“Cause I’m in too deep, and I’m trying to keep,
All the thoughts in my head, instead of going under.”

Hi folks,

Deep breath and concentrate, Lynn….

It’s been a bit of a mixed bag since my last blog entry. There’s been some good stuff and some not so good stuff. I’ll get the moaning not so good stuff out of the way and end on a positive note. 😉

Given last week’s mental… issues… I had high hopes for Chameleons this time around. Funny, really; I could have really done with some ‘Lynn mode’ this week, yet it did not come to pass. Or more accurately, not completely. Home was fine, work didn’t hold me back, but the weather – for me at least – was just too much. I was late leaving home and on the way there, I just got hotter and hotter. By the time I arrived, the last thing I felt my body need was to pile on a face full of make-up and don a wig + shape wear for the night. I’m a cold weather bird at heart. Give me log fires, hot chocolate, boots, a good scarf and long walks in the crisp autumn air. Don’t get me wrong, I like a bit of sunshine, but not when it’s blazing hot. Honestly, there’s no pleasing me is there? 😉

Head-wise, I think I could have gone with a bit of glamour or whatever it is that resets the trans switch in me….. and yet, despite feeling rather upset at the disappointment of not doing so, as the evening rolled on, so I started to feel a lot better. I think it was a mix of being with friends and despite being sat around like Chewbacca at a surf contest, I did begin to relax and cheer up. I think it may be because at Chameleons I don’t feel any pressure to ‘man up’ and we can (and do) talk about anything and everything…. sometimes strictly for laughs, sometimes more seriously.

It was probably as I was talking to Alison about how her trip had gone to Sparkle, when I started being a bit more honest. She asked how I was and my brain gave out as I thought about rolling out the usual line of ‘oh, okay really.’ Instead I smiled and said in all honesty, a bit sh** to be honest. Sorry, mrs. So the conversation rolled on and knowing that I’m not alone in trying to keep the British stiff upper lip, helped. Kate (J) had popped in for her second visit and we had a good long natter about various topics: how her transition was going, work acceptance, family stuff (hers and mine), etc. All good – as she would say 😉 Sadly, no sign of Rhi as – like me – the weather had proved too much and I can’t say I blame her.

The Unusual Suspects rolled in later on and conversation, snacks (there goes the diet!) and drinks were the order of the day. At one point, I was talking to Tanya and a thought struck me as we were joking about wedding outfits (no, not the bridal fantasy that some t-folk seem to have), more the struggle to keep the Pink Fog at bay during a social occasion. Those occasions where you are suited and booted, but would feel a lot more comfortable frocked and heeled. (Ed: are those last two even words? 😛). 

Anyhoo, I remember asking: “At what point did a roving eye switch to dress jealousy?“. I think that is one of my main problems…. well, lets not go into the others, there’s only so much bandwidth and time after all, 😉 But jokes aside – and how can I put this? – I do seem women who I think are pretty. Of late though, its less about the fact that they are pretty and more that I am not. Soooo, I think what I need to do is try to stop worrying about what I don’t have, and instead, start looking at what I do. I don’t think it will be easy, but I think it’s the only way forward. 

The other option would be to pursue what I consider to be ‘the impossible dream’ in that given my height, build and bone structure, I’m never going to look girly. I’m not saying that to fish for compliments, I think that you can dress well, you can look good, but…. if I did go full time, I’d never be happy with how I looked. It’s more to do with were I am mentally, that how I look. Even if there was some magical / sci-fi transformation system, and the gender fairy waved her magic activation console and I was 100% female I’d still not be happy. No doubt in part that I know that I’d have to leave my family and they mean too much to me to do that. I need to try and become comfortable with who I am, again. 

So, a poor start week-wise, but ending on a good note. Fingers crossed the good mood will continue into the weekend. I’ve a new mobile to play with, I’m off on a course next week and the weather’s taken a turn towards the cooler. All good stuff really.

Thanks for reading,

[ Today’s lyric: In Too Deep by Sum 41 ]


  1. Life is very tricky at times. I find myself avoiding situations where the jealousy will hit. Sadly it's both the outfit and the way others look which now hurts. I am not sure I would be entirely happy with how I Ilooked if I switched but I am starting to look beyond that. Just to be recognised as female would be enough. That said, the cost, as you mention seems so very high, heads you lose, tails you lose.

    It's not all doom though, the support and love from the ones closest helps ~ as does the chance to live more openly and honestly. Telling people has really helped me. I guess we all have to find a way time cope. I hope the black dog passes soon for you.


  2. Hey Lynn

    The Black Dog does take time to go, but it will go.

    the months and years of sleepless nights, the simple inability to think because you're just knackered.

    it gets better, at some point you'll come out if it a much stronger person.

    you're slim & your face shape works for being a girl. You're georgous & dont need to put yourself down.

    People compliment me for having laser & my own hair. But I honeslty think I took a good fall out of the ugly tree & hit every branch on they way down.

    A is going through the same things; it does honestly get better though. stick with it and with the people that are important to you.

    As Becca said, telling people has really helped, the lying & deceit just gets to you in the end.

    Take care & don't sweat the little things – see you next time.

    1. Hi Sarah,

      It's a lot better than it was. I'm no longer in Robot Mode and I can't put into words how good it feels to be away from that set of dead feelings.

      Thanks for the kind words, although I do think you're being too hard on yourself. I don't say that as a cheap come back, but seriously; I think we are our own worst critics sometimes.

      I guess I'll get there in the end, but I'm impatient at the best of times! 🙂

      See you soon,
      L x

  3. I know exactly how you feel Lynn – I needed some Rhi time with other people so badly. It was such a frustrating experience to not be able to stop my face from pouring sweat so that I could look pretty. I want to have the 'glowing' app installed instead of the horrible, sweats like a man 2.0 version I currently have. To steal some IT parlance.

    I feel better now, but if we are dispensing with the need to 'man up' for the purposes of these conversations, I spent the evening instead feeling glum and shedding tears. Last week was particularly tough and some female time would have been a perfect antidote.

    1. Sorry to hear that it didn't go to plan. It was far too hot wasn't it. Still, summer doesn't last all year and with a little luck, there will be other chances.


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