Today, I wanted to write something positive. To be the bearer of good news or a good gag. Neither are in abundance right now and this annoys me. What I want is to be rid of the darkness that tumbles within my head. It robs me of interest and joy; a fug through which I see the world. Disconnected. I have an appointment to see the quack – sorry, doctor – later this month and I think we were going to talk about coming off the happy tablets. Thing is….. I don’t think I’m ready for that. Not yet.
Whatever’s lurking in my psyche, it hasn’t gone away. Sure, the treatment has helped – hell, I’m still here – but I’m *still* not back to how I was. I had tantalising glimpse of normality a few months ago and those perfectly average times were just what I needed. Not the carefree embrace of happiness, but the regular ebb and flow of average days, some good days and the odd bad day. How things are supposed to be. Just two weeks before my appointment. Let’s see what the next few bring eh? 🙂
Yet there is, hope. I’d don’t have to paste on a smile for the Chams massive. I don’t have to lie about feeling okay or battling through it, pushing myself through work to hide from what’s going chemically wrong inside. I can be honest with friends there, talk openly and from that, enjoy the simple things: company, laughter, good times. Oddly, a despite previous posts about worrying about not dressing up enough, when I got chance this time around, I just wasn’t in the mood. People eh? You just can’t please them 🙂 On the upside, there was no messing around dealing with make-up or worrying about getting my nail varnish off.
So that’s it for this time around. Sorry, it’s not a happy-go-lucky post, but so it goes. Rough with the smooth.
[ Today’s lyric: Crush by Pendulum ]