“I could stop if I wanted too…”


I’m going to do something bad. I’m going to break one of the unwritten rules of the Man Code. Mind you, I’m only a member by default and my heart was never really in it. I like shopping rather than sport and my map reading skills are terrible. Still, I can open a jar of pickles and re-wire a plug, so I’m not ready to switch over just yet 🙂

Where were we? Oh yes, one of the rules is that what you hear when your mates are drunk stays between you. I suppose a snappier line would be: what’s said in the pub, stays in the pub. 🙂 I’m not a big drinker and getting p*ssed up isn’t really my thing but it had been a while since we’d all met up, so why not stop off for a bevvie?

What’s the big secret then? Okay. Affairs. It seems that a few folk (no names) have been playing away. One wife knows and they were (rightly so) repercussions. Two partners don’t and these other affairs have now ended. So this is 4 blokes out of a group of 12 who’ve *ahem* strayed in the last ten years. Does this blode well for men or long term relationships I wonder? Still, the activity isn’t limited to men, I know a married lady who ran off with another chap.

So why am I blabbing this? Not to have some rant about cheating b*stards that’s for sure. Yes, it’s cheating, but should I judge? No, I don’t think it’s my place and I’m close to some of my mates. I don’t approve – as I know a couple of the wives in question – but lay into them? What would be the point?

Interestingly – and even with a bit of chemical fire in our bellies – the mood wasn’t accepting. No, it was far more a confessional than boasting. There was none of this ‘good on yer’ back slapping. Conversation was muted and it took a while for the group to return to the banter we’d started the evening off on. You could see people weighing up their thoughts as the night progressed.

For a split second I found myself sat on a high-horse… only to slip off. I’d never cheat on my wife, I felt like saying. But then another thought hit me: what if I already am? What I do, who I am – trans*- is for some partners, beyond the pale. It can be as much a breach of trust as having it away with your secretary. I suppose the thing is you don’t know what’s going on in your mate’s heads. Heh – something I am grateful for when thinking about a night out with the ‘girls’. 🙂

But like an affair, a relationship can survive you coming out. I know a few couples where they are still together. There are varying levels of acceptance, but I think you have to count your blessings. A cliche, yes, but I’d rather compromise than drive the ever lovely Mrs Jones away. Luckily for me, I never had the ultimatum of ‘it or me’. I think that’s one of the lines a trans person would hate to hear.

Honestly. Could I stop? No, for me: to stop, throw everything away and turn my back on the friends I’ve made. I think it would be just too much. That’s a long, dark road and one I hope I keep on passing by.

My that was chirpy wasn’t it? 🙂

Take care,

[ Today’s lyric: Just One Fix by Ministry ]


  1. Ugh, I had a bf cheat on me and it broke us up because of that. We remained friends after the fact (although it took awhile.) And I had a friend who tried to cheat on her bf with me (didn’t happen.) It seems like a stable and committed relationship is a rare thing nowdays. I swear that I hear about this sort of thing happening every month. It truely is one of the aspects that humanity has taken which disappoints me terribly. It is soooo sad that so many people feel the need to throw away a relationship they are happy with simply because they want a little bit of fun and excitement when they could have actually gotten even more pleasure from their partner if they had only been a bit more open with them. Maybe I read too much into the whole situation and apologize for getting wrapped up in assumptions but regardless, we all know way too many people for whom those situations are a sad fact.

  2. “Honestly. Could I stop? No”…

    At least you recognise the fact. So many don’t, and then feel they’ve failed when they return.

    What helped me hugely was learning that latest research suggests that under development of an area of the brain during feotal development leads to transgender behaviour.

    So it’s phyisiological as opposed to psychological. In other words if you’ve got it there’s nothing you can do about it – it’s just the way you’re wired.

    That took a large slice of the guilt out of the equation for me. Have been a much happier bunny ever since. 🙂

  3. Liz > I think stable relationships are out there. My folks are happy together as are my wife's parents. I can think of a few 'happy couples' too. That's not to say that it couldn't go horribly wrong, but you keep your fingers crossed don't you 🙂 I wonder with breaking up that if you've done it once, it gets easier and easier.

    Rachel > Thanks… I think 🙂 Only joking. 😀

    Like you, I've been reading on the subject too and I assumed that while who you are has a lot to do with how your grow up, the whole 'turning into your parents' thing felt right being genetic. Doubly so with the whole sexuality / gender thing.

    I mean there's been research showing how different levels of hormones during foetal development affect that child's sexuality as they grow up.

    While we (TG folk) are subtly different, there is a lot of similarity. Certain the whole 'summer drought' thing, when we discover who we are and the inability to shut it away, made me think that, as you say, it's part of how you're wired. Maybe how you are brought up affects how you deal with it, but won't stop it manifesting if you are that way inclided. I'd love to see some offical research on the matter.

  4. When you hear of the high percentages of relationships that don’t survive, you have to wonder if they tried, or just decided to walk away…

    It sounds like you have a good one; as Liz says, a rarity these days!

    Your last paragraph of reply to Rachel is very astute! I’m not sure which arms we’d have to twist to get funding for that research, though…


  5. Letting a relationship rot to hell is easy, but then settling for just any old thing is also a form of giving up.

    A great relationship takes a lot of hard work to support, whether it's a conscious effort or not.

    I've been married 5 years (lived together for 10). There was one dalliance (which, thanks to alcohol didn't amount to much) that I deeply regret but still can't fathom. It's been forgiven but not forgotten. What a hypocrite I am – in the 5 barren, single years before I met my wife I used to *curse* my married friends & colleagues who thought nothing of cheating on their partners.

    All of my previous judgements went out of the window. I wasn't the cold, calculating bastard I thought the unfaithful friends of mine were, so maybe it was literally just 'one of those things'. But then, a long-term affair with all its associated deception is hardly the same thing…

    Anyway I got lucky, and I continue to try my best to stay lucky.

    You're lucky too. Maybe this luck thing isn't an accident 😉

  6. Justine > Long term, a fling or a one night stand: they all (obviously) have their effect on you, your partner and the relationship between you. I know some people who don't mind their partners flirting ("it's only words") but I can't say I'm keen on that.

    Luck or dedication in keeping it going? Given that H's and my parents are still together, maybe there's something in the genes. That said, if one partner really strays – what can you do? Forgive and try to move on? It's not an easy choice.

  7. Alan > Oops! Sorry, honey. I missed your comment the first time around. Thanks for your kind words.

    I do wonder if people are tempted to walk away rather than try. Of the non-TG circle I move in, the couples seem to have patched things up – at least to my outside eyes.

    I do feel very lucky to have H. Not just because of of what she puts up with, but of who she is. If you can forgive the soppy bit, we have two wonderful kids and a good life together. I would have worried a lot less as a teenager if I knew adult life was going to be this good!

    I know a few people who say things like "but you have the perfect relationship". It's perhaps not as perfect as it seems from the outside. I enjoy looking after the kids and at parties (as Stephanie once said) I find myself joining in and entertaining them. I sometimes hear nice things like "I wish my husband did that.." and I wonder how many wives would put up with the TG element if their partner did more with the kids?

  8. Thankfully my wife has never given me the ultimatum question, though we’ve actually had the “other woman” discussion that you refer to above. Not in depth, for sure. But it is interesting to pull out a few similarities between an affair and crossdressing.

    Your wife will feel threatened, she will feel as though she isn’t “good enough” for you. In our relationship my wife isn’t typically feminine (likes sports, has a great direction sense, doesn’t wear makeup, etc.) and found her femininity threatened by my grasp for it. The kind of woman I wanted to be was different from her – did that mean I didn’t really love her?

    Definitely not. But how different is that from an affair? If I want to be, or want to be with a different kind of woman the implication is still there – I want something other than you.

    Other similarities include:
    The keeping of secrets, at least initially. Unfortunately too many wives find out and feel betrayed.

    The undercurrent of “wrongness”. Something goes against the social norms, she may feel ashamed. Just as she would if her husband had an affair.

    Anyway, some thoughts from someone who is dreading going back to work next week, so may not be all there…

    Crossdresser Heaven

  9. Vanessa > Thanks for sharing. I think there's also the element of "But I married a guy, I don't want a girlfriend for a husband." It isn't easy and I can respect that.

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