How’s it going with you? Me? Oh, a bit of a strange week – or perhaps more accurately, one of highs and lows. On the positive side, I’ve managed to pretty much clear my work do list and I’ve really managed to crack on with a few personal projects too. All good stuff really and unlike some work activities, they’ve been quite fun to do…. which makes a nice change! 😉
As it’s my birthday this coming week (yay me, but also a scary number. Eeek!), the Ever Lovely Mrs Jones has been kind enough to book us a cottage somewhere quiet. Plus my in-laws (outlaws?) have kindly offered to look the nippers…. as said offspring will be at school, while we live it up with fine tea, good books and some pleasant strolls around the countryside. I do like family holidays and yet a holiday with just the two of you – well, three as we’re taking our hound along too – will be a very welcome break from the usual routine.
In other nice things, Mrs J and I were out buying shoes for Big Man (both wanted to stay at Granny’s), so we were on our own for a spot of shopping. It didn’t take long to pick up some trainers for our big lad and while we were there, I had a quick look at the heels & boots. Mrs J – further earning her Ever Loveliness points – joined in and she offered to buy me some! Much as I’d like some new shoes – and for no other reason than new shoes are fabuuuuulous! – I couldn’t find any that I liked in my size. Oh well. Still, it was very much the thought that counted.
So with all that good news, it feels a bit odd to talk about the not so good stuff. But, warts and all, as folk say. Thursday was Chameleons and now that Little Miss has started school (bless her), I won’t be visiting Granny’s on a Thursday night to drop her off. This means a later start to Chams. Although really, it’s not that late – not when I look at it sensibly. Leaving home at half seven to get there for eight is pretty good and there are lots of trans folk who don’t have a regular night / venue to go to. Perhaps if I’d not faffed about and got Little Miss in the bath earlier, I could have wrangled an earlier ticket; but hey ho, lessons learned.
So, I got there around eightish and already I was started to have a bit of a tizz about the whole thing. The idea of fussing around with a decent shave, hauling the bag of fancy gear and swaning off for three hours….. or at least, that’s what I felt. I guess I come back to something from CBT at this point: the idea of the logical mind, the emotional mind and the wise mind that sits between them. I think the concept is that Wise Mind is supposed to look at what you are feeling / thinking and apply some frame of history / detached view to it. Short version: don’t panic, Jones 😛
Trying to put that into practise, I went with the option of “You’ll enjoy it once you’re there” and “Keep calm, carry on.” The latter phrase didn’t really sink in and rather foolishly, I couldn’t help but get into a little bit of a state about it. I guess…… [sigh] I guess that a part of me is worried that something may happen that means I won’t be able to go out. I believe this is called catastrophizing and it’s – perhaps understandably – not a good idea and all very pointless when you look at it in the cold light of day…. or the warm glow of an evening, but I digress ;-).
I know that worrying and imagining what could change is crazy, but then emotions and panic don’t make sense at the best of times. Best thing I could do? Just try and ride through it. I’d say “man up”, but it would seem ironic. 😉 Yet once I started getting ready, I started to feel better. Yet, I couldn’t dispel that annoying nagging doubt that this was all so very temporary and I’d be getting changed in under an hour. Again, not true, considering it didn’t take me that long. (Ed: Calm thoughts, Lynn, calm thoughts and do be careful with the eyeliner :-P)
Anyhoo, I had a very plesant evening chatting with Maddy (seems an age since we last spoke) and I caught up with a few other friends too. There was also the discussion with Penny about the best way to dunk a biscuit (we have all the best conversations at Chams, y’know 😉 ). Then there’s the planning of the Xmas Party and the Chinese Meal for next week. All good stuff. Bumped into Kate (J), but she had to make her way back early to get the train home. Oh the joys of public transport! 🙁
Come the end of the night – before Maddy headed off to town – she, Alison and I managed a few snaps on the stairs – despite considerable larking about. I was invited along to the pub, but I didn’t want to be too late getting home. That and I wouldn’t be able to get out of my dress without a bit of help (high neck equal tricky zip at the back). In the end, I stayed put and chatted with Sarah and Alison a bit more. Sadly, no sign of Sophie (I hope you feel better, mrs!).
I got changed and headed home. Mrs J said I looked very unhappy and we had a chat about me having a ‘bit of a tizz’ about the whole thing. It was a nice and relaxed chat and I found it beneficial. Sometimes just talking through things helps – I guess a bit like a much more person orientated blogging exercise. I guess I’ll see how next time plays out. Fingers crossed, eh?
[ Today’s lyric: Adrenaline by Gavin Rossdale ]