Strange peace

Hi folks,

Hope you are all keeping well and sane given the lockdown situation.

The last handful of weeks have been rather pleasant, if I’m honest. No commute, the shift of all meetings to online, more time with my family, dog walks at lunchtime in the countryside, and frankly, a lot less stress. Yes, I am working longer hours, but given the location and balance of home/work, I don’t mind.

Perhaps due to the above, and as I was saying to the Ever Lovely Mrs J, I am okay with not going out on Thursdays. That feels really strange to write that! Yes, I’m missing friends there, and the Skype/mobile calls help keep in touch. But, the actual dressing, it’s rather odd to feel a lull in that.

It feels very strange to say that I’m okay with things as they are. If I’m not dressing – and that word seems a little lightweight for what’s really going on in my heart and head – what does this mean for my trans identity?

I guess I’m still who I am and as I’ve illuded to previously, it’s so much more than clothes. My trans nature is still there, but somehow, the pressure seems to have dropped away. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still be happy to get out in Lynn mode, but I’m not feeling trapped in Richard mode. I still think how I’d feel better about my body if my legs were smoother or if my nails were done, but not having those isn’t upsetting me.

Maybe I shouldn’t be looking the proverbial gift horse in the mouth 🙂 It is certainly one less thing to worry about, and for that, I’m really grateful. My home situation is such that there’s nothing I could do about it, and I really feel for anyone who is stuck in that.

Maybe it’s like coming up for air. I’ve said before how having the chance to be all of me really helps, and how not being able to can actually add to the pressure. Yet, with the physical demands of work removed, I’m not gasping at the surface before going back into the depths. Instead, I’m thriving on the surface. I really don’t want to go back to the old world. It seems so counterproductive for what I do, how I work, and how I live.

Stay safe, L x

4 Comments

  1. I can understand how not having to commute has made you feel happier, I’m self employed now and my work has stopped, but I commuted into London of many years and when I stopped I realised just how many hours a week I spent behind the wheel of a car just going to and from work. I am not really able to dress at the moment, and in truth have not been able since the virus struck us. I really struggled at first, but as I have said on my blog, and agreeing with your words, it’s not just about the clothes it’s the inner person, that part of me that is, and forever will be, feminine. Life is tough on everybody at the moment, forgoing a bit of dressing is not much compared with some of the things others are having to endure at the moment.

    I hope you and your family stay very safe and keep well…….

    1. Is it a state of mind thing? What I mean is, reflecting on what you said about the inner person, with the reduction in stress and opportunity, is there now time to think more on who we are, rather than relying on how we look to match the person within?

      Apologies for the mahoosive last line 😁

      PS: yes, all good here, thanks for asking. Hope that’s true for you and yours, Andrea.

  2. The one thing in your post that really stands out for me is how muych MORE work you are doing at home. I left an office job where I had quietly timed my productive hours and they averaged about 5 hours a day. When I became self-employed, I was able to do 10 productive hours a day without overexerting myself. That lack of commute, reduction in moronic colleagues, no interruptions, an environment that I had full control over, all this and more made me realise that homeworking must be the future and it would only take a jolt (like coronavirus isolation, as it happens) to perhaps make more people realise the benefits of working in a familiar safe environment. Hopefully, employees will now demand more time to work at home, thus reducing stress, job dissatisfaction and pollution (and costs) from commuting. Strikes me it’s benefiting you a lot. So here’s to a more homey future (maybe in a nice frock when the family are out). Sue x

    1. I just give a good impression then, because today, I felt like I’d done sack all 😁 But weak jokes aside, when I thought it over in the car (hello, grocery trip), I remembered how there were days in which Nothing Much Happened™️ 😉 Yet – and ProTip for self-esteem/metal health – it’s not always about us, but who we help. At least, that’s what someone shared with me, and I think looking back, I may have helped three people today. Even if it’s the little stuff, you’re still helping.

      I am aware of a few presenteeismists (is that a word? 🤔) at jobs old and new. It’s it wrong to take small delight in knowing this must be doing their nut in? 😛 I am hoping and trying to gently influence things to show the benefits in productivity, efficiency, and all the positives around mood. We can only try.

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