To sway with the wind

Hi,

How’s things? Hopefully less muddled than my current brain state 😁

Keep taking the tablets

So I’ve finished my half doses and I’m now on a regular 20mg tablet. The good news is I’ve been through the pit – over the placebo uplift and back out of the emotional wobble that follows. Hopefully, it’s a steady – if occasionally wobbly – climb that improves.

I am feeling less panicky – which I guess the whole reason I’m back here 😁. I can still feel the pull of runaway worries, but (touch wood) they are not grabbing me or causing my body to go into panic mode. Again, reasons to be cheerful.

I think my sleeping patterns are settling down now and the brain fog seems to be clearing a little as well.

I think the key thing will be to try and take things easy, remember to have breaks, and not take too much on. Perhaps better to sway with the wind than be felled by it.

Queerness

I was reading Pink News and this headline – and quote – jumped out at me:

The idea of queerness is much bigger than sexual preferences, which is something we all need to talk more about

Franz Rogowski [source]

Well, he’s not wrong 🙂 Or, perhaps I should add, IMO.

I guess your opinion on what quantifies being queer is and I’m cognisant that it’s a term that not everyone in the LGBTQ+ community is comfortable with. So it is, I guess, with regained words. I’m certainly of an age where I remember the call of “ya f**in’ queer” being heard in the street.

Ah, the 80s. Such an enlightened and tolerant time! 😉

For me – and it might well be different for you – my queerness comes and goes in terms of its outward visibility.

If I am in Bloke Mode, I can pass as a white, middle-class straight man and all the safety & privilege that entails. I don’t get side-eyed, there’s no cat calling, or slurs muttered in passing.

However, in Lynn Mode it’s another story. I’m conscious of my safety, I am careful where I walk, who I make eye contact with, and how I dress. Might someone grab my handbag, yank my earnings, or grab my wig? That’s before we get into the background fear of being followed in the carpark. So, in this regard, I’m very conscious of what it is to be a person at risk: be they queer, not-white, and/or female.

Inwardly, it’s a near constant presence. It’s there when I see people; when I talk to them; when I mask what I say; to how I move, gesture, and talk. It is as much a part of me as my sense of Britishness, nerd interests, ethics, and upbringing as a straight, white, middle class cisgender male.

I feel my otherness when I talk with others. Can I mention their nails or hair? Is it curiosity and a compliment, or am I That Guy who’s looked past someone’s help and expertise? I try hard to focus on the helpful behaviour first, but I worry.

Likewise when someone in heels sits down and you know they’re glad to be resting their feet. That or they’re too warm with a full face of make-up on. Yeah, been there too! You have my sympathy. But… you don’t want to be weirding people out.

Today, as Child 2.0 and I were served by a very metal gent with green highlights and beach wave curls, I did compliment him. He seemed genuinely pleased, so it’s not just one sided.

I see it in films where there’s no one like me or the leads are firmly in the cishet (cisgender / heterosexual) normality. Representation matters because it helps those usually unseen folk, feel present. It means we do exist and that’s important. Hats off to Russel T Davies for his hard work in making diverse, inclusive, and awesome drama.

So, if there’s a point to this week’s rambling, I would say we’re all queer in some way. Perhaps from an LGBTQ+ point of view, perhaps through neurodiversity or mental health. Yet, we are all people: we feel, we try our best, we get by, and sometimes we hurt.

Perhaps, if others could see that we would just like to be accepted for who we are, that could make a better world.

L x