Hi,
In a sci-fi quote from yesteryear, “fear is the mind killer”; or, in my case, tiredness does me creativity in 😉 So you’re going to have to put up with some random guff, because for whatever reason, an insightful post is not going to happen.
Regular readers would call this ‘another typical post’ 😉
Reclaiming popular
This is going to be somewhat tongue-in-cheek, so feel free to skip this if this is not your bag.
I happened to spot a few articles about the rise of charismatic populists and their somewhat slippery grasp of both facts and the real world. Due to middle aged brain fog and occasional ditz moments, I do depend on my trusted and informed adviser, the Ever Lovely Mrs J. Now, given she’s having a much needed rest at the mo, I’m free to roll out my political agenda here on YATGB. I shall leave it in your good hands, to see if any of the follow require fact checking and/or supervision from a grown up helper 😁
Firstly, I think we need to reclaim what’s popular. There seems to be a long list of things that populists claim are popular, but on listening to friends, family, colleagues, or the public; there’s an even longer list of what is truly popular, and I think we’re missing out.
To support this, YATGB – Yet Another Transgender Blog – will rebrand to become the world’s first fully popular party. The new acronym will stand for Yet Another Team of Blowhards.
As YATGB comes to power, we will start on the following:
- Everyone will get their birthday off as paid holiday. If you can’t take that day – for whatever reason – you can bank it, taking it when you can. Or, if things are really tough, your employer will pay you for it, and if they’re a tax paying and ethnical business, they can claim that back off the new government.
- Non-ironic 1980s themed moustaches will be given a health warning if displayed in a built-up environment. However, special permits are available to those who’s facial furniture is proven to enhance society. For example, Mr Tom Selleck, Sir Henry Cavil, and Lord Chuckle will automatically qualify for the Order of the Nose Underline Society (OoTNUS or ‘oh tunas’).
- Children will be given free school meals and this will be paid for by billionaires. The bonus of this is the UK’s water shortage will be resolved by the soon to be implemented ‘cry me a river’ national song day, where the tears of the obscenely rich will be collected, processed, and released back into the water cycle.
- All members of government will be required to list and wear a badge from any think tank, influencer, and/or lobby group.
- Owners of water companies will be required to perform twice yearly cold water swims in any of the rivers that fall in their catchment. It is not permitted to wear a diving suit or attend in a personal submarine.
- People caught keeping their money off-shore will spend a week under the expert eye and education by The Justified & Ancient Panel of Grandmothers. They will need to explain themselves and may be subjecting to motivational talks, where gran’s not angry, just disappointed.
- Remote meetings will be encouraged where suitable for business & government. Training will be provided to help avoid Nostril Inspection video calls, which will help put young folk into work, and bring us oldies up to speed. Additionally air travel & Chelsea Tractors will be taxed heavily, and the latter will be used to subsidise electric vehicle car chargers and reduce tram & rail fares.
- Media companies caught making stuff up will need their CEO and chief editor to attend a meeting in London, Birmingham, Cardiff, and/or Edinburgh, but may only attend by public transport. The meeting may move locations, subject to dice. Not attending will result in a large fine and having to sing the song “Yes we, made it up now, and you know what, we will learn what’s wrong” to the tune of Tip Toe Through the Tulips.
- To reduce environmental impact, all clothing retailers will be required to implement a new measuring scheme. The ‘five sizes’ model will include a variety of body shapes for men, women, the undecided, the gender fabulous, children, and people who identify as folk-who-just-want-some-trousers-that-fit. Ditto for shoes and underwear. Tights will need to become recyclable to avoid landfill, and anyone caught saying “one size fits all” will need to explain themselves to the Justified & Ancient Panel of Grandmothers.
- All building and/or town planners will be required to travel through a virtual reality of their proposals. This includes tests for being in a wheelchair, pushing a pram, carrying shopping, riding a mobility scooter, and doing the same in & out of fancy shoes. Additionally, buildings will be checked to ensure they are not freezing cold in winter or boiling hot during the summer months.
- Angry men who can’t be trusted will be shown a series of virtual reality scenarios, which will be used to discern if they might fall victim to Carry On Patriarchy syndrome during real-world events. Those affected by the disorder will be accompanied by a Lady Of A Certain Age to ensure appropriate social responses. Repeat offenders will be wearing a ‘lucky dip’ from the one-size-fits-no-one clothing bin. Offenders will also pay 25% more for all food and drink in retail outlets.
- A yearly Pet Tax will be introduced. However exceptions for people who supported an animal shelter, obtained their pet from a registered pet rehoming service, or who provide pet petting days at their local community centre and/or retirement home will be exempt.
- Second & third home owners will benefit from a new occupancy relief system, where those without a home will be able to register and look after said property at no charge. Additionally, money put into building barracks and hotels for people fleeing persecution & war, will be put into communities to make new and affordable housing across the country. NIMBY protesters will attend an Integration Event Meeting, in which they will listen first hand to the experiences of the people new to the area. Repeat offenders will be banned from food, music, media, fashion, and any culture influenced by any people who arrived in the UK after 5,415 BCE. After two weeks of nothing but bad oatmeal and animal hide drumming, people will be eligible for a calming cup of tea and a sit down with a sympathetic member of the Justified & Ancient League of Diverse Grandparents.
- To address the mental health crisis, the new government will implement a systematic review of schools and businesses. Namely, are people having their needs met, and/or are organisations being d*cks to people? Appropriate training will be provided to organisational management as required to bring in kinder culture.
I think that’ll do for starters. If you’d like to join YATGB and suggest your own super-popular ideas, please do 😉
L x
All very sensible, but some of us try to ignore our birthdays and treat them as a normal workday.
Although with added cakes, of course.
Should we rebrand as Treat Day? 🤔 Given a treat may not be cake, and/or celebrated by the individual? 🙂
Well, given that you head the Chameleons, I thought this anecdote, adapted accordingly, might be the most apt response to this post:
I was trekking through Nottinghamshire and there was a colourful lizard on her hind legs telling jokes and making witty comments.
I turned to a local and said, “That lizard’s really funny.”
The local replied, “That’s not a lizard. She’s a stand-up Chameleon.”
Have a good weekend.
Sue xx
Ba-dum-tish 😁 Thanks, Sue. Enjoy your weekend too.
“And she’s here all week, folks. “Just warning you.”
Thank you, I’m weak all here 😉
Lynn, I fully support this bold new YATGB administration.
I’m especially impressed by your innovative “cry me a river” water-management strategy. Who knew the path to national sustainability ran through billionaire tear ducts? Frankly, it feels like the first infrastructure plan with both moral clarity and excellent hydration potential.
Also, I applaud the Justified & Ancient Panel of Grandmothers. As a lifelong avoider of disappointing any grandmother anywhere, I can confirm this is the single most effective deterrent policy ever proposed. Forget fines, one raised eyebrow from a cardiganed elder, and offshore accounts will return onshore faster than you can say “I’ve made poor choices.”
And yes, please sign me up for the ‘folk-who-just-want-some-trousers-that-fit’ sizing initiative. It’s long overdue, and I suspect future archaeologists will thank you for bringing an end to the Age of Perpetual Waistband Guesswork.
Brava, Minister Lynn. When your government forms, I’ll happily vote for you, assuming I can do so via remote meeting that doesn’t involve a nostril close-up.
Lotte x
For some of the billionaire attendees, we may have to run night-time events, as some of them don’t have a reflection and have SUVICS – Severe UV Intolerance & Combustibility Syndrome 😉 I guess that’s why so many are looking at retreat bunkers? I mean, why else would you want to shy away from the sun? I would recommend Eau de Garlic parfum for all supervisors, though. 😉
Thank you for confirming your vote, Lotte. If it’s okay, I’ll pop you down on the folk to interview, around leading the Trousers-That-Fit taskforce.
Litany against fear: good advice. Having read, and re-read Dune many times I’ve even recited my own version in stressful situations.
More to the point, though: David Lynch’s version or Denis Villeneuve’s?
Hi HueD. Welcome to YATGB 👋
As to Lynch or Villeneuve: “yes” 😁 Less flippantly, I think they are both different beasts and I’ve enjoyed both at different times.
Lynch’s seems rooted in the 80s, which means physical practical effects that may limit certain scene choices. There’s still his trademark take on things, though. Not that a film is about FX, it’s more there’s some things you can write about and imagine. It’s another thing to make that happen on screen.
Villeneuve’s looks beautiful and given the change in culture plus what’s possible cinematically, the story feels different. Plus, it’s a series of films, rather than compressing and ditching certain parts.
What about you?