Fight your fears


Last weekend of the Easter Holidays, so it’s back into the routine of School Runs and later starts. Not that I mind. Having kids keeps you entertained – you may like to perform a Joe Pesci in Goodfellas impression in your head, if it’ll help. 🙂 Oh, but it’s rewarding too, but if you’re a parent, you probably get this and if you’re not a parent, you may not give a sh**. Moving on…. 🙂

The Ever Lovely Mrs J was away this weekend on business, so Yours Truly was holding down the fort for a few days. We had some walks, trips to the park and a few lazy afternoons. All good fun. Then it was off to leave the kids with my folks for a few nights. In days of old, not doubt I’d have raced back and flung open the cupboard doors. An evening to some trans version of Narnia, only without the Christian allegory, snow and a giant talking lion. So, umm, not at all like Narnia then! That bitch Tumnas still hasn’t returned my cashmere wrap, the Judas. Fawns eh? Can’t trust ’em.

So, no, the evening was passed watching Netflix and reading. I did paint my nails and toes mind. Not having to worry about taking my time was rather good and as I was working from home in the morning, no rush to clean up afterwards.

The morning went quickly with much typing and I think I got my report all sorted out. As lunchtime grew closer, so my nerves grew more than a little frayed. My make-up was done, I was happy with that and I think my outside was daytime enough. My stomach was doing flips, which is crazy, because technically, this is no different to going out to Chameleons. Either, getting ready upstairs, or those rare occasions, when I get ready at home and go their already… umm… ready. 🙂

I took a few deep breaths, touched up my lippy and had a last minute change of shoes. My black ballet pumps, while they look more petite, they are a little on the wrong side of snug. The coast was clear, so I swallowed my fear and headed out to Leicester. Once there, all was fine. The panic was left behind and I just got on with my day. Do I pass? I don’t think so and it doesn’t bother me any more. For me, passing is a stick with which we beat ourselves. Provided no-one bothers me, which people don’t, I’m fine with that. If anyone looks – which is rare, I just smile, just as I would if in bloke mode. Some smile back, some look away. No different really.

The weather couldn’t have been better, with warm sun and a gentle breeze. I tried on a few things, even though I wasn’t buying. I did get some new jeans (thank you New Look) with a voucher I’d saved from some trans* research, I’d done last year. No luck on shoes, as the wedges I’d had my eye on had gone. I guess you need to strike early, if you want a pretty size 8. Ah well.

I did manage to get a new bra though and the staff in M&S were absolutely brilliant. At least I know my size now, even if the heat of the changing room made my boob tape fail. Ah well, lessons learned. All in all, a good day out and once I got home, I was happy to put all my pretty clothes away, and go back into Bloke Mode. After a day in dainty shoes, I can understand why the Ever Lovely Mrs J is keen to put her slippers on, or go barefoot. 🙂

I did leave my nail varnish on until late. There was something rather nice about having pretty fingertips all day. Trans people eh? 😉

Take care,


  1. Great to hear you had a fab time in Leicester. For me, I think the highlight would have been being able to leave the nail varnish on for longer than usual. I am working towards a time where I can leave mine on for as long as I wish but it's a long and difficult road.

    1. I'm with you on the nail varnish front. It might not seem like a big thing, but working away at home, I at least, I often end up looking down at the keyboard, or writing something. You get that little flash of colour and it reminds you that you're not 100% bloke.

      I hope the journey along that road is kind to you.

    2. If it helps or not, I'll say this: jealousy doesn't help. It is, I think, very hard to fight it when GD, the pink fog, whatever we call it, rises up. It, jealousy, just drives home what we think we want, but offers nothing to help us get there. Avoiding it will be hard, but letting it in, is worse. L x

  2. Oh my.

    A photo of the ever lovely Lynn not in a stairwell. Oooohhhh I am liking it a lot.

    You only live once and I am delighted that you had a good day out. Very pleased…..

    As for the shoes, no pain no gain and they do get easier 🙂

    1. In the words o' the great man, "Och, ya cheeky wee sh*te". 🙂 That being Rab Nesbit. The stairs were busy, so I had to improvise. 🙂

      Yes, you do only live once, so I guess sometimes, you have to push the boat a little and do what you need to do. It's far enough away, so it's quite anonymous.

  3. Hi Lynn,
    lovely to see you getting out for the day.
    You can drop the idea that you think you don't pass. You do.
    With the nail varnish fully decor with you and Claire on that.
    I had the rare chance to paint my nails over a long weekend from Friday evening (it's a wonder I didn't get a speeding ticket trying to get home quick enough) and the whole Sat to Sunday. Of course I didn't dare leave the house! I woke up on the Saturday morning and half a wake started to panic as I though I saw my fingers covered in blood until I realised it was the varnish! I then relaxed and enjoyed looking at my colourful fingers waggling about, a rare experience.
    Of course, like you, I left the varnish on until the last minute. It was 2 o/c Monday morning when I banned the colour to the waste bin (sigh).
    I agree when typing at the keyboard (and also when I play the piano), looking down and getting a kick out of letting the girl shine through.

    1. Hi Abigale. Thanks for the compliment. I don't feel I pass and the photos are of a distance, that distance adds to the illusion. In the real world, it's far more obvious. But, it doesn't bother me. At least, not any more. It was an ideal I would never reach, and to that end, why should I beat myself up wishing for it?

      Most of the time I'm in bloke mode and if I really, really wanted to pass, then I'd have to give up my family and embark on a serious surgical intervention. Hell, the former isn't going to happen, and the latter, well, even with millions, there's only so much you could do. So, I feel it's better to be happy with what you have, than chase an ideal, that you'll never reach.

      Instead, I'll just do my best to be well turned out and I don't dress for anyone else, but me. If I feel okay, or even happy, with my appearance, then that's all that matters.

      Moving on…. 🙂

      Your comment about the nail varnish and the panic, I'm afraid it made me laugh. Yes, it's easy to forget sometimes, when it's not a regular occurrence. Do you play the piano as a hobby, or professionally, BTW?

    2. Sorry about the delay, had an external Audit at work that kept me busy for the last weeks, I think you can appreciate that. About the music its a hobby, have a music studio where I dabble with synths and keyboards.I have a board with pins if your interested. .

    3. No worries. No-one's against the clock here. 🙂 I think I've got your Pinterest board address somewhere. Have you uploaded any of your music at all?

  4. Glad you had a good time – it's obviously been a while since I went back though as I have no idea where this picture was taken!

    As to the shoes… Well, after doing way too much walking in 8cm heels today I can say that kicking them off when you get home is wonderful! 🙂


    1. I imagine the city has changed a little since you left. It was in Highcross. I forget the old name of the centre! I blame my age.

      Yes, shoes are fabulous and heels, perhaps doubly so. Not so good for being in all day, mind. Still, it's the little things eh? 🙂

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