I’ve stared at this browser window for a while now and the creative juices aren’t just with me tonight.
It seems the pendulum of acceptance – to use a slightly bonkers image – has swung the other way. P. is, as you may have read, on the chopping block at work and she’s really worried. I’m doing a 120mph at work and things seem to be piling up. My job is frankly, doing my head in. I really feel for P. but not having been laid off, I don’t know exactly what she’s going through. All I can do is listen. I hope that’s enough.
I upset her last night by leaving with my face on and dress underneath my male clothes. The light nights don’t make a crossdresser’s life easy do they. 🙂 In hindsight, I think it would have been better to have gone and come back in bob mode. When I got back she seemed pretty jolly, but I’d not got all the mascara off and that (understandably) freaked her out.
Now, I’m hoping that the conversation we then had was increased by the looming redundency. But, underneath the all the trans-I’m-a-bird whatnot, I’m a guy and we’re not that good at reading between the lines are we. Hell, I struggle with cooking instructions most days. 😐
So we seem to be drifting towards the iceberg of ultimatiums and I’m napping at the helm. I have cut down. Heh, makes me sound like a junkie doesn’t it? 🙂 Somewhat oddly, the phrase “I could stop if I wanted to” is hollow. I’ve tried in the past and it didn’t work. I’m sure a few of you have been through that. Sure, you can deny yourself for a bit, but being trans is more than just clothes and nice shoes (ooo, shoes). It goes right to the core of your being. You’re not like other men; how many of you have stood in a pub with your straight mates and wondered just how men can get excited by sport or cars? You’re interested in looking good, (vanity?) and I mean that in boy or girl mode. Maybe it’s just me. [shrug].
Navel gazing aside: I guess what it really comes down to, is that I want my cake and eat it. I don’t want to lose my family. Equally, I know that stopping isn’t an option and it’s foolish to lie to myself, or P., that I can.
On a positive note – and it’s always good to end of a ray of light isn’t it? – it is the bank holiday weekend (wooo, no work and family time!) AND we’re all of on holiday soon. I can’t wait to get away.
Take care and have fun.