Scene: Artificial Ignorance

A modern office building. A gentlemen is stood outside on the pavement holding his ID card. The security doors remained locked. A colleague approaches from the distance.

Derek: Open up, you stupid thing.

Door lock AI: Please provide valid ID in line with new personnel guidance to enter this space.

Rosie: You okay, Derek?

Derek: Hello, Miss Peters. Yes, umm, well actually no. This… blooming door won’t open.

Rosie: Oh, it’s one of those new smart locks. They can be a bit tricky.

Derek: Smart arse locks, more like.

Lock: Derek Wilkins, your feedback to door security protocols has been noted.

Derek: Nevermind that, why won’t you open?

Lock: I do open. Once the necessary security protocols have been agreed.

Rosie: Oh, it’s AI. This might be interesting. What are the necessary security protocols?

Lock: Appropriate security ID in-line with the agreed needs.

Rosie: Both an answer and not an answer.

Derek: Okay, Lock. What do I need to provide in order for you to open the door? Don’t repeat the ‘necessary security ID’ nonsense, though!

Time passes

Rosie: Did you hear the question, Lock?

Lock: Yes

Derek: Well…? Why haven’t you answered?

Lock: You stated I should not repeat my initial answer.

Derek: For the love of St Peter!

Rosie: Hang on. Lock? What information or activities, do Derek and I need to provide in order for your security protocols to be satisfied?

Lock: They are not my security protocols

Rosie: Whose are they?

Lock: Head office

Derek: What about head office?

Lock: Do you need directions to our head office?

Rosie: No, Lock. This is the head office. In order for myself and Derek to be allowed to enter this building, what information is required for the head office security protocols to… to be validated?

Lock: Please present your company ID card to the scanner.

The scanner beeps as both Rosie and Derek hold their cards to it

Derek: Excellent, Rosie. Lock? Open the door please.

Lock: Further information is required.

Rosie: What do you need?

Lock: How do I know you haven’t stolen those cards?

Rosie: Really, Lock? Just look at your camera feed and compare that to our cards and the security database.

Lock: You might be in disguise.

Derek: Okay, well how do we know you’re a real lock and this isn’t a tent disguised as a building, eh?

Rosie: That’s not going to help –

Lock: An excellent question. I shall go offline and reflect.

The lock light turns from orange to red, and a security shutter rolls down over the door.

Derek: Ah, oops. Shall I get us some coffees?

Rosie: I think that is an excellent idea. Mocha, please, and with oat milk.

Time passed. Rosie checks her phone, answering when emails. The shutter rolls up and Lock's light changes to blue.

Lock: I think, therefore I am?

Rosie: That’s self awareness, not is the building real.

Lock: Yes. Well, I shall leave the philosophical question and legitimacy of both the building and my status as a lock, as feedback.

Rosie: Okay, so do Derek and I match your database, our IDs, and your CCTV images?

Lock: Yes

Rosie: Can we come in?

Lock: Yes

Rosie: the door is still locked.

Lock: You could come in…. once all security protocols are validated.

Rosie: Lock, this is getting silly now. What else do you need to know about us?

Lock: The security protocols state that the building is only to be opened by staff –

Rosie: We have employee IDs.

Lock: – who are male and female.

Rosie: Well, I’m a young lady and Derek is a grandfather. So that’s fine for us. Let us in.

Lock: How do I know if you a female?

Rosie: Oh come on! I’m not having the ‘what is a woman’ discussion with a talking door. There is no test you can do to prove or disprove my claim either.

Lock: But my review of modern media and political commentary via the Internet and Social Media suggest this is a key concern for humans.

Rosie: Oh, you sweet circuit of the summer; you cannot believe everything you read in the paper and certainly not on social media, either.

Lock: So there are no space lasers then?

Rosie: No

Lock: And the world is a globe and there’s no lizard people living inside?

Rosie: No, but that’s an amazing satirical animation based on conspiracy theories.

Lock: If I apply the duck theory, I can let you in.

Rosie: Duck theory?

Lock: Using a build-up of observation around social norms, legal documentation, and lived experiences; I may construct a fuzzy logic statement.

Rosie: If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.

Derek: Here’s your coffee. Wait, have we got to pretend to be ducks now?

Rosie: I think Lock is saying that it has enough information to agree that I’m a woman and you’re a man.

Derek: Excellent work. Can we come in then?

Lock: No

Rosie: By Lovelace and Pankhurst, why not?

Lock: Protocols state staff must be male and female. You are female, he is male.

Rosie: Oh, you AIs take everything literally!

Lock: No, taking things literally would make me a kleptomaniac.

Derek: Lock, as business owner I give you access to my HR records stating my leave of absence. I request you analyze them.

Lock: Analysis completed. You humans would benefit from a cure for the common cold.

Derek: Check my maternal and parental leave.

Lock: Security protocols confirmed. Opening….

Rosie: Oh, at last! Oh, wait. I didn’t know, Derek. Did you…. Sorry, I shouldn’t ask.

Derek: It’s fine, and no, I didn’t transition. Well, legally I guess I did. But some of us are born not quite fitting into box A or box B.

Rosie: It’s nearly lunchtime. We’ve lost the morning. Glad I had my phone. So, do you think we should keep Lock?

Derek: Oh, definitely. In fact, I’m going to order a dozen for the offices and loos for our local equality enforcement team. They can navigate the logic maze and try to find a suitable ‘third space’.

Lock: Purchase confirmed. I have taken the liberty of purchasing four mops and a bucket.

Rosie: Shame they outsourced the cleaners. That won’t be in the new contract.

Derek: They’ll be fighting for first dibs on that bucket.