Earlier this month I posted about having a spot of bother in getting off to sleep…. and that was before this week’s heatwave. Still, having the air-con on a comfortable 19 made last night’s trip (in bloke mode) to Chameleons much more tolerable. Anywho, one of the things my mind was doing, was going over what I might write for a presentation in a few months. No, not work-related, but transgender outreach kinda thing.
It’s not so much that I don’t know how to start it and I’ve got a brief from the organisation on what they want. It’s more… it’s more that I’m struggling a bit with the identity of saying I’m trans*. BTW, there’s a rather good post by Jonathan that talks about a non-binary umbrella. This may help if you’re new to some of the language.
You see, if we take the word transgender to be an umbrella term, which I do (rightly or wrongly), then I know I sit somewhere under that rainbow shelter.
But, here’s the thing, I don’t feel trans as in wanting to transition and I don’t feel I can stand by the term cross-dressing. There’s nothing wrong with either of those and I’ve no time for T related spitting contests. Really, it’s not you, it’s me, kinda thing. 🙂 So if I don’t feel I can stand with those terms: what else is left?
Does that make me bigender then? I mean, from a simple appearance point of view, I can see that possibility. Oh, and be careful you don’t search for “big ender”. That’s a whole other thing. Who knew! 😀 Jokes aside, I don’t feel I have two genders going on, it’s just me. Sure, a bit non-standard or even atypical (emphasis on not better or worse – just different, again), so it’s close, but not together a perfect fit.
But, here’s Rub 01: my appearance doesn’t really change my personality or view of the world. I don’t ‘butch’ up to be more manly. While I might watch my profanity a bit more in Lynn mode, I’m pretty much the same in interests, thoughts, and language. Indeed, given my mannerisms in bloke mode, I’m surprised no one has commented on how I sit. I know, this sounds a bit nuts when you read it back. What else did you expect from this blog? 🙂
I feel that leaves genderfluid and I’ve been thinking about what that might mean to me. On the one hand, it seems to encapsulate the continuum that I seem to be on. Okay, I might physically appear as binary A or B, but what’s going on in my head and my heart are not quite so singular. I mean, I think as the old social mask I wore has faded and possibly disappeared, I’m now just me regardless of how I dress. Sure, I don’t share everything, but I don’t hide my feelings, body language, and my male dress sense has shifted to colours and patterns I like on a Thursday. Still, male, but not that blokey.
So, Rub 02: I wouldn’t say I’m distressed by all of this, but I would say that I’m a little perplexed and uneasy about what this might mean. I thought I knew who – or even, what I was – but the uncertainty isn’t something I really like. Maybe it’s like that gag by the late Mr Cooper: “I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.” 🙂
Hopefully, with a bit of time, the idea of a new ID will be okay. Maybe I’ll try it on for a bit and see where it takes me. Hell, I might even learn something new. That would be good.