Midweek Madness

Hi,

Not the best snap,
but it’ll do

So, the ongoing cycle of worry versus reward and me vs man has been running like a tumble drier half filled with bricks. The psychic noise keeps me awake at night, and in the day, distracts against the burden that is work. I’m sure that’s part of it too: the type of stress that gets to me, rather than motivates me. I know it will pass, but… well, yeah.

I… I have fought… and lost. I found I could not stand at the edge any longer…

I stopped fighting and let go.

Of course, once you let go, you can’t ‘unfall’, the journey has started. So it is that my legs are now smooth.

Whatever excuse I can dream up will not placate my dearest wife, so I will, at some point, face her disappointment. For that, and I hang my head low, for I am sorry and I am guilty.

This is the part I hate about being trans: upsetting my partner. She didn’t ask for any of this, and I had no idea I would take this path. The drip-drip-drip of pressure within in me to be out, to visit a trans support group, and now this. I worry that like a tree flexing in the wind, at what point does the force become too strong and there’s a break? That, I do not wish to know for I love Mrs J with all my heart.

Some of you may be asking, well, why did you do it? and it’s a question that’s gone around my head for months now. Why indeed? The only answer I can give is that my legs feel right. No Wookie pins with balding outer calves and bushy parts around the knees.

The clock now ticks to find when I will be caught. I am hoping it is worth it.

Take care,
Lynn

4 Comments

  1. It's messy.

    Most of us, most of the time, in most areas of our live are muddling through. We like to think there are known boundaries: just now, this is OK and this isn't. One thing's for sure, unless you take very specific action, your legs won't stay smooth for long.
    I do hope you and Mrs J work out how to muddle on.

    1. Thanks Demelza. I hope so too. On the one hand, I feel that the outside matches the inside. On the other, I'm… disappointed with myself.

      The last time I shaved my legs was in the 90s, and it took a couple of months to come back.

      I guess we'll see how things play out, eh? Here's to muddling on.

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