Little things that help

Hi,

As I made breakfast I noticed that I seem to have caught the sun a little. I say a little. I’ve not been Goth White for a while, although tanned would certainly be pushing things. Perhaps the lunchtime doggo walks in the countryside have helped body and mind.

Anyway, as I happened drop a teaspoon, I caught sight of my toes. They don’t usually see much sunlight, them being less that very pale was unusual. My next thought that popped into my head was a bright pink varnish would look ace.

The thing with being a bit in the middle over gender, is this feels completely okay to me. Despite the fact that I’m very much in bloke mode, such thoughts don’t stop. Luckily, I’m in a good place so I don’t feel that I’m missing out. I can think that such a thing would be nice, but I’m not distressed by not being able to act on it.

This brings me to the point I’m waffling towards. 😉 When you’re a part timer like me, these little things about appearance help keep you feeling okay. It may seem difficult to understand as a cis-gender (or non trans person) looking in, possibly even a little shallow if one was to be blunt. But, a small step towards making the outside match the inside? So very awesome. It might be and earring, cute pedicure, or the right cut of trousers. It doesn’t matter so long as they make you feel more you.

L x

4 Comments

  1. I had a weird moment last week. I normally don’t suffer dysphoria, and rarely dwell on the specifics of my appearance or gender from day-to-day. But last week I met up with my gaming group via a 5-way video chat and really got hit hard.

    It might have just been a bad day, or that I was on a phone and they were on webcams, or even that they all had better lighting, but just for that moment it was really a struggle.

    The next day I styled my hair a little differently, and felt a lot better about myself, but that earlier feeling won;t easily be forgotten

  2. You are so right Lynn, these little things, be it painting your toe nails, wearing a pair of knickers, the cut off your hair, or perhaps wearing a (man) neckless, on their own to cis-gender folk mean very little, but to us it can mean a huge amount. I think a lot of cis-gender have no idea how important it is to us to be able to live in our own identity. Most people can live their lives exactly as they want, all the time, but many of us can’t and whilst many of us manage most of the time to be ok about that, there are times when it becomes very hard. Sometimes these little things help keep us on track…………….

    1. “Most people can live their lives exactly as they want, all the time, but many of us can’t… there are times when it becomes very hard.”

      Apologies for the clumsy cutting. I felt that that part of your comment really put it all in context. 👍

      I think it’s those moments – as Pandora alludes to as well – that when you’re stuck in one mode, that’s when it stings. Sure, non-trans people also get discomfort or off days. I’m not saying such moments of ours are worse: just different. Maybe like the emotional load of everyday sexism, such disappointments in life can be very wearing if they build up and start to swamp you.

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