Gratitude

Hi,

So, how many sleeps until Christmas? I am looking forward to time off with my family and enjoying a break from the five day school/work/walk/tidy hamster wheel. Child 2.0 is currently embroiled in mock GCSEs, so he could really do with some rest, bless him.

Headspace

This week I had my first appointment with a counsellor through work. I put in the request around summer – when Things Were Not Quite Okay in the State of Lynmark (hello, classic Brit understatement 😁). There’s been quite a queue and given the mental health issues – exacerbated by a lack of funding to the NHS (apparently we have enough money to send 240mil to Rwanda, though 🙄) – well, you can only do your best in the time and place you find yourself.

When the appointment came in, I felt a slight twinge of fraud. I mean, I’m coping, right? It’s not like I’m in weekly panic meltdowns or chewing the arm of the sofa….

But, that’s probably the Negativity Goblin muttering about my Imposter Syndrome.

I think the truth of it, is A) I wouldn’t say that to a friend; B) I’m not sure waiting until crisis point is wise (no sh**, Sherlock 😉); and C) when I had a break from my meds, I was anxious, edging into twitchy. I think even a tousled hair convict could follow that Venn diagram. 🙂 Oh, and yes, I will be having a saucer of milk later 😸

I was not quite with it as the appointment started, as I was just back from the school run and had fed the hounds. So far, so standard morning. Luckily I had a half day off, so no worrying about the usual guilt of not working hard enough.

The counsellor was new to me as the specialist from last year had switched to another team to help with the backlog. I spoke about my anxiety concerns, pending ADHD investigation, (no news on that yet), home/caring duties, Child 2’s mental health, Mrs J’s physical health, working from home to support the previous two points, and my trans nature. The latter isn’t a problem: I am accept who I am and I’m okay with it. I guess the rub is when I have to maintain the mask, be that in conversation, dress, or how my body looks.

TL/DR: having smooth arms and pins feels natural.

I did add that both the Ever Lovely Mrs J and a friend (thank you, Andie 💜) pointed out that in late summer I really struggle… Perhaps if I’m honest here, I’m trying to hold myself together in those months. I guess we’ll explore that in later chats.

The specialist asked about life experiences. I mentioned my family, spell of depression back in the 2000s, and subsequent recovery. It certainly made me rethink a few things about mental health. I spoke about Chams and how much I gain from having that in my life. I have friends their, a place to be me without the mask, and I get a sense of purpose from offering help & support. I mentioned walking back to the car years ago, after a meal out with trans friends. The fear I felt from loud, shouty people outside pubs, and the feelings on vulnerability. Luckily nothing bad happened. Similarly the learning moment when I’d gone to a course and I was the only white student there. My reaction was “is this a taste of what it’s like to be a minority?” and that’s decades ago.

I’m mentioning all the above stuff because we spoke about empathy and being their for others. That and the suggestion that I don’t apply the same kindness to myself. Yeah, I can see that.

It was a really helpful conversation and I’ve another session booked after Xmas. I felt both lucky and grateful of the specialist’s expertise and advice. The short list would be too be wary of things you’d not say to a friend, feeling guilty about ‘not doing enough’, and gauging my worth through completing work. The latter is something I think I need to focus on, because I think the reality is we help others get things done, and oftentimes work is complex. It’s not pick up, move, done; but a slow and detailed process that can take weeks, if not months.

Therapy part two

Despite being a bundle of nerves, I booked myself in at a nearby beauty clinic for a leg wax. While my calves are fairly easy to maintain, the rest not so much. So post hot shower and missing my winter thermals, I made my way around the ring road. As I parked up, I remembered I still had my toes painted. Ah well, it’ll be okay, or I’ll have to find another place!

The waxing specialist was kind and supportive, bless her, so my worry was for nothing. I explained that my nerves were are not wanting to make her feel uneasy or uncomfortable, and she said that everything would be okay, and we’d take things slowly. I mentioned that I was genderfluid, which is why I’m familiar with being waxed and why I wanted it done.

She popped out to give me time to remove my troos and boots, plus to get comfortable on the table. I was glad of the towel to give me more cover and I felt less exposed. I’d decided to wear my Snag briefs (hello Big Girl Pants 💜) because they’re the right cut, and as they’re made of a former material, I felt they had more coverage than my usual boxers.

It was more of a cream wax than the honey coloured one that the previous venue offered. The beautician said that she felt it was gentler and less sticky to deal with. From a pain point of view, I think it stung slightly less. At least I’m hoping that’s the case, rather than my adrenaline 🙂

We chatted about various things from family, to food, to trans stuff (she was curious about the modern terms), to school, looking after children, growing up, etc. Bless her, she asked if I had regular pedicures because my feet were in good condition. No, nothing except cotton socks, moisturiser, and Birkies or boots. Maybe I’m lucky in the foot department. 😁 As to the rest of me, it’s been a long paper round! 👴

I felt really relaxed and pampered during the process. I remembered just how much this helps me. Not just feeling that my legs are as they should be, but it’s the gentle treatments. Yes, having hair ripped out isn’t that comfortable. But the warmth of the wax, the cleansing of skin oils, and post wax cleanup (pretty much so you don’t stick to your own clothes!), all add up to a very soothing experience.

I’m going to chalk that one up as a win and I need to book in again for the new year.

Friyay

Ah, the blessings of being partly part time mean I’ve a day off. Time to catch up on a few household chores and take that all important break from the pressures of work. The washer has just finished and I’ve had a sort out of the cupboards for old mugs and out of date teas. We do love the tea at Jones Towers!

We don’t have any Christmas decorations up at the mo and I’m wondering if this weekend might be the time to do it.

I’ve also had a quick try on for the Xmas party next week at Chams. I think I’ve narrowed things down to three dresses. I did have a delivery in the week and fussy mare that I am, neither of the two deliveries made me want to keep them. Both were a bit of a shot in the dark, so they can be returned for someone to enjoy via the sales.

Grateful

So it’s been a gift of a few days this time around, and I’m feeling blessed at the moment. Well, as much as a godless nonbeliever like myself can be blessed😉

Yeah, things are sometimes testing and the last few months have given me a few gentle – and not so gentle – knocks to keep the Anxiety Goblins fueled. But, when I think back to the good fortune of the last few days, I feel they have helped draw in the warm sea, so I’m paddling happily, not high & dry.

L x

PS: If you’re curious, the art work is AI generated.