Hope you are all keeping well and sane given the lockdown situation.
The last handful of weeks have been rather pleasant, if I’m honest. No commute, the shift of all meetings to online, more time with my family, dog walks at lunchtime in the countryside, and frankly, a lot less stress. Yes, I am working longer hours, but given the location and balance of home/work, I don’t mind.
Perhaps due to the above, and as I was saying to the Ever Lovely Mrs J, I am okay with not going out on Thursdays. That feels really strange to write that! Yes, I’m missing friends there, and the Skype/mobile calls help keep in touch. But, the actual dressing, it’s rather odd to feel a lull in that.
It feels very strange to say that I’m okay with things as they are. If I’m not dressing – and that word seems a little lightweight for what’s really going on in my heart and head – what does this mean for my trans identity?
I guess I’m still who I am and as I’ve illuded to previously, it’s so much more than clothes. My trans nature is still there, but somehow, the pressure seems to have dropped away. Don’t get me wrong, I’d still be happy to get out in Lynn mode, but I’m not feeling trapped in Richard mode. I still think how I’d feel better about my body if my legs were smoother or if my nails were done, but not having those isn’t upsetting me.
Maybe I shouldn’t be looking the proverbial gift horse in the mouth 🙂 It is certainly one less thing to worry about, and for that, I’m really grateful. My home situation is such that there’s nothing I could do about it, and I really feel for anyone who is stuck in that.
Maybe it’s like coming up for air. I’ve said before how having the chance to be all of me really helps, and how not being able to can actually add to the pressure. Yet, with the physical demands of work removed, I’m not gasping at the surface before going back into the depths. Instead, I’m thriving on the surface. I really don’t want to go back to the old world. It seems so counterproductive for what I do, how I work, and how I live.
Stay safe, L x