Script: Make the skies grey again

Dear Fictional Newspaper,

I feel it’s time to be truly honest about the causes of my transgender nature. For years I’ve been reading scholarly articles, following researchers including psychologists, geneticists, and other health professionals, hoping that they may find an explanation as to why some of us are straight, gay, cisgender, or transgender in nature.

Having both an interest in the above and living as a trans person, well, this does not make me an expert. Perhaps, at best, maybe well read on the science. Certainly the strongest contenders seem to be either a genetic propensity towards sexuality and/or gender; or how hormones affect – or not – as we develop in the womb. For readers of the Newspaper That Shall Not Be Named, the womb is the part of a person’s body that that a right wing politician should have full control over. Also note, that any baby in said womb, has a right to life, until it’s no longer in there. Once born, children may go unfed, untreated, uneducated, or be shot at.

So we come full circle, talking of LGBTQ+ identity and children. I can only apologise, not only for my own ignorance, but that of researchers following the enlightening revelation from the Middle East. Yes, it seems my parents, bless them, or perhaps a wonderful primary school teacher, or maybe my own misfortune meant I was exposed to a rainbow.

While Doctor Banner gained superpowers in being able to become The Hulk, by being exposed to gamma green light, it seems the Rainbow Randomisation can turn a child gay and/or trans. We can only pray that no one weaponises the split spectrum, perhaps firing from a high orbit space laser, able to target whole nations!

I know, I should have seen the signs in the 80s. You couldn’t open a book at school without seeing a rainbow. So much for Section 28 protecting us kids. It was clearly not strong enough to hold back the corrupting power of the split light spectrum.

Apology now given, I thank my lucky stars that on holiday as a kid, as my Dad drove through a ford in a river, that the resulting spray and beautiful – yet deadly – rainbow arc, somehow only I was affected by its prismatic curse. My parents and siblings remain both straight and cis.

To conclude, I’d be grateful if you’d publish my apology and heartfelt letter.

With kindest regards…

PS: Any news on the research that greyscale dark glasses can prevent transification?


  1. ‘ Fictional Newspaper’ that would be the Daily Wail or on a very bad day the Daily excessive ?

  2. Two thoughts.
    1) Isaac Newton
    2) Dark Side of the Moon.
    Physicists who were rock fans in the 70s are doubly doomed. Triply so if they watched Rainbow on kid’s TV.

  3. I wonder if there are any datasets that exist that could allow for a serious scientific investigation into increases in the transgender population following the introduction of ‘Skittles’ in 1974 🙂

    1. I’m sure we could survey a group of people to drum up some evidence. Sorry, I meant to say following a rigorous scientific investigation of informed individuals. We absolutely wouldn’t discard any evidence that didn’t fit, but for entries that where clearly edge cases, we would remove for simplicity. Rainbow Onset Geographic Dysphoria.

      On another note, apparently the rainbow flag was first shown in 1978 by Gilbert Baker, an activist and drag queen, on behest of Harvey Milk.

      1. They make my tongue hurt if I eat them – due to the malic acid apparently.

        1978 ! – I didn’t realise it hadn’t been around before then.

        1. Can’t say I’ve had the pleasure (re Skittles), so I’ll take your word for it 🙂 Now, heatwave Doritos, yum. 🐖

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