Hi,
This week be a post of two halves. If you can make it a three halves of one, the current UK administration have a job for you in budgeting 😋 Thank you, I’m here all week! Try the vegetarian option! 😉
Introspection
Now if you don’t want to wade through this next chunk of navel gazing, feel free to skip to the end and there’s the usual What Lynn Did Next at Chams stuff. 🙂
I have had another period of time off work. Nothing serious – as in a major physical condition or an ‘episode’ around mental health – thankfully, but a seasonal cold that flattened me. We’ll come back to this in a mo.
Before the above, I had another session with the therapist and we dug into feelings around guilt, me being overly apologetic, and not wanting to offend. Right now I have echoes of Stuart Lee’s beautifully comedic line “the worst kind of BBC liberal apologist idiot“. 🙂 I’ll let you be the judge if dear old Auntie has managed to remain liberal, despite attacks from the current lot and invasion from within. 😉
Where was I? It seems that, during the session at least, I apologise a lot. We dug into this and we did lift the lid on how was growing up for you? In honesty, my folks loved me, we weren’t hungry, under threat, cold, went without, etc. Compared to many, it went pretty well.
The therapist picked up on the ‘we’ element and asked specifically, what about my personal experiences. Ah, there’s the sound of an old trapdoor being pulled open. For anyone who’s watched a horror movie, that metaphor should be writ large 🙂 That and knowing that some doors are locked shut for a reason.
In truth – and there I go nearly apologising again – I have felt like an outsider. My body is male, even if I’m not butch or well built, but in my head and my heart… I’m very much in the middle. I’ve interests, behaviours, and thoughts that would more typically be put in a femme part of the societal Venn diagram. I don’t pick these because “that’s what women do”, but because I naturally lean towards certain things. The fact that certain behaviours and interests are considered female, well, that’s above my pay grade 🙂 I would add, for balance, I love a good fart gag as the next man. Although is that just being childish? 🤔 That or life is too short to be serious all of the time?
All that and having gone to an all boys’ grammar school in the 80s in a small town – Hellooo toxic masculinity! 👋 – I left that feeling, well… wrong and rather stupid. If you’re clever enough to pass the entrance exam – or coached through it – this may not mean you can necessarily keep up with the class. Yet, would I say those words to a friend or family? No and my sister’s children are not academic – skilled, clever, hard-working, yes; but if you judge them by their exams, you’d be missing out on their talents. Applying the same level of self kindness is not always as easy.
We could no doubt have quite the debate on outsiderism, if it’s the individual withdrawing, a social group not accepting, academic failings, or a mashup of those. Whatever the root cause, I learned to mask who I was in order to fit in and not offend or ‘weird people out’. This self checking comes at a cost: the overhead of watching what you say, how you sit, how you walk, and that of not being you. I’ve relaxed on a lot of these, but certainly at work and outside of home, I am hidden. Outwardly, I struggle to say to a colleague that’s a beautiful top, empathising on the pain around heels, or nodding with someone asks why your lipstick vanishes after a coffee. I don’t want to be that creepy guy. Yet the above examples are my experiences. I feel by not sharing, agreeing, or commenting honesty, I am not being fully part of the conversation. The flip side is you – no, I, don’t want to make a conversational opening about me. I think some female colleagues suspect – given my knowledge about makeup – but they’re too kind to say anything.
So how does the above connect with being off ill? I think it comes down to self care, or perhaps more accurately, self compassion. Last week I was listening to a friend say they’d also been off, but had logged on to check email and start a virtual course. Cue a chat about being properly off and them struggling with their feelings of letting folk down. That asked how did I manage and I said I struggled with it too. I added that is easy to say to a friend you should take it easy, but that’s harder to say to yourself.
Perhaps Life was giving me a nudge to think of not judging myself, be a little bit more sensitive to my needs, and ignore the guilt. A person is ill, they need time to recover, and other stuff will have to wait. Indeed along came this article which leads to another about self compassion and motivation. Both worth a read.
Rather than worry, I’ve tried to focus on feeling warm in bed, knowing my family are okay, and that work will wait until I’m back. For self compassion, I’ll do what I can to take care of my needs – cosmetic, health, and mental well-being. If nothing else, the old red & glitter nail varnish looks more seasonal that last time’s pink gel. 🙂
At the group
Thursday night was quite a blessing really. A chance to be with people like me and to be part of our own tribe. No need for pretence or grand standing, just being honest in who we are.
I needed the fashion advice from the Ever Lovely Mrs J about teaming a new paisley top with a red skirt. I was wondering if there was too much red, but she suggested otherwise. I also tried on some leather look leggings, but they did not sit right on my legs and they were too warm. I’ve sent them back and two other items as well.
After giving my main wig a wash recently, I felt it was in need of a visit from the hair straighteners, but that’s a task I didn’t get round to. A hot straighter, a delicate wig, and a sneezing? What could possibly go wrong? 😋 That’ll have to wait until after half-term. So instead, I took my shorter number from yesteryear and on wearing it, I felt a lot more me. The style, the fit, and the colour – I know this is a wig, but that feels like my look. I was also pleased seeing my earnings and Steph from TrendCo had gifted me an eyebrow stencil. That has three plastic stencils in – thin, natural, and thick – and while it takes a bit to line it up, I was really pleased with the result. A more tapered and arched style.
We had a visit from a health professional and they wanted to know what the trans community would need from their services. That prompted a few anecdotes, ideas, and possibly a training event opportunity. The latter would help keep the group’s funds topped up. I updated Val on the funding application I put in and with it being a 500 quid limit – still better than nothing, assuming we get it – it could help us run some free evenings for November and December. Watch this space, I guess.
Two new folk came along and we had returning ‘new’ folk from last time. Oh, a friend happened to share a podcast interview they’d done and there was some truly lovely feedback in that about the group. That certainly put a smile on my face.
Talking of which, someone had put an old office chair in the changing room, so that seemed an opportunity too good to miss for a quick photo. I had planned on moving it into the main room, and offering folk a Dr Evil style photo, however, given two of the wheels had come off (make your own jokes about the government 😋), I thought better of it. Maybe next time.
Oh, talking of photos. If you spot any dead links or missing images in previous posts, please let me know via the contact form. I’m not quite sure what’s happened, but I think a recent tidy up to remove duplicate has, well, the odds were not in our favour 🙂
Given its half term best week, I’ve a few days off booked, so all in all, not a bad way to ease into the weekend.
Stay fabulous,
L x
Wishing you a swift recovery from the cold, Lynn. Most of us feel guilty when we take time off work but do give yourself the chance to feel OK again and, as we’ve seen with Covid, it’s legitimate not to want to infect anyone else so staying away is right. Staying under the covers with a good book and a hot drink is the only moral choice lol!
Lovely outfit for your meeting. It has an autumn look to it and I think the combination works very well. It’s so good to hear that Mrs J is sharing more and more with you and you have her support for your trans life.
Sue xx
Thanks Sue. I think with some colds, when you work from home, it’s a mild annoyance. A few tablets, a hot drink, and keeping away is fine. This was not one of those. 🙂 I slept a lot on the first day and I think that helped. The second day, well, walking up and not feeling so rough was really quite joyous. No shakes, chills, excessive sneezing, etc.
The skirt and shoes I’ve had for a while and I’ve been enjoying trying to mix & match separates. The top is new and while I felt it was perhaps a more ‘with jeans casual number’, Mrs J’s safe advice was right on the money, bless her.
I feel I’m incredibly lucky to have the Ever Lovely Mrs J in my life. Her kind acceptance, wisdom, and awesomeness are, well, I’m not sure sure of the word.
I was listening to a new member talk about their situation at home and as I did, I was stuck by what a huge difference the love & acceptance a partner makes to us. I know it is not easy when a husband leans towards being femme, or a wife leans towards masc.
To any partner who tries to understand and accept, I think they’re doing an amazing thing and it makes such a difference.
Hope the therapy is helping, even if you are having to skilfully avoid opening the trap door.
“The Trap Door” is coincidentally one of my favourite children’s shows of all time 🙂 “Berk! Feed Me!”
Did think you seemed a bit under the weather. I really don’t like dressing when I am, usually end up taking half my makeup around the nose as soon as I blow it for the first time..
Do really like that wig looks great on you, and your outfit was lovely as always.
Haha. Yes, my mind went to plasticine monsters too! “Oh globbits!”
A lot of unloading in this post Lynn, that’s good.
Hurray for self compassion and not worrying about work.
As usual I like your outfit and I think your top and skirt go well together and I like your necklace too.
With regards to the fart gag, it seems it’s a mostly male thing to find farting funny and I often think it could be a giveaway if I was dressed en femme in a room full of women and somebody farted as I’d be the only one smirking.
Take care
Lotte x
I was going to make a joke about “this vehicle is unloading” but that had a double meaning I didn’t want 🙂
I think… I think with the posts at YATGB there’s a level of – I want to say honesty and if not that, openness. What I mean is, and partly why I left social media (other than the hate, d*** pics, failure on safe guarding, and dodgy politics 😉), is a bit wholly true narrative of ‘the best life’.
If folk wish to share or showcase their photos on Flickr, blogs, etc, that’s fine. No judgement here. For me, I got into blogging and stuck with it because there’s a story behind the images, days out, nights out, etc. It’s one of… possibly quiet persistence, struggling occasionally, and, well, trying to get by in a sometimes hostile world.
I’m not saying I have the answers or anything like that. All I try to do here is say I’m a person, a parent, a partner, I make mistakes, and I can only try to get by. It’s not about projecting an image of supreme confidence and ability – one look at the photos should cure you of that 😁 – but that if I can, so can anyone. It’s just about feeling the fear and doing it anyway.
Sorry. Long answer, short question.
…. and I’ve apologised again. 🙂
Thanks for the kind words re the outfit. I think having a few items of jewelry to accessorize with can really add to your look. Part of that is finding bracelets to fit larger wrists (hint: Evan’s) or pieces of a size that aren’t lost on our frame/face.
I’m afraid I did chuckle when you set the scene about being in the room. 😁 Maybe that’s a test for genderfluid versus a need to transition fully? 😉
Sorry about the commenting issue you experienced, Izzy. For some reason, your reply was put into the spam bin. I’ve seen that happen when someone accidentally “double posts” or if they vary an email address/name combination they’ve used before. I guess WordPress can be a bit touchy like that. I have seen my replies on other WordPress sites get stuck if I use any cookie management or adblockers on occasion.
The therapy is helping, thanks. It is around an hour and as you say, there’s a bit of mental tiptoeing going on. At least, a sort of take it gentle and let’s not leap into anything. I mean, from a Chams point of view, I think there’s a level of care going on and it’s important to not leave someone in bits, so to speak, as the evening ends.
“BURK? Where’s my breakfast!” 😁 I bought the DVD for the kids and Trapdoor has aged well. Willie Rushton’s voice works so well with it too.
Yeah, I was not quite 100% but I felt it was important to come along. The group would absolutely have coped without me. It’s more I really wanted to see everyone and have a chat with friends.
Thanks for the kind words about the hair. I think it’s my favourite style and it’s the one that really feels like me. I mean, it just seems to tick all the right boxes on how I see myself and I feels just right. If I actually had hair (!) and was in a position to have it styled, that’s how I’d have it.
No worries, I wasn’t sure if it was just me, I seem to have been very unlucky with IT/Technology for the past week, I might need to sacrifice a goat to the gods at some point. Or at least have another lamb curry.
Glad to hear you are passing on Trapdoor to your kids – I wonder if I am too late to do that with mine 🙂
I am certainly favouring my latest wig over my others, although nice to have some variety available and to spread the wear.
“… sacrifice a goat to the gods…”
You could, although Billi the non-binary god of goats suggests a small donation to Mermaids would work much better and they promise to put in a good word for you 🙂
Too late? Well, if you catch them away from teenage ne’er-do-well levels of ‘Uuuhh, Daaad. Can you just not?’, perhaps it’ll be okay. 😉
I thought the ‘do’ you had on on Thursday looked fab and really suits you.
Masking? Yes, I’ve been feeling that too. I’d tried to cultivate an air of “has an unexpectedly broad area of knowledge”, but even then I hold back in some areas for fear of awkward questions.
Thankfully I can join in the conversations with the office girls at the moment because they’re all watching serial killer documentaries (I don’t watch or like them, but I remember several from the news when I was younger!)
Funny how is more socially awkward that a man might have more than an inkling about certain female experiences, but knowledge of serial killers is more okay! 🙂
Would it be okay for me to ask what type of things you hold back on?
Fashion and beauty mostly. And I’m still cautious exactly what I say about cosplay and dance. (Have I mentioned I have some burlesque training?)
You did mention the burlesque training, yes. Some things I do remember! 🙂
I saw a few folk cosplaying at a convention a few years back and, IMO, the effort they’d put in to their… presentation?… was amazing.
Didn’t you do a Shadowrun Ork cosplay, or did I imagine that?