a little perplexed and uneasy about what this might mean. I thought I knew who – or even, what I was – but the uncertainty isn’t something I really like. Maybe it’s like that gag by the late Mr Cooper: “I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.” ๐Ÿ™‚

Hopefully, with a bit of time, the idea of a new ID will be okay. Maybe I’ll try it on for a bit and see where it takes me. Hell, I might even learn something new. That would be good.

Take care,
Lynn

6 Comments

  1. Interesting thoughts, Lynn. They sound quite familiar. The one question that came to mind in terms of maybe find the "best" label for yourself is, is there any desire to present as Lynn more often, and if so, are there impediments to that? I wonder if that 99:1 ratio shifted externally somewhat, would you feel differently about your ID?

    I know for myself, impediments block my way, and I have had to temper my expectations for the world at large. I know I'm somewhat to the femme side of the spectrum, as I term it, and would be Shannyn much more often without the impediments I mention. However, like you, I've learned that I'm just me inside, and while I don't have a lot of "blokey" behaviors or interests, I do have some (sports, my musical tastes), and I know now that I can keep those, no matter what level of transition I ever go through or don't go through. What does that make my ID? Not sure. I just say trans for now. Because what's inside counts the most, I think.

    Just my thoughts. Have a great day!

    1. That's a really good question, Shannyn. In truth, I'm not sure. I don't think of my family as an impediment (have you been using SCRUM at work, BTW? ๐Ÿ˜). I do, however, moderate my behaviour given that family life is not about me, but about us.

      I think that I'm so used to things as they are that I'm not sure I can see how they might have been.

      Yes, there's times when I'd like more time to be able to decide how I'd like to look. But, like a lot of people, of not pushed for that.

      Perhaps in summer hypothetical reality, I'd flip between looks, but I'd always be me. Yes, there would be some 'bleed' between presentations. Well done nails, trim brows, and smooth legs. But, that's just hypothetical. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  2. Words, words, words…. Who gives a f**k? You're a guy (I guess you say bloke on your side of the pond) who wants to be girly once in a while. It happens to the best of us. I like the umbrella term myself because some of us don't necessary maintain status-quo and end up moving towards another side of the umbrella over time.

    Now, to more important topics. On my side of the pond, 19C = 66F. My God, girlfriend, you're going to freeze your little tush off unless you wear tights….but tights in the summer? Oh, I digress…..

    1. 19C is just right for my (somewhat dilute) Celtic/Nordic blood. ๐Ÿ‘ 21 it's okay, but we are nudging into warm. ๐Ÿ˜‹ I think the 38 we had earlier was too much.

      Yeah, labels, labels, labels. I know. It has made me think, and what I've been hearing/reading is how the umbrella term (transgender) seems to be altering to mean transitioning…. which I'm not.

  3. Oops, just noticed this post.

    Labels, labels, quite so. But as for genderqueer, as I say in my post – which you very kindly mention ๐Ÿ™‚ – I prefer a much wider definition than the one in the umbrella pic. That is: "someone whose gender is queer in some way, without specifying how".

    So you could certainly use that as well if you wanted to. Or not, as the case may be ๐Ÿ˜‰

    1. Hmm. An interesting take on that label.

      FWIW, I've shied away from GQ as the folk I've met or read about who have claimed it, seem to blend: taking things that are traditionally thought of as M or F. Makeup + beard or bloke suit with fancy nails + heels.

      Perhaps with time, the language will catch up with the changes the community are going through. Maybe I shouldn't worry too much about it and just say I'm a part timer. ๐Ÿ™‚

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