Hi,
How’s things with you?
For me, this week has been a bit up and down. I nearly said ‘all over the place’, but in truth, I don’t think that’s wholly accurate and feels a shade dramatic.
It’s one of those quiet inbetweeny periods where there’s a slight feeling of being in a holding pattern. That or on a long exit road from the motorway. Not quite there and not quite off either.
Looking at it another way, maybe it’s a winding down of the emotion around the negativity and conflict of the last few weeks? Perhaps the stillness is the absence of that, and it should be enjoyed. Ah, to not live in Interesting Times 🤞
This week, BBC4 broadcast the documentary, Casa Suzanna. If you missed it, UK based folk should be able to find it it on iPlayer. For overseas people, that’s the BBC streaming or ‘catch up’ service. It might be available elsewhere (legally) as well, and will probably appear on YouTube at some point.
I would say it’s very much worth watching, given that it’s about the history of a section of trans folk from the 60s, and where life took them later. As the film points out, little history remains, given the risk of arrest, persecution, or blackmail for trans folk.
While we have moved on from those dark times, I know of folk who come to Chams – and I’ll include myself in this too – who felt the fear of being outed. When you are taking your first steps out, you may not be ready to stand tall and be proud. That’s okay. Confidence may come with time and leaving the internalised transphobia (and associated shame) is not easy. Achievable, yes, but easy? Not always. Luckily, help from friends is available.
I think I burned out midweek due to a lack of self care and regular breaks. As the therapist said about anxiety, a person can run at full speed, but not all of the time. I’m not thinking I’ve been running full speed, but I think I overdid it… and the post stress slump certainly set me back.
It was at this point that the trans cliché of a blue pill resurfaced. Yes, the one in The Matrix were you get to go back to sleep, but it’s been a trope for many a decade before. Where was I? Yes, the blue pill. Maybe not one to put me back under…. mainly because I think realistically, unresolved questions will resurface. Perhaps more accurately, something people. Something in the centre ground that takes the pain off, but doesn’t numb you. Again, back to the old devil, Shame, and the toxic drip of hate from certain powerful quarters.
Moving on….
Thursday I had good long chat with a friend (thank you, Andie 💜) which really raised my spirits. Lots of laughter and good conversation to boot.
Today I got my results back from the GP. Just a health check really and it’s all good news. Certainly not to be sniffed at given the miles on the clock and the model has certainly seen better days 😁 Vintage? No, just knackered 😋
I also managed to find the time – and a gap in the beautician’s diary – to spruce up the old pins. While pages on the calendar change, I am making the most of what I can right now.
Maybe that’s the key to it: just do what you can, while you can.
L x
That bloomin’ black dog gets everywhere, someone ought to keep it in a pen.
Sorry to hear of his visit your way but pleased you got your pins sorted. I learned this week what a difference it can make. I hope it did for you too.
Slow and steady may not win a sprint, but it means you can run for longer distances.
Thanks Joanna. Slow and steady it is. Perhaps with an aim to enjoy the good bits of the journey. 🤞
I’ve recorded Casa Susanna to watch later when I can settle down by myself. However, because it’s been sitting at the top of the recorded library list for the last three days, L asks what it is every time she sees it despite the fact I’ve told her it a documentary about a trans retreat at least twice now.
I’m hoping for some time to myself in the first couple of days next week. It’s been a very long time. So of course this week’s milder weather is about to change.
Not even cheetahs run at full speed for long periods. It’s OK for a sprint but not sustainable for the long haul. (That’s the trouble with Agile working, though: Everything is defined as a sprint, one following after another and that easily leads to a feeling of continual pressure and burnout.)
Good news on the health checkup, Lynn.
Must remind myself of which colour pill does what.
I hope you enjoy the documentary, Susie. I think one review I saw if it, spoke about complexity of people, and I think that’s fair. What I found really interesting, is that it gives a voice to those who were there. Children of those who went and some of the visitors too. It seems rare to see a programme in which trans people are able to speak openly and without having defend their right to exist. I’m looking at you Question Time. 🙄
Fingers crossed for good weather on your days off next week. With a bit of luck, you’ll be able to get out & about.
Yes, good news on the health front, which was a slight worry. Again, only a small weight to carry (emotionally), but they do add up.
The work is Agile and while we’re backlog orientated – apologies for non IT folk reading this – we’re more a virtual team, so classic Sprints aren’t possible. I should point out that my issues are to down with me not taking breaks and doing ‘back to back’ events, not the method of work nor the employer.
As to big cats, I’m more leopard than cheetah and certainly no lion. I can pretty much sleep anywhere and at any time. 😁
I’m sorry to hear how your mood slumped since last week, Lynn. Mood is a hard thing to control since so much of it depends on outside forces over which we have little control. It’s all very well trickcyclists telling people to learn techniques to deal with life’s downs but they rarely provide information on how to deal with threats from the psychos, liars, bullies, shamers, trolls and other malign folk who so often dominate the news, the workplace, the political sphere… You can’t be a shock absorber all the time. I hope reducing your hours will help, and regular care for your girly side, which is what makes us happiest. Hope you’ll feel bouncier next time, especially if there’s a Chams meeting. Wear that knockout frock for extra fem positivity! 🙂 Sue x
Thank you, Sue. That’s very kind of you to say.
I think back to the phrase “I am not my emotions”. While that’s useful to bat away reactions or spikes in emotional behaviour, prolonged events are… well, they can feel like weathering the storm. Still, it can’t be that bad, as I’m not obsessively virtual window shopping. That’s usually a sign something’s rotten in the state of Lynnmark 😉
Besides, I had breakfast out with the Ever Lovely Mrs J, Wee Man joined us, and we had a stroll around a local park. Good for the soul, the heart, and the waistline.
Now, on to the idea of which frock to pack. 👗
Well glad things got better for you towards the end of the week at least.
Do find doing my legs helps, but perhaps that’s just the nice bath that goes with it 🙂 – although managed to cut myself last week.
I have been encouraged by multiple sources to watch Casa Susanna, but as yet not done so.
Perhaps tonight !
Not had a bath in ages – make your own jokes 😉 – given we’ve been saving on running the immersion heater. But, silliness aside, I get your point: a bit of self care and pampering. I have held off shaving so that there was enough growth (ick!) for the wax to grab on to.
Perhaps I need to redo my toenails a fancy colour? 🤔
I’d be interested to hear your – and indeed others – thoughts on the documentary.
Hi Lynn, that running around at the races is a common thing in today’s times. You just have to learn what to give importance to and what to leave aside. But the positive thing is that you listen to your body when it tells you to stop. It’s good that everything is going well in terms of health and I hope it stays that way.
Thanks Jessica. I think I get what you mean about listening to your body. Maybe that with acknowledging it’s time to take your foot off the gas.
I had a big stress/anxiety event about 4 years ago. I am better, but I am not fixed. I am more susceptible to anxiety than I used to be. I am so full of self-doubt. But, I know what anxiety is now, and I know what to do to say, “No, I am not going there!” to my brain.
What has worked for me:
* I had a short run on an anti-depressant to get me out of the hole.
* I met with a counselor for a while, and she taught me to recognize anxiety and how to fight it.
* I started exercising more. I was told to exercise 30 minutes per day such that I am breathing too hard to sing for at least 10 minutes of it.
* I started taking vitamin D.
* I started going to a second counselor when things started getting out of hand again. She taught me mindfulness techniques and breathing exercises.
I’m not a doctor, and I am not sure which of these did more for me than others. So, consult your local physician to find out if Joey’s experience is right for you.
Remember: it is not reality, it is your thoughts and feelings.
At least you know the danger signs and can choose to act. I’m with you on the “I am not my feelings” schtick. Or perhaps more accurately, “I am not my reactions” which may be more accurate and actionable by, ironically, not reacting to them.
I’ve read that exercise can be as good as a mild antidepressant. That and being in nature (woods, birdsong, sunshine, etc) all add to that experience.
I do manage to get out every day, but the struggle is to remember to try and such off, so I’m actually taking in the experience.
I guess that’s one of the good things about having a dogs in your life. You get the pleasure of their company, you do need to exercise then (so by proxy you get it too), and stroking them can be good for bonding & removing stress.
I did have the good fortune to see a counsellor last year and their ideas & wisdom really helped.
Thanks for sharing your experiences and I hope you’re soon free of the anxiety gremlins.