Twist

Hi,

Ah, Friday night at last. Hello old friend. I see your best mates Saturday and Sunday will be joining us later…

This next bit may seem a bit odd, but then if you’re not expecting that at YATGB by now, I wager you may have missed a few posts ๐Ÿ™‚

Now, there are a few rare times when I have a physical reaction around who I am. Or, more accurately, a response to the… issue of not being able to be who I need to be at certain times. I’m lucky in that such feelings are short felt and as a part timer, I’m mostly okay in Richard mode. As I’ve said before, it’s all fine until it isn’t. So, there are times when I’m acutely aware of my ‘unlynnness’… and there are times when that bothers me. Like, this afternoon.

I feel such bumps in the road as either a drop in my stomach, a poke in the heart, or similar. Is it a feeling of loss or even pain? Well, I wouldn’t say it was agony, but it’s not exactly something I look forward to either ๐Ÿ™‚ But at whatever level of is, and I’ve swapped out the words hurt as, well, they’re not quite right. Too strong perhaps? Or if I’m honest, I don’t actually want to write them because A) they feel a little dramatic*, and B) do I want to admit to these feelings?

Yet, as with the wee star in the above paragraph, would I make such judgment on the words of a friend? In honesty, no, I don’t think I would. So if I apply the idea of being kind to oneself, perhaps such feelings – like experiences – are valid. To run the self care programme a little more, maybe it’s wise to acknowledge feelings as that, momentary and fleeting. That I can choose to react or not.

Looking out

There’s also a sort of tangled feeling. Like the one where the t-shirt isn’t quite on straight under your shirt, only in this case, the tangledness is within. Like I want to shake loose or work out a knot in a muscle that’s not there.

Does this ring a bell with anyone or I am just crackers? Actually, it can be both ๐Ÿ˜‹

In other news, it’s nearly the Chams Christmas Do… or, at least I hope it will be and the COVID goblin won’t put pay to it. Who would’ve thought leaving a large swathe of the world’s population would’ve given the virus plenty of hosts to infect and mutate in? Oh, yes. Scientists… but when do those in charge listen to them? I’ll give you a clue: when it suits.

Fingers crossed things will come together. By lucky happenstance, I remembered I had some barely there shoes that would go with an old dress. I have bought new toeless tights and I’ve got a dress on order. As much as I had hoped not to buy anything new, sometimes, I guess a gal – even a part time one – needs a little help to boost them up. ๐Ÿ™‚

L x

15 Comments

      1. This morning’s forecast, “Susie, Rockall. Outlook poor. Drifting into mild depression. Cold. Brighter later.”

        It does ring a bell Lynn, and you are crackers. But we knew that. And I do love ‘unlynnness’. How many other words have three consecutive n’s? But also the idea that there is a place of lynnness within richardness you can go to in times of need. (Although maybe it’s no so much within as the two are are wrapped around each other like a Yin/Yang symbol. That’s intriguing. I shall have to think about that more.)
        Or maybe not just in times of need but because you enjoy it. We can go on about dysphoria and pressure and the rest (which can be very real), but there is also a pleasure in the sort of treating and pampering you can allow yourself in femme mode, from nails and hair to clothes that would be looked on with suspicion or raised eyebrows in male mode.

        1. Thanks for the shipping forecast, Susie. I hope the brightness helps to dispel the depression.

          I think… I think the heart of it, at least for me (as someone who’s crackers ๐Ÿ™‚) is the Richard/Lynn situation is the outer coating. I am always me and I don’t consider each name to be a different person. I may swear less as Lynn (so I’ve been told) and I know to not talk about certain trans topics at work. The latter may well be the mask I made to get by as a child. Remember kids, you can only be team blue or team pink. There’s no purple and crossing over – fully or part of the time – confuses and upsets those who think the world is only X or Y.

          Gah. I’ve drifted as per.

          The outer coating, or perhaps more accurately, the presentation – or expression, even? – seems key. Decades ago I would put it down to ‘just dressing up’, but it’s so much deeper than that. When it starts to go south, it’s like wearing a heavy coat in summer. One that I can’t take off and knowing are in better clothes in the cupboard. I feel the weight of that garment, how its thickness restricts my arms, and the discomfort of being ‘wrong’. Actually, perhaps a better metaphor would be behind stood in the cold rain, your thin t-shirt soaked and stuck to you. You notice others go by, wrapped up against the weather and you feel… why? Why am I so cold? I was okay yesterday and now, I’m wet and miserable.

          But to focus on what one does not have, what good does that do? ๐Ÿ™‚

          Perhaps then, it’s best to try and find joy in the little things. Not put off trimming back my beard, enjoy the moment of applying body lotion and that my skin feels better afterwards.

          “Lynn, Forth. Outlook improving. Sleet drifting into light rain. Possibility of sunny spells later.”

  1. I can relate. I don’t think that these feelings are what makes you crackers (if, indeed, you are crackers).

    Expressing one’s feelings in presentation is key, I think, the pressure of wearing a mask or going incognito is something that is nice when lifted. Speaking as someone with ASD who has only relatively recently understood the concept of ‘masking’ – not having to ‘mask’ is such release, even if one is happy to ‘mask’ most of the time or even if the ‘mask’ is how one feels most of the time one spends ‘masked’. Even if the ‘mask’ is one that you made deliberately and with care (as I did at work) so that you feel comfortable with how much ‘you’ is presented and how much is deliberately hidden.

    tl;dr – You speak much truth and invoke sympathy as response: gain +10XP, +1CHA and make a fortitude check (with, hopefully, some nice contextual bonuses).

    1. Yes, to be yourself, no mask or pretence, that is freeing. A T friend once said to me that her favourite way to socialise, was with other part timers all in bloke mode. Rebecca’s reasoning was that with other T folk, people could be themselves without having to pretend either way. An interesting view, IMO, but we’re all different.

      PS: I think the long walk this morning helped. That a wonderful hot shower, getting rid of the beard scruff, and opting for a very cosy set of opaques rather than the usual thermals. Little things, but still good things.

      PPS: What game system are you using? D20, Interlock, or old school Basic Rules System? ๐Ÿ˜

      1. Agreed, when one doesn’t feel one has to pretend and can just… be. Yes.

        Sounds like you took a level in self-care there. Good skill to max out.

        I was thinking something on the Basic Rules System, I think? 5th ed if memory serves. ๐Ÿ˜‰

        1. Oh, there’s always something new to learn, IMO. That and you can forget to apply what you know.

          It’s been a long time since I read up on any of the RuneQuest stuff. Griffin Island was ace though for improv themed gaming. Our eldest of currently playing Call of Cthultu. My work here, is done ๐Ÿ˜‰

      2. Most of the times (in fact all bar one) I’ve attended my local t-group meetings were in bloke mode and it is a place where I can ‘drop the mask’ as most of them know me in person as my male half and online as Susie. Where I notice the mask comes back on is when socialising in an all-male group, either family or friends) where I still feel like I’m pretending to be a normal bloke and guarding what I can safely say in that type of company.

        1. “…where I still feel like Iโ€™m pretending to be a normal bloke…”

          Oh, 100% yes.

          Whatever normal is ๐Ÿ™‚ But second guessing yourself, not talking about certain topics, and the catch around “well, what would you know about that?” on certain topics. ‘Cos, you know, the appearance of a straight, white, cis middle class bloke.

          Books, covers, etc.

  2. Dysphoria sucks. It’s like the ebb and flow of the tide but less regular so you never quite know when it might wash over you.

    Hope your party goes ahead and is fun. I’m not sure what “barely-there shoes” are. I’m guessing they’re not flip-flops!

    Have a good week.

    Sue x

    1. I am ever hopeful for a cooling sea spray during a paddle, rather than the rage of a winter storm at sea. ๐Ÿ™‚ That may not be how life is though. ๐Ÿ˜

      Oh, so the shoes from the summer before last are, I guess, early 80s. A band across the toes and then an ankle strap. I guess with only so many options are design, certain looks are bound to return. Perhaps the knack is spotting the ones you like and that may be classics.

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