Hi,
Ah, Friday at last. I am much improved after a night out to Chams. Whatever pressure release value is activated by that, it certainly does the trick.
Fighting the good fight
Conversely, and if I’m honest, Thursday morning was not altogether great. Not The Brown Stuff Has Enterted the Rotating Ventilation Device levels of bad, but all the same, I could’ve done without it 🙄 I say this as writing helps me process things, but I think it also shows that we all wobble a bit from time to time. So it was that as I sat drinking my morning coffee before the school run, I could sense a two horse race between Too Hot To Do Owt* and Breathe the Pressure. Feel free to imagine a sports’ person commenting on that 😉
[ * Owt – Nottingham terminology for the word ‘anything’ ]
So, yeah, the worry – which is not quite the right word, but it’ll do – that time out & about in Lynn mode out won’t come to pass. I suppose that worry mutates into frustration – or the feeling of being denied, even – the choice to be me. It’s an somewhat odd statement to write because I don’t sit watching the clock, thinking oh, I’ve been in Richard mode for eight days now. I think it’s more a gradual ratchetting up of some unseen – but sadly too knowable – source. After a week or so of being just him, in order to keep my proverbial cool, there’s a requirement to be her. Or, more accurately and equally nonsensically, all of me. Such are the quirks of being genderfluid and/or trans, I guess! 😁
All this was post-waxing as that was earlier in the week. The good news about deWookiefication is that mix of validation, pamper time, feeling right in one’s own skin, and the cherry on top of not upsetting the Ever Lovely Mrs J. That’s a cocktail of awesome that keeps the Dysphoria Beast at bay. Well, mostly 😏 I thank my lucky stars that I’ve got this luxury, as while it’s not a panacea, it is certainly less bag of large and heavy rocks of woe to carry around.
While I don’t want to speak on anyone’s behalf, I do think that I can’t be the only person who gets the above – if that makes sense. I guess each of you will have your own take/story/experience, but there may well be some commonality. Equally, if it’s painful to go there; don’t 🤗
Chams
To torture the earlier racing metaphor a little more maybe there was a dark horse coming in on a surprise first, called Yea Didnae Need Tae Worry, Ya Daft Ned. Vernacular aside, it’s the old Mark Twain quote, and one I try to reflect on, pushing against the feelings of this is going to happen! and trying to acknowledge those, yet keeping my mind open to uncertainty. More a case of it might be, rather than it will.
Anyway! Chams 🙂 Traffic went okay and I had a good chat with my parents on the way. I arrived at the Centre before the choir evening – I didn’t know there was one booked – so parking wasn’t an issue. Val managed to grab the last space, and I think folk had started to drift away as the rest of the Thursday night massive rolled in.
We had some new folk come along and it was really interesting to listen to their experiences. It can be a tricky thing welcoming people in. It’s that need to get it right around giving them space and not leaving them, so they feel left out. I put my Social Butterfly badge on and conversation became easier as each person opened up about their reason for coming, their interests, and other topics.
Outfit-wise I had the usual ‘failover’ option of have two, wear one 🙂 With the Centre’s A/C running in the main room, getting changed & made-up wasn’t bad, thankfully. I did manage to apply some sixty second nail polish on my toes, which felt like a wee treat.
The leggings are last year’s, while the top and shoes are new to me. The former was a gift from the Ever Lovely Mrs J’s clear-out, and the sandals were a bargain from Vinted. I also found a second – okay, third! – set of hip pads and shorts in the cupboard. These seem to have a finer mesh around the tum, and a lace finish around the thighs. As such, they didn’t feel as warm – even under leggings – so perhaps these might become my summer pair. A lucky find indeed!
Talking of luck, I had forgotten the cropped leggings, so I’ve sent back a recently ordered pair, as I don’t need them. Gah, I should really take stock of what’s in the draws and make the wardrobe at home, dedicated to Lynn stuff. Then, if it’s not mixed up with my drab gear, it should be easier to find things. Something to do on a quiet – and cool – day I think
Pride
I couldn’t make the Notts Trans Pride this year. Not that I’ve been before and honestly, I feel attending in Dad Mode Disguise isn’t quite right. That, I should add, says more about my unfounded worries than anything I’ve heard or read.
However, on the 26th July, it’s Notts Pride, and I’m hoping to attend that. Fingers crossed eh!
Stay cool & fabulous!
L x
That feeling of gradual ratchetting is a good way to put it, Lynn, and you’re definitely not the only person who feels that sense of.. tension? and the need to unwind, even if it can only be a little at a time, to stop something breaking. (A possible Susie day tomorrow has just been dashed with L perhaps wisely deciding not to brave the heat for a day out, so a snatched couple of hours this morning will have to suffice.)
Good for you and the Social Butterfly badge. (Do they do a Wallflower one, to go with an outfit that blends into the wallpaper?) It is an art judging how much space or attention new people need to open up or just sit and feel accepted or get over their first time nerves.
xx
Ratcheting: thank you. That’s the word I was after. Well, at least we’re not alone in being crackers eh? 😁
Sorry to hear the option of a longer period hasn’t come to pass. I guess it feels like snatching at moments at times. 🙃
Well, you’ve seen the paint on the wall a fair few times, so you may well be able to find a suitable set of troos & top to blend in! 🙂
I wasn’t aware there was a badge on offer. I feel quite chuffed now 😉 I don’t know if it’s the right way and/or the only way, but the trick seems to be to ask a question where you don’t have an answer. If that makes sense. I remember someone telling me that oftentimes, some folk are often more interested in what they’ll say next, rather than listening to the answer.
I know it takes practice and I know I don’t always get it right. But, being able to spot “ooo, I want to say this…” can be useful, if you can pause, keep listening, and save the question/statement for if it helps bring the conversation on.
Nice look for summer, Lynn. Very cute.
The Trans Pressure Valve is a serious topic and I guess we all find our own way and timescale to open the valve regularly to stop any explosion. You’ve got a good system going with regular Chams and waxing trips, with other opportunities dotted about. A good release on the valve about once a week on average. Just what the doctor ordered. So if I may naughtily quote out of context from that old classic, Carry On Crossdressing:
Kenneth Williams: “You may not realise it, but I was once a weak man!”
Hattie Jacques: “Once a week’s enough for any man”.
Have a nice weekend.
Sue x
Thanks, Sue. The -ahem- ‘right to bare arms’ helped keep me cool, as did the shorter leggings.
The Trans Pressure Valve does indeed seem a thing. I wonder if there’s a fancy term from more learned sectors? Partly as I’m curious about language, and also if there’s a term; I would hope there’s valid evidence to accompany it. Bit for now, TPV will have to do 🙂
Timing around the TPV is complex. You’re right that there’s Chams on a regular schedule. Occasionally there’s a three week gap, as we meet on the second and fourth Thursday of each month. Likewise, hot weather, holidays, family stuff, etc; can impact attendance too.
Part of me would like to know what drives the TPV to build and build. I’m aware of my personal impacts, such as:
All those and if it gets bad, I know I become a mix of despondent and even irritated at myself. The latter turning to perceived shortcomings about my brick shape, face, etc.
Of course, the answer is to find trans joy where you can and hold on to it. That can include breathing happy for others and, as I tell myself frequently “this too will pass” ❤️
The weird pressure buildup, the need to just be again—not halfway, not in disguise, but all of me? Yeah. That part hit hard.
It’s wild how something as simple as getting dressed up, painting your toes, or catching up with people who get it can help untangle all that static in your brain. I’m so glad Chams gave you that exhale moment. 💜
Also: you are not the only one who spirals a little when the “him” days stack too high. Been there, babe. Sending hugs and glitter and all the euphoria you can carry.
Thanks Michelle. Untangle is an excellent choice of word, if I may say. Absolutely that bound and twisted up feeling, where what you need is to unwind and get away from that tension.
Glad some new folk turned up, maybe we need to gate crash the choir one time 😂
Sorry couldn’t make it, I hope to be at the next one
Hope your pressure relief valve doesn’t melt in all this heat !
Always good to welcome new folk and see established members too 🩷 I hope whatever you were up to, went well. I’ll catch up with you next time 🤞
The choir – as much as I’ve heard – sound very good.
We did have a meeting many years ago, which coincided with a visiting set of -ahem- ‘vocalists’. The word singers might not pass the Trade Descriptions Act 😉 They’ve not returned. Perhaps because the local fields are now free of birds 😜
As to heat, currently enjoying it not being Arakis 😁