Hi,
Thoughts arrive like butterflies, so goes the old grunge anthem of the 90s. Focus, Lynn, focus.
Half term holidays
I had a look at my leave entitlement recently and thinking about the upcoming half-term, I’ve booked some time off. I think I had left it a bit too long – yes, even as Lynn “part timing it” Jones – having every other Friday off. Sometimes, I think you just need to put the tools away, fold up the work gear, and do something else for a time.
So it is that the Jones Massive will be having a few days out here and there. No doubt with hounds and certainly with an eye towards hot drinks and suitable refueling.
Brainache
Gah, this one isn’t easy to write but stay with me if you can. I had a bit of an… experience this week. One that was both enlightening (that’s the good) and upsetting (the not-so-good). I need to point out that this will be another wander through the Lynn Jones Book of Oddballiness. If this is not your bag, that’s cool; exit stage left and enjoy.
Still here? 🙂
This is very much both a me thing… and – I’ve now learned – not a me thing. The latter being ‘oh, it’s an actual thing’, not just me being overly sensitive and/or crackers. Well, okay, yes, crackers, again.
Midweek I was listening to an event and folk were rattling off things everyone had done, achievements they’d made, etc; and this was all very much a good thing. Then… in comes these little whispers in my head of “you’ve not done anything” and “no-one notices if you have”.
Okay, in the cold light of blogger introspection and post-wobble, that’s clearly complete BS. There’s various things I’ve been doing and people have been kind enough to say nice things when I had. This makes me sound like some attention brat, which I’d like to think I am not, but we’ll come back to that.
So the whisper became a breeze, which became a gale, which became a maelstrom. Cue the thunder of failure and the harsh rain of self-doubt. Okay, that’s enough torturing of that metaphor. 😉
All of which sent me somewhat into a downward spiral, so I did the brave and mindful thing: run away & do something creative 😏 With the distraction of creativity, I got away from the worst of the storm and tried to focus on the usual gotos:
I’m not my emotions. These will pass, even if they feel real now.
I am safe. It’s okay. Is any of this certain?
I dunno. A 52 year old bloke talking to himself eh? Better book in to the Padded Cell Hotel when I get myself together 😉 But self-jibes aside, those two phrases (affirmations?) help. The former acknowledging what’s going on, even if it hurts (we’ll come back to later below), and knowing that feelings are natural… but also fleeting. The secondary one is all about poking the negative thoughts with doubt. I’m a natural skeptic, so this one helps dampen the proverbial fire a bit. I nearly said with ‘the cold waters of logic’, but now I think my imagination is just taking the p*ss 😁
Ouch then enlightenment
After a good night’s rest I remembered something about ADHD and some folk being, well, a bit highly tuned to their shortcomings. Ooo, I can’t think of anyone around here like that! 😏
A bit of reading later – and again, I feel I need to say I am still waiting on a diagnosis, so maybe I’m just some mad middle aged kook rolling around in the mental health sticker bin….. but think of all the amazing priviledge I’d get! Just ask Kemi from this week’s episode managerial contest to run the Empire’s new Death Star 🙃
Focus!!
I stumble on to page by Additude magazine and it’s about a condition called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. Of course, my instinctive reaction was “I can’t have that, I’ve already gone one for gender. Two would seem greedy” 🙂 There’s also this – from Psychologies.com – which added a bit more to the story.
Rejection sensitivity dysphoria refers to intense feelings related to the belief that you’ve let other people down, embarrassed yourself, failed at something, or made a serious, unfixable mistake and, as a result, people pull back their support, love, or respect. RSD causes extreme emotional pain that plagues both children and adults — even when no actual rejection has taken place.
People with RSD struggle with letting go of past hurts and/or rejections and experience heightened emotional sensitivity. They may hold onto unkind words or actions directed towards them for months or years.
As a friend once said: “Oh”. Or, if you prefer a kid’s film reference: “Lightbulb…” 💡
It felt akin to the time I sat in the counselling office decades back, and happening to pick up the illustrated book, I Had a Black Dog. No tears this time – thankfully – but certainly feelings of pieces of the puzzle dropping into place. Not an excuse for personal failings and being overly sensitive… but an understanding as to why I struggled with those situations and even with the perception of them.
I guess we’re back to that old lie we tell ourselves “But of course everyone thinks like this!” because – and perhaps thankfully – we cannot see inside the minds of others. So when my shortcomings arrive, I have to remember that everyone is unique and who knows what hard battle they’re fighting within.
That and we do not think the same, so when I struggle with things, it’s not that I’m failing and others are coping. Perhaps the more accurate view is not everyone is feeling the emotions I am.
Outcome
Given all the above, I think am I going to try and keep the Psychologies advice to hand. A re-reread to help it go in and add it to my list of Stuff to Ponder During a Brain Wobble. There’s also this from Stylist on dealing with negative thoughts.
I wonder if the overly sensitive stuff might be useful on occasion. As much as certain work situations and growing up was hard, have they left me with a stronger sense of empathy or perhaps the drive to protect?
To close, I’d like to hope that knowing your triggers can be a good thing, as you can take steps to help yourself. Plus, if I didn’t have these quirks, would I be me?
L x