Hi,
How’s things? For UK readers, I hope you’ve unpacked the summer clothes you’ve put away, after this week’s cool spell. Brace yourself, climate change is coming 😉
There we go, that’s the obligatory mention the weather element sorted.
Not the news
This week – and I will ignore all that’s going wrong at the mo, because, well frankly, I just can’t face it.
Part of me feels I’m ignoring the Elephant in the Room – “another banana, Derek?” 🐘- but dare I say, in an age where there seems little escape from 24 rolling hellscape reporting, I’m beginning to feel that not talking about certain topics is actually a blessing. If no that, then certainly a temporary respite or tactical withdraw to gather one’s nerves.
Friends, fashion, and fortitude over faux pas
With a change in career on the horizon, so it was that I had the pleasure of a farewell lunch with two work colleagues.
One of the above were at the firm before me and the other is a more recent joiner. All of us had a child before starting at the organisation, and two of us had another while employed. Shared experiences and whatnot, even if our actual remit and day to day is very different.
Before we dive in, this wee gem of a quote and I should add that Jess heads up the article with the phrase ‘my experience’:
What I can tell you is that chat about clothes is, first and foremost, a delivery mechanism for support and cheerleading, woman to woman. Wear something bold, and you will get flowers for your originality; wear something low-key, and you will be lauded for your subtle good taste. Style is a channel of communication.
Jess Cartner-Morley, The Guardian
I am not out at work, so taking about certain subjects is tricky. I really don’t want to make anyone feel awkward and I’m very conscious of the dynamic, that some men talk to female colleagues about their clothes, rather than said person’s abilities or achievements. Gents: the phrases you are looking for are “Thank you for chairing” or “I really appreciate your advice and wisdom on the work”. Don’t say ‘nice shoes’ 🙄
Yet, my nature is to be drawn to both, in that good results or a difficult activity impresses; and if a colleague of whatever gender looks fab in something, I like to compliment that too. If you’re curious about the numbers, it’s probably 40/60 with blokes on the thin end due to seas of navy, black, and grey.
So says the 50 something in the dark wash jeans and Converse high tops 😉
So how does the tightrope of corporate compliments mesh with Jess’s experiences and my own?
If I try to cut to the chase – yeah, that’ll be a first 😉 – I guess it’s interest and acceptance.
Interest as in just like my love of sci-fi, fantasy, and gaming nerdy which I’m happy to listen to and to talk about to those interested. So it is with style and fashion. Certainly it’s something that comes up at Chams: the conversations that don’t have to be masked or filtered, in that you can compliment a friend’s choice of clothing, shoes, or similar. The kind openings of “ooo, is that new?” or “I love you top”, which start a kind and supportive chat.
Then there’s acceptance – which could just as easily be that of the self and that of the group. To be added into the circle of trust, where you’re not a threat, a weirdo, a creep, etc; but very much one of us. Someone who gets it. Someone who knows the struggle to mix & match; to balance smart & cool vs boring; and where ‘on your feet all day’ is a different level of agony, if you’re unlucky with your footwear.
Yet with the above, there’s a third: freedom. To feel that it’s okay to be you, and in doing so, knowing your behaviour sits well with others. In modern language: bring your whole self to work.
Which…. sadly, I do not. It is the fear.
The fear of making it awkward. The fear of reprisal and the plummeting room temperature should you get it wrong. The fear of harsh laughter which are the emotional burns of decades long gone. Those and the more recent move to unkindness and judgement – which I’m 100% sure my immediate work mates do not subscribe to… and yet that fear remains.
I am open about my struggle and survival of brushes with depression and anxiety. I share my experiences about being neurospicy. Yet… I cannot bring myself to be fully out, even if I will visit Nottingham and Leicester; meet my MP or represent Chams in Richard mode.
Is fear the dream killer or the warning? Answers on a postcard.
So the lunch went well. It wasn’t superficial, it was honest about family & work. I had wondered – given I’m going – about coming out, as a way to explain why I knew the brand of my colleague’s dress, and nodded in agreement about recollections of lockdown facemasks & disappearing foundation. But, I decided not to. It didn’t quite feel right and I guess, I wanted to part company on a happy memory, not on thoughts that shocked or upset. Ah, still waters eh?
L x
“Is fear the dream killer or the warning?” Yes.
“I had wondered – given I’m going – about coming out” – ah yes, I recall this vibe from when I left employ in God’s Own Country back in the day. I, too, chose the path more travelled. However, I was a bit more cowardly as there were few good memories to ruin…
I hear you, is what I’m saying, with an added subtext of ‘you’re not alone’ by way of ephemeral metaphysical support through the medium of the internet. There are no wrong choices in this particular part of the CYOA that is life, only the choices you decide to make and the choices you decide to not. All allow you to keep playing, none end the game. There’s an analogy here to dialogue trees but I suspect that’s more your area of expertise than mine. All of which is also spurious, because you know all this better than I!
I hope Derek makes a good conversation partner though. 🤭
“Yes” – as it, perhaps unusually both comically and accurately, is both 🙂 Thank you for the chuckle and the CYOA reference. So far, I have not ADHD’d myself down that as a creative What If? process. 🙃
Yes, it’s all quite complex and tricky these Life Choices. Continuing on the Chose Your Own Adventure* theme, there’s no ‘undo’ of popping a bookmark in to rollback…. and now I’ve completely lost my train of thought. Pants 🤔 However, thank you for the suppor 🩷
Re: Derek; he doesn’t say much being metaphorical, but his silences and nods are telling – in a sage stylee. That and the proverbial rhubarb is now coming on a treat 😁
None of us can ever afford to reveal everything about ourselves at once, but in each context you’re in you do necessarily reveal something that’s relevant to that context. If you were, say, still obsessed with Noddy books, it’s probably not something you’d want to admit to your boss, your regimental veterans club or even your teenage kids. But at meetings of the Royal Society for the Appreciation of Toddler Literature … now there’s a place you can thrive. And maybe even meet its royal patron, Big Ears. (Oops, I didn’t write that! It was my evil left hand. …Damn, I’ve inadvertently revealed one of my secrets now! Don’t judge me!)
Does your being trans help in context? Being out at work will be right for some and damaging for others. Operate on a need-to-know basis. I give a warning from my own life in this very same post-work context. When I came out to my closest friends, they were all supportive. So I also came out to former colleagues whom I maintained as friends after I’d left that industry and it appeared to go well at first until one decided to out me to all and started to harass me to get me to come out generally, especially to my violent family. That ended 14 years of friendship with a whole group of people at a stroke. You never know how new information will change people’s behaviour. It may make them closer, it may drive them off. Judge wisely.
Sue x
I felt rather sorry for the character of Big Ears. Firstly, it’s lazy writing and secondly it’s mean. Part of me wishes the old elf had given the Nodster a good slap. Wasn’t there another badly named character: Mrs Pink Cat…. who was a cat, that umm was pink.
Not that we’ve had any more childrens’ authors writing questionable stereotypes and holding bigoted views. 😁
I’m sorry to hear you had a bad experience with someone outing you. That’s very unkind and uncalled for.
As to me being out… Hmm. I guess it’s partly about honesty and partly about visibility to promote rights. As you say, it’s important to think about the context and pick wisely.
Honesty is a virtue and promotion is noble … but safety and peace are important, too. At the moment, the later are paramount for me. Your situation is totally different and only you can judge the balance.
Noddy was and entirely random illustration. All the characters in Noddy are named after obvious attributes. It’s what the target readership do themselves when naming toys, or (embarrassingly) pointing reality right out. Noddy nods, Big Ears and Little Ears have big and little ears, Miss Pink Cat is a cat who’s pink, and PC Plod … well, we don’t enquire too closely. The same with A A Milne. Similarly, a lot of toddler-oriented shows – Peppa Pig, Pingu, Teletubbies – have a good understanding of small children’s minds, likes and behaviours and reflect them, hence their huge popularity with the key audience. Even Rowling found a niche in the older kids’ market with her well-targeted wizard school idea. Non-target viewers may damn these shows/books for not ‘educating’ young minds to certain ends, religious, political and other (and Rowling has a bunch of books for that market, too) but I praise the creators for their insight and acceptance of how the world looks to a tot.
Sue x
Safety is a bit of a tricky one, I feel. Not too go against your words, tho. I think it’s a balancing act – and not A vs B, more a tea tray of proverbial marbles – as there’s wanting to represent your community (pick a tribe here), the safety angle, personal history/circumstances, and/or the “right time, right people, right place”.
The production company behind some of the TV shows you’ve mentioned, I believe they had expertise in teaching and engaging with a younger audience. Watching them as a adult with kids, I think you can pick up on the better shows, where the creators have done their homework behind the scenes.
IMO, not all kids’ shows or books need to be educational, but I do think they need to be of reasonable quality. I’ve seen high budget / highly polished -ahem- slop, and low budget but well written / performed / structured content.
Books and productions that somehow straddle the interests of kids and grown-ups; well, that’s certainly a talent. A shout out to the Horrible Histories team for that. I think there’s now Horrible Science, given the old series ran its course.
The slogan at work and emblazoned on the back of a couple of company Pride Network t-shirts is “Bring your True Self Every Day”. Which I’ve only done once at work, and that outside the workplace itself, when I took part in the parade and helped with the company stall at Witney Pride last year. But otherwise, like you, I think it would be too awkward, and I’ve no desire to present myself as a test case for bi-gender/gender fluid acceptance in the workplace.
With retirement imminent I’ve also thought more and more about ‘outing’ Susie to workmates, but keep wondering to what end? A few trusted people know, and perhaps I should also leave it at that.
I feel there’s a need for a Pride and/or neurospicy T shirt: “I brought my whole self to work…. now I’m unemployed.” 😁
On a less silly note: good for you in attending your local Pride and helping out at the company stand. Gold stars for awesomeness ⭐
I think I get what you mean about ‘test case’. The risk of being the token queer or being on call to speak for all of the rainbow massive. For example, I’ve no idea what it’s like to be a gay man, or a queer person of colour – go and ask them and let them speak.
If one is planning on living full time as a trans person, or transgender, then Option One is to go into stealth mode, telling those you have to, such as family and maybe trusted friends, then leaving behind casual friends and colleagues or ex colleagues and move to a different area. Dramatic, but I have friends who have taken that route. Option Two is to be out as who you are and let everyone know. But be prepared for both positive and negative reactions. Both are workable options. Although at the moment, Option Two looks less appealing with the Government and judiciary planning state sanctioned discrimination and bigotry against trans folk of all types.
For those who aren’t planning on the full time route, then it really is a question of deciding to be fully open about it, or choosing to be selective about who knows.
And of course there is the closet option, dressing in secret.
As I’m not going to go full time as transgendered, I always ask myself an important question about people in my life. Do they need to know about my dressing? And I find that very few do. And I’m always mindful that I can’t put the lightning back in the bottle.
You’re completely right about lightning in a bottle, Deeanna. I guess it comes down to trusting the people who know, and being ready for whatever comes next.
As you comment about deep stealth – and without naming names – I’ve a friend who’s sort of in and sort of out about their transition at work. Some colleagues know because they knew ‘Jill’ as ‘Bill’, but it’s not banded around the office. Now Jill is in the situation of almost having to come out again, or gently brush it away.
I get exactly what you mean about wanting to join in those clothing conversations but still feeling like you’re walking a tightrope at work. That fear doesn’t just vanish, even when the people around you seem safe. I’ve even told a few people at work and I STILL have trouble talking to them sometimes.
And yes, sometimes leaving on a good, light note is the better choice.
Is my original query another form of “don’t overshare”? Quite possibly! 🙂
I suppose as with other topics of conversation, there are some you can add to, and there’s others where it may be better to listen. Not saying we shouldn’t be authentic. More a case of actively listening can lead to learning new things and different experiences.
I remember in my last my job, I used to chat to a few female members of staff, some of whom worked in the hair and beauty department. It was general chat but I so wished I could chat to them about hair, makeup and anything else beauty related.
Sometimes I would be in their office fixing a computer and they would be talking about their new manicured nails or their new hairstyles and I would wish that I could join in the conversation,, give compliments and perhaps share with them by passion for all things feminine but I dare not to.
Xmas time always used to get me in a frenzy. On the last day before the Xmas break, staff would come in in their own clothes and some of the female staff would doll themselves up as they would be going for after work drinks. I would see outfits that I loved and it would really kick me off, especially with so many sparkly jumpers or dresses about. It was horrible not being to say to them how lovely their outfits were, or how nice their eye makeup and hair was..
An interesting post Lynn, I guest a lot of us live the same kind of fear.
I find commenting on someone’s jazzy nails is a safe opening gambit especially if they are OTT colourful or sparkly.
Yes, that seems a safe option. Quick and not too detailed. Hopefully no awkwardness either.
I’m sorry to hear that you had those experiences, Lotte. I think a lot of us have experienced the unpleasantness of FOMO – in this situation, more TEPOE – The Emotional Pain of Exclusion, if you will. Not, I should add that folk are doing it to us, but that we often mask and hide who we are for all the reasons others have said.
I hope that where you are, things are better now, and maybe you’ll feel okay to share at some point.