With the hot weather, the Ever Lovely Mrs J and I will sometimes take an early walk. Part of me worries that the kids will look in the cupboards. Or, more specifically, the cupboard upstairs where I keep all my Lynn things.
Not the skirts, tops, dresses, and whathaveyou that are mixed in with my bloke things. Because, and let’s face it, they could be Mrs J’s (although we have a different taste in clothes). No, it’s the wigs, the box of tights, shapewear, and heels that their mum has never worn.
When I paint my toes and it’s a few days before I can remove the evidence, what if someone sees?
When I go to Chams or give a talk, what if I meet someone I know?
What if this heatwave continues? How do I balance 100% bloke with needing to express all sides of me?
What if someone sees me when I’m browsing through cosmetics or buying a new top?
What if, what if, what if…..
What if I’d never taken a step outside? What if I’d never been honest with Mrs J? What if I’d never dared start this blog or if I’d not gone to Chameleons?
I’d be poorer for the lack of all that. Poorer for not growing and learning. Finding that it’s not just okay to be trans, but to understand I get a slightly different view of the world. Not better or worse, just different.
What if, that makes it all okay?
What if, I can understand that much in life isn’t forever, but moments to be ignored or enjoyed. The bad and the good.