Hi,
Okay, I am not going to leave today’s post until my brain fails, and I’m left thinking…. well, not actually thinking. Just ‘muh’, which is a close cousin of ‘meh’, but is decidely more switched off. The lights are on, etc.
‘Ucknull
This week the BBC released the dramatisation of Paris Lees’ book, What It Feels Like For A Girl. It’s available on iPlayer and yes, I’ve just finished watching it. It is… quite the ride and certainly one not for certain auidences – perhaps despite the lead character, Bryon’s, young years of fifteen when we first meet him.
The cast, writing, and production are amazing, and – if I may – this shines through even in the harrowing parts of the drama. It is not always easy viewing, but I would throughly recommend you watch it. It is amazing to have the voice of a trans writer and to see so many queer characters represented.
Proverbially speaking, I felt the sun and the rain, in seeing the city represented: the good and bad. Indeed, it’s that element – along with the violence and other abuse, that was difficult. Not just from that empathy thing for the characters, but there were times when events were a little too relatable. Ah, the joys (!!) of post-industrial small towns eh? I am so grateful I survived and escaped.
For anyone reading who wants to say ‘snob’ at this point, good luck babes. There may be some reading this who remember the abject horror of the phrase “But school days are the best days of your life“, and you’ll know what I mean. School ‘culture’ in the 80s had – at least for me – a near constant fear of violence, verbal abuse, and rampant homophobia. Getting into my late teens, a Friday or Saturday night out was a new set of rules: Don’t go to certain pubs; don’t look at certain people; and for the love of pink, blue, and white, do not look odd…. or queer. Above all else: “Do. Not. Look. Other.”
Night City was like a deranged experiment in social Darwinism, designed by a bored researcher who kept one thumb permanently on the fast-forward button…
William Gibson, Neuromancer (1984)
^^ The above except reversed 😏 A dead-end town stacked with pubs. A population bored yet stressed by the slow collapse of post-industrial Britain. An oppurtunity to drink as much as they can between 7PM until closing time at 11. Depressed? Drink up, yoof. Anxious? Don’t be a poof, have a drink. Something wrong at home? Get this down yer neck, it’ll be fine. Anger is an energy and all energy needs to be released. What could possible go wrong?! 😁
But…. you survive. You leave. You try not to look back. When you see things that remind you? You nod, knowingly; tell yourself it’s not like this now. You have friends, you are loved, you have family, and you have chosen not to be like the thugs and the bullies. Instead, to stand gently, raise the proverbial middle digit, and say I am queer. I am neurodiverse. You don’t get to define me and mine.
Quieting the noise
With the employment situation still wobbling along, a long gap between Chams, a not-always-so-gentle-jolt of old history; I was in need of some self-care. Usually Friday would be a cleaning day, but as the Ever Lovely Mrs J pointed out, it wasn’t like I hadn’t been on top of things previously. So, I dared to dream that I might go a stretch my legs in Lynn mode. It was quite the last minute decision as I don’t try to squeeze in a trip out with school runs, home stuff, and the rest.
But, the Fates smiled and I made my way out. Firstly, apologies for the awful picture. Well, the awful quality, the subject always looks like that! 😉Maybe I need to replace the mirror in the hall with a full length one, rather than the tiles. That or learn to find a shop that has a suitable one instead. But needs must, etc.
I didn’t think I had time to make it to Leicester and back, nor the city; so I went to nearby suburb to have a wonder about. I had planned to get a coffee, but I felt I was against the clock, so that didn’t happen. I did enjoy a slow wander through the local park on the way to the shops, though. You can’t see in the photo, but I’d gone with some wedge espadrilles. I could have done ‘Birkies, but there’s the time to do ones toes and to clean them off; so, again, that didn’t happen 🙂
I did enjoy the late Spring sun on my face and the wind in my (new) hair. I was glad that I hadn’t taken a cardy as it was warming up nicely. I was still surprised to see a lot of folk in coats (nesh buggers 😉), so I was a bit worried that I might stand out….. Well, y’know: a six foot bloke in a maxi dress really blends in otherwise, right? 😁
As usual, everyone was lost in their own little world or conversations: some in pairs, some on their phones. With that mind, I didn’t get any trouble which is reassuring in this current time. There was no higher, no lesser conversation than when I’m out in Richard mode, so make of that what you will.
Nothing caught my eye in any of the charity shops, so that’s money saved. I did spend on new body tape, a cosemetic sponge, and a foundation brush. The latter has ‘gone home’ so to speak, and is shedding fibres which make me look like I’ve a whisker problem. I mean, I do; but who wants to be reminded of it! 😉
So, yeah, it helped to get out. It helped settle the noise in my head and unwind the twist of tension that had been building over the last few days.
Whatever you’re up to, I hope it goes well.
L x
Lovely to see you out and about, Lynn, and glad it was a nice time even if it could have been longer (it could always be longer!) Love the top, but then you do choose my kind of style so often! New haircut seems to be working, too.
I’m back home in Italy and you can’t watch BBC here so maybe there’ll be a DVD of Ms Lees’ drama one day. The realities of trans life are what they are, and they’re not usually good. I will shortly be posting about autobiographical graphic novels by an Italian trans woman about her journey that are also harrowing and distressing in parts. It’s not easy, is it? Maybe these stories move the compassionate and humane but they don’t seem to get through to the powerful, unless there’s some gain for them in votes or cash. And no, I’m not being cynical.
Have a nice weekend.
Sue x
Felt good to be out, thanks Sue. Yes, not long but at the same time, too long can be hard on the feets 🙂
If you have a TV licence for the UK, you could probably watch it. I’m not sure how strictly the BBC control/monitor iPlayer. I did note the series was in conjunction with ITV, so perhaps it’ll make its way to another steaming service.
I’ll look forward to your post about the graphic novel. On that note, I forget where I read it, but I think Paris opined that there is no single trans story, they’re not monolithic; they’re all varied – which I think makes a lot of sense.
This is my first time reading and commenting on your blog. I’m a friend of Sue Richmond and I am just dipping a toe in the world of blogging myself.
It’s nice you got some time to get out and about, and it’s good that things seem OK out on the world, despite the scary things happening at the moment. I’m looking forward to viewing the What It Feels Like For A Girl series, when I can find a time when I can watch it alone. My wife can sometimes react a bit negatively to trans related stuff, and the subject matter may be a bit much for her. I am looking forward to it, although I believe it’s a bit of a wild ride and harrowing at times. I can imagine it being set in your home town must feel a bit strange.
Hi Deeanna. Welcome to YATGB 👋 and thanks for taking the time to comment. Good luck with your blogging.
FWIW, my experiences out & about have been neutral and positive – if that makes sense. I can think of one two negative encounters over the last fifteen years or so. I will take that as both luck and a good thing, that most folk are kind and okay about trans people. Yeah, there’s some bad behaviour at times, but I see that if I’m out in bloke mode to the same amount.
The series is on iPlayer, so you’ll got plenty of time to watch it. It is explicit and there’s some harrowing scenes in it. But those moments are (IMO) handled well by the production and they are very much part of the story. As Lees’ has pointed out, the ‘trans story’ is not a monolith, so the story of Bryon is just that: a story about him, based on Lees’ experiences. It’s not my story – by all that’s fabulous, a good job, ‘cos it would be uneventful 😁 – but it is Lees’ story and I think it’s vital that her voice is heard.
As to the home then situation, some of it is filmed in the city. Given the march of time – and, excuse me while I get my political soapbox ready 😉 – a decade of managed decline through austerity and government-by-clowns, has seen the city lose certain landmarks. The Broadmarsh Centre for one, and that included the main bus station for the city.
On the upside of the city, some parts are behind renewed, and they’re making the best of it
Hi Sue,
we watch it on our streaming service on the fire stick. we also have recording facilities on an app [name redacted]. It’s about 8 euros a month. Gets all the major UK as well as others across Europe. What it feels like for a girl is fabulous and for some reason has given me a confident stride when out and about, given what we have been through lately.
Lynn, did the drama have any effect on your mindset, like it did me?
Apologies, Carla. I’ve edited your comment to remove the name of the app. I’ve had a look and the company has been involved with the Spanish police.
I’ll just pop my IT Security hat on 🎩 A polite note about streaming services. While many streaming services are legitimate and legal, there are some that rebroadcast content or offer bypasses to location blockers. Please do be very cautious of vendors offering these, and if the service feels dodgy or too good to be true, keep your data (and credit card) safe and don’t sign up. I would say read up on any app you hear of, or if the company has been in the news.
Carla – yes, the drama poked a few memories that I didn’t need poking. Nothing horrible, but certainly some discomfort.
This really resonated. That “don’t look other” mindset? Yeah. That was drilled into me early too. Blend in. Don’t draw attention. Keep your head down and just survive. And even now, decades later, I still catch myself carrying that weight—without even realizing it.
Reminded me how much those old instincts shape us, even in the quietest moments. Just going out, existing, not hiding—that’s huge. Even if it looks simple from the outside.
Oh, it must definitely isn’t easy, as you rightly point out.
For me – and as I can’t be that unique, probably others too 🤔 – the idea of masking everything to -ahem- pass as vanilla; that’s just stifling. FWIW, been there, bought, and had to return the T-shirt 😁 – I just couldn’t do it. They say “the truth will out” – maybe that’s true of a person’s nature as well.
The one saving grace – though I probably didn’t see it as such at the time – of school uniform was that it was hard to look Other. Not that it stopped a few more adventurous and creative souls in the 6th form from trying. Girls could rebel by hiking their skirts above the knee.( Sometimes well above the knee). There is only so much you can do with a school tie.
By which time it was the late 60s/early 70s and looking different – at least to your parents – was de rigeur, and long hair, flares and flowery shirts were in. Which was OK until punk happened and if you didn’t demonstrate your individuality by dressing in a particular tribal uniform you could get beaten up. (Unless you hung out in the anarcho-punk-hippy crossover scene in Ladbroke Grove where gender expression seemed almost as as free as the dress code.)
I haven’t seen What It Feels Like For a Girl yet. I’m hoping to catch up on iPlayer., though I’m warned parts of it might be uncomfortable.
Good to see that you managed to get a day out and hoping it helped. Weather and health problems (both of us) have conspired against Susie time over the last month.
Oh I hated school uniform. The itchiness of it, the restraint of bad tailoring; but possibly most of all, the bleak monochrome homogeneity of it. Ah, a cocktail of trans related distress at having to be in a suit and some unknown neurodiversity triggers for fabric! 🙂 So glad those days are over 🙏
Yeah, tribes and music. Funny how they had a uniform of sorts as well. Some more than others. Some seemed “anti pattern” in the aim was wear what you like. But then I think – like all youth and/or counter culture movements – they mutate as the next generation steps in, and makes things their own.
I would say give “What It Feels Like…” a watch. It is very graphic in places and yet such dark moments are done well. They are there as they move the story along and aren’t in their for the sake of shock or ‘being edgy’. If anything the bad experiences explain why the characters do what they do. Ultimately, it’s uplifting and folk escape from their situation. But Disney this is not. If you were okay with the BBC remake of Interview with the Vampire, I dare say you’ll be okay on this.
Mind you, Disney+ bought and released Pistol. The latter being filmed by Hulu based on Steve Jones* book, Lonely Boy: Tales from a Sex Pistol. That’s an amazing series; not always easy to watch, but great viewing.
( * No relation 😁 )
I hope the weather and health issues improve, so you can get some time out too! 🤞
I’ve only fast forward previewed feels like for a girl.
I’d hoped to watch it with Mrs Jiggle. Sadly I think it supports her view that is trans folk are all dangerously adventurous.
Poor little Paris she’s done some horrific things but come out the other side safely enough.
I think she is one of the lucky people.
The police man scene is particularly scaring.
If you get chance to, do give it a proper watch. It is, as you point out, scaring in places.
I remember Paris coming to Nottingham to give a talk about her experiences growing up. She said enough to drive home how bad it was at times, and also that she got away to become who she needed to be.
That’s a comment from her about the series, in which Paris says there’s isn’t a single trans coming out story. At the risk of sounding like a sound bite, Paris’ story is hers and just hers. It doesn’t make it any more or less valid than mine, yours, or another trans persons; it’s just different and unique to her. That she’s been able to write about it and bring it to the TV on her terms, that’s a good thing.
As to ‘danger’ well don’t many folk do things considered so during their early years as a teen or adult?
I was not coping well with being T-something-or-other in the 80s, so I would drink to forget my troubles during my teens. I think I can see how not having the support and/or acceptance you need, can lead to some unhealthy – even dangerous – coping mechanisms.