After a much enjoyed holiday, I’m back. I hope the back catalogue of scheduled posts kept you amused while I was away. The holiday was one to remember and the Jones Massive certainly had a good time and without too much coin nor trouble. What’s not to like eh? 🙂
It’s funny, I’ll often start a post with a line about highs and lows. Frequently, these are minor bumps in the road of life. Nothing to knock your tracking or rattle the frame mind. Then, there’s the proverbial near miss, pothole or – as it felt like this Tuesday – driving through a hailstorm.
What set me off, I don’t know. I could hazard a guess at a combination of being back after a grand break, to missing a meeting or… well, I could go on (Ed: and you usually do 😛 ) but I doubt I’ll be able to put my finger on it. I mean, I’ve missed meetings before and all has been fine. I’ve skipped getting changed during hot weather and enjoyed the chat. I’ve been back to work after long and short breaks, and it’s been no big thing. I’ve had smooth then not so smooth arms, but that’s been fine.
Heh, it’s ironic in a way, given my earlier post about staying strong, getting help and dodging the shadows of the woods. I didn’t reach out, I didn’t get help and by the time I realised the cold cloak had laid its misery around me, I was drawn in. As we say in England, bugger. 🙂
Yet, there was the growing push – ache? – to want to be not just in bloke mode. I don’t say clothes, because it’s more than that. That, or a want to shave my legs or arms and not feel, well, so ‘him’. Thing is, doing either of the latter will upset the Ever Lovely Mrs J and I really don’t want to do that to her. Much as it itched, I felt if I gave in, it would be wrong somehow.
As I said to Val, last night, I don’t want to use the word desire, because it has sexual connotations. Likewise, using need or want, makes me sound like an addict or someone with a fetish. Maybe that’s the truth and I can’t bring myself to admit it….
Or, and I’d like to offer this as the reason, I can’t exist in just Richard mode. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not two people and I don’t have two lives. I don’t feel that Lynn-time means I can leave all my ‘other life’ behind and dance, skip or swish my way through the night.
No, it’s more…. more an ache. A ache of being trapped if I’m forced to be just one gender. For all my wry looks when someone says ‘bi-gendered’, perhaps that’s closer to my truth than I’d like to admit. I know I don’t want to transition and there are may days in which I can take or leave it, when it comes to being fabulous. I guess, I can’t leave it completely, that way, sadness lies.
So, Wednesday, it all became a little too much for me and I must admit I had a bit of a cry on the way home. One of those incidents were you’re glad of slow moving traffic and sunglasses to hide behind. Just keep that stiff upper lip, Jones. A nation expects. Plus, summer equal hay-fever time, so there’s a ready excuse.
Perhaps the emotional hit of Disturbed’s rather good cover of The Sound of Silence and the lyric from Pendulum’s The Island hammered it home:
My reflection, will slowly fade,
To another time, until my head escapes
Poetry with a beat. Where do I sign up. 🙂
Back home I found myself lost in computer games or whatever the e-commerce version of window shopping is. Distractions, I suppose. I did find a lovely dress in Dorothy Perkins, but it seems everyone else liked it and they were a little quicker in ordering. Still, money saved…. and then spent in Boots, as I *ahem* invested in a new eye pencil and a fab new lippy.
Thursday was busy busy, with work stuff and then numerous home tasks. Mrs J wasn’t feeling well, so I did the Helpful Husband routine (because I love her, not because I felt a duty), of chipping off early to sort the dogs, collect Little Miss, pick up the shopping and then collect Wee Man from his friend’s house. After that, it was a quick shave and off to Chams.
Once I’d started to get changed, I could feel myself beginning to settle and relax. In a moment of weakness, I’d been a bit overzealous shaving my ankles, so my footless tights didn’t have to be as low as they are normally. Ah, is this the tipping point and this starts to be the new normal? Well, I guess we’ll see. 🙂
Being all of me.
The new lippy – a matte red from Nyx (see above) – went on beautifully and stayed put most of the night. That’s pretty good considering I was drinking water on and off. It didn’t bleed too much, although that may be down to the lip liner (a girl’s best friend) and Lipcote to keep it in place. Seriously, if you’ve not investigated the last two products, do yourself a favour and give them a spin.
In Chams news, we’re getting the new bank account sorted out, as both Val and Diane kindly volunteered their ‘other’ name & address for the account. Luckily, the account doesn’t have anything to do with Chameleons, so their and my secret identities remain.
Talking of the latter, we’ve had to can our application for funding. Not only did the funding body want full name and address, but unlike the bank, the information may be shared with interested parties. Sandi mentioned that she’d fallen foul of having her information linked to a charity she helped with and received sale calls, junk mail, etc. Yeah, I think we’ll pass. Mind you, it’s a shame, as the Ever Lovely Mrs J said.
Moving on to good news for the group, we’ve got a party to sort out for the first meeting in October. Then, at the end, we’re due for a meeting from TrendCo. They’re a top pair of ladies, who run a wig consultancy in Nottingham. They really do go the extra mile, so if you can’t make the meeting, do pop by their shop, you won’t be disappointed.
At the end of the night, Val and I hung back to lock up, and we had our usual quiet chat, as I turned back into a slightly less made-up pumpkin. I won’t go into the details of the conversation, but I will say listening to Val’s advice helped. After that, it was back downstairs to turf out the Unusual Suspects and then head off on our merry ways.
Right, that’s my brain – and possibly heart – emptied for another Friday. I hope you have a good weekend and that the upcoming week is kind to you and yours.