Lessons Learned: Part XVI – The route to new

Hi,

If you’ve been reading YATGB, you may have picked up on my occasional ‘down the rabbit hole’ curiosity of what makes us do what we do. I guess I am trying to make sense of what it is to be trans-something-or-other, somewhere under that big ‘ol inclusive trans* umbrella of identities and possibilities.

Now, two things I love – other than the perfect heel, good hair, and a lippy that stays the course 😉 – are a diagram that helps with understanding something.

Think of it not so much as a map of where we are, but some things we can point at, and maybe reflect, learn, or discuss. A smart person might have said a shared metaphor, but that wouldn’t be me 😉

Also, the famous phrase “All models are wrong, but some are useful” comes to mind, so I don’t expect this to be perfect – I am hoping, it might be of use.

What does this mean to me?

This post and the diagram within came to me following conversations with people about personal change. Some of them are trans*, yes, but are larger number of them are cis – but the patterns I started to see, seemed common between people. ‘Cos, y’know, people are people, right? 🤗 I believe that there’s more that unites us than pushes us apart, but maybe that’s a post for another day 🙂

To answer your question, this model might be a way for you to view your trans* related goals into smaller steps. Not exactly a list of things to be checked off, but more a model that shows you what may be necessary, to help you get there. That you don’t have to try and do everything all at once.

A friend once said to me that you can’t tidy all of the rooms in the house at the same time. That and doing all of them in as little time possible, is a big ask of yourself. Instead, it can be wise to look at what’s the least I can do, to move me forward to a better place? With that in mind, let’s dig into the ideas below.

The route to new

The above image – now version 1.4 (thanks Susie) – might look a bit “yikes! what’s this?“. Don’t worry, this is what’s sometimes called ‘map shock‘. The thing you get when your brain tries to take in a lot of visual information all at once. I’ll leave the jury to decide if it’s badly presented 😉

Understanding the model

Let’s break things down a little. I will wander around the diagram starting with the top, the left, the section at the bottom, and then move into the steps in the centre.

Identity – the need to be me, to feel okay

This top layer is the bit that drives us. Wherever we start in life, we may want to change; to have things feel better because something doesn’t quite feel right. Sci-fi & film buffs may wish to reference Morpheus from The Matrix at this point.

What drives Hope

I’ll come back to Hope in just a mo, but for now, all we need to know that someone is not just dreaming of better, but aspiring. You could absolutely swap those words out for something else, but the aim is the story, not the definition. It’s one thing to dream, but it’s another thing (IMO) to aspire – to want to do something, and make steps to do so.

What enables Hope, Attempt, Explore, and Attain?

Wanting to change is one thing, what can help you get there are a number of building blocks. You don’t have to have all of these, but each one helps you on your way. If you don’t, it’s not that you’re doing it wrong. We don’t do blame here at YATGB ❤️

In fact, you may notice the subtext in this zone of: “I am doing the best I can, with where I am now, with what I know now, and what I can do now“. This last bit is key: you can only try and keep trying.

Ignoring trans* stuff for a mo, do you get each task right first time? Not just new things, but activities you done for ages? Life is complex, so we don’t always get everything right all of the time.

Sometimes, but in general, when we don’t quite make it – I won’t use the word fail 🙂 – we learn more. We can connect the dots as to why something wasn’t quite what we wanted, and/or we understand what caused us to not quite get where we needed.

Looking at the building blocks, these are as follows. Oh, and the word isn’t the key bit, it’s the story behind them.

Acceptance – I’m supported to be me

You might call this tolerance, blind eye acceptance, or even the old school “don’t ask, don’t tell” which is fairly common in -ahem- gender enhanced relationships. Your partner might not fully understand and/or accept, but that’s okay. They are hopefully working on that. In this context, having some level of support helps you not have to fight, hide, or argue to try things. But support doesn’t have to be from your family: it could be a good friend, a therapist, and/or your friendly neighbourhood trans group.

Confidence – I’m okay to try this

You might not feel ready to do something, and that’s okay. You may think that you’ll never learn to walk nicely in heels, or that a smoky eye will always look like drive-by attack by a renegade chimney sweep; but you’ll get there. The thing here is having a go. To have just enough self belief to pick up the brush or pop on your shoes, and try. Maybe read up on something, ask a friend, watch a tutorial, etc. It’s the trying that counts.

Safety – I’m okay to be me

Slightly different to Acceptance as this is in a wider space. There are some things you can do on your own or away from judgemental gazes, and – obviously, some you can’t. Buying clothes in the real world, asking about make-up, trying a wig, etc – pretty much these will be ‘real world’ activities. Yes, you can try to go on-line, but for somethings, you will need to step out.

So, are we safe? There’s the question. It’s okay to be nervous, worried even; but we do need to keep our personal and emotional safety in mind. The idea of a trip out in the daytime might be terrifying; yet, ironically, with so many people about, it’s likely to be safer. That and you can hide in the crowd. People will have moved on before anyone’s clocked you.

Conversely, at night or going somewhere alone might feel safe emotionally, but that can be riskier because there’s no one to step in, and – as many women will attest to being alone can make you a target. Stay safe, tread carefully, but be brave, my young padawans ❤️

Capacity – Time & space to be me

If you are 100% on home, family, and/or work, when do you get chance to try? If you can’t find the time, you might need to have a think about what you’re doing, and if any of that might be delayed. This isn’t about win/lose or the ‘me time’ concept – the latter I think we have to watch for, as splitting life into the binary of what I enjoy / what I don’t enjoy is harsh. It’s harsh on us and often we end up piling more & more into the Bucket of Misery, rather than looking at the good stuff.

What about doing chores/tasks earlier in the day? Perhaps skip watching TV, gaming, emailing, surfing the web, etc; and claw back some time to focus on different things. Just be aware, that it’s okay to relax and take it easy. This isn’t a race. Indeed, doing some work on yourself and walking away to let your subconscious chew it over behind the scenes, can really help.

Dare I say, if your mental health needs it, it’s okay to book time off work. Indeed, if you are suffering with poor mental health, do take a sick day. Sure, don’t take the p*ss, but do look after yourself ❤️ The latter days aren’t ‘time off’ they are for illness, and I would include anxiety, depression, grief, or burnout as reasons to step away.

Something I’ve not put on the list is money. You might notice that when folk take up a new hobby or interest, that one of the first things they do, is splash the cash. Sure, looking for the right running shoe, best garden saw, funky yoga pants, etc can -ahem- ‘feed the beast’ in terms of that reward system on getting things. However, I think it’s possible to get distracting in looking for the Perfect Blah, rather than focusing on the task at hand; trying to improve yourself. Sure, it’s true you probably shouldn’t start jogging in flipflops or wellies, but perhaps you have some regular trainers or suitable footwear you can use right now.

To a certain extent, it’s true that you can’t start to dress with nothing, but you don’t (IMO), need to break the bank in buy, buy, buy. If you are learning, buying less expensive items can help you in the short term. Think of it as training before committing. Good places to find more inexpensive items – or indeed expensive items at lower prices – are charity shops, eBay, or Vinted. Keep in mind that buying on-line second hand comes with the risk of not being able to return something. As scary as it sounds, buying in the real world – where there is a returns option – might be for the best initially.

Hope, Attempt, Explore, Attain

These are in the centre of the diagram, and you’ll notice the figure walking up these steps. Where these steps go, who knows! 🙂 But, they represent you moving from where you are, to a new place. This is not, IMO, a linear journey and each of us will have different wants, needs, and goals. What matters to you is the important bit, and it’s okay to change your mind. You may only know what where you are now, is not where you want to be. You may explore a number of dead-ends, and change you mind. Change is okay: you are trying and you’re exploring.

So, Hope, Attempt, Explore, Attain? These are the stages of a step towards a goal. Indeed, each step is on top of another step. We are moving away from uncertainty and towards being more able, confident, and able to do thing. Where that ends, well, only you will know the answer to that. I would add that those steps go as far as you need to go: you set the destination and there’s no time limit, or reward. There’s also, if I may add, no competition. You do, you ❤️

You start with Hope to improve the situation you are in now. That could be big – I want to feel happier with myself or I want the confidence to go outside – or small – I am going to learn what patterns match this top! 😉

Attempt is giving things a go and trying. Again, this might take a few attempts, and that’s okay. It is about trying and indeed retrying. Do talk with other folk via forums and/or support groups. You might have friends in the real world you can confide and talk to as well.

Explore is when you are most of the way there. You may have partially reached your goal, or maybe you’re not quite sure you’ve fully got the hang of it. There’s also the old joke: I used to think I was uncertain, but now I’m not sure 😉 Like all old jokes, there’s a grain of truth in there. Perhaps now is the time to do two things: A) be curious about those feelings. What is going on that makes you think something isn’t quite right? B) Just – if not more important as A – is to look at how far you’ve come. Talk to yourself as you would a friend. Be kind, be supportive. Be wary of thoughts of “I’m not good enough” or “So-and-so is better at this than me” – only compete with who you where, not someone else. Who knows if the other party is struggling with something else, or indeed looks up to you; that does happen! Instead, focus on exploring what you’ve achieved and remember to include a wee dash of pride on how far you’ve come.

Attain; You don’t have to be a guru, you just need to be good enough. Maybe you can do a ‘night time look’ with your make-up? That’s fine. Maybe that’s all you need to do! Perhaps heels illude you, making you feel like a drunken Shrek – been there! 😁 So do flats, wedges, boots – just get moving with what you have. Attaining doesn’t mean you won’t learn something new later. It’s just being in a place where you feel ‘okay enough’ to enjoy where you are. It’s not about ‘settling’ or other negative self-talk, IMO.

Up, down, onwards

This wiggly line is to show that progress isn’t a straight path from zero to one. While the steps look like a staircase, the reality is you’ll have some gains, some setbacks, some pauses, maybe even some dead ends – but the path to progress is generally upwards over time.

The piccy of Auntie Ru is there because you will mess things up. It is okay to make mistakes – this is how we learn. Unlike Drag Race, your learning process isn’t ‘make or break’. There are plenty of times to rethink and retry.

Indeed on that note – an pro-tip from the trenches – if you do feel you’re heading to a I Must Get This Right moment, may I suggest the following?

• Pause and think: will all this matter in ten minutes, ten hours, ten days, ten weeks, etc?
• Remember to run your internal feedback as you’d talk to a friend – be kind!
• If things really are important, practice early, so you’re not risking things playing up on the day (or night).

The future we don’t yet know

I’ve picked a set of mountains for a few reasons. Firstly, there’s a metaphor about route. You may choose to go around some obstacles; you might decide to go over; you might hike solo or with others. The thing here is that the peak of the mountains can’t be seen. It might be that this isn’t a fixed destination, that you are enjoying the journey, rather than aiming for a single goal.

Additionally, mountains suggest to me that you can look back at the view: that you can pause to look where you were, and enjoy that. You’ve climbed that. Sure, maybe you took a wrong turn or you needed a sit down midway, but look how far you’ve come. This is good news! 🤗

Does this mean you’ll get to the top and you’re done? Maybe, that’s for you to decide. Perhaps, as with all hills and mountains, there’s other places to explore.

Wrapping up

This is a long post and quite a bit to dig into. I hope you’ve found it useful and if you’ve feedback or ideas on how this could be improved, do let me know.

I do not expect the model shown to be perfect; hopefully it’s enough help you look at motivation in a different way. Why some points along your trans* history were easier, and why some were harder. But hey, you got there – and that’s cool

Lynn
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